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Business email. Need suggestions.

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devine

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Guys, I feel like my emails to potential clients suck hard, need to improve critically, but guesswork is something I can't have.
Updated version in the second post.

"Good evening, N

Here's short analysis of your website:
Each month, if your website ranked #1 - you have 18231 visitors, which is 34% of total amount.
With average check of 1000 rubles, if just 1% of visitors will come to your place, you'll potentially make 182.000 more rubles/month.
Right now your website gets only ~1.5% (~804 visitors/month) and makes you nothing. At best.

Search engine statistics for your keywords: 53622 q/month.
1. Парикмахерская [10698 запросов] - 21 rank.
2. Маникюр [10510] - 15 rank.
3. Салон красоты [10509] - 17 rank.
4. Татуаж [5806] - 11 rank.
5. Косметология [5289] - 5 rank.
6. Наращивание ногтей [4672] - 24 rank.
7. Окрашивание волос [4027] - 10 rank.
8. Прическа, укладка волос [3111] - 17 rank.
It's just google, yandex ranks are at least twice worse.

Our offer:
We provide you with good looking and handy website, make it to the top of search engines, help raise prices for at least 30% without loosing existing clients, also bringing you new ones.
We can also connect e-commerce, so you could provide not just services, but also sell goods.
You can read more about our services here: (our website)

What do you think?
Yevgeny."

I noticed a lot of things I want to change, after I translated this into english, so now I'll re-write things. Any help is highly appreciated.
 
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Sixsovvip:

"Jimmu, P

Jisi't tjusv epemztot ug zuas iyotvoph xictovi: *mopl vu gomi xovj tvevotvodt*
Nupvjmz, zuas xictovi duamf neli zua effovoupemmz 182l sacmit og ov't seplif #1, epf vji noponan ug 1% ug wotovust xomm edvaemmz hu vu zuas qmedi epf ati zuas tiswodit. Miv't tez 1000sas qis dmoipv.
Sohjv pux zuas xictovi hivt zua puvjoph, cideati ov ot seplif vuu mux op tiesdj iphopit.

Xjev xi uggis:
Xi qsuwofi zua xovj vuq-puvdj epf ietz vu ati xictovi, hiv ov vuq-seplif, jimq seoti qsodit gus ev mietv 30% xovjuav muutoph iyotvoph dmoipvt, epf csoph zua pix upit.
Og zua xepv, xi dep emtu duppidv i-dunnisdi, tu zua xomm emtu timm huuft.

Og zua esi opvisitvif op neloph nusi xovj at - miv ni lpux.

Ziwhipz,
Migvode"
 
Vji ottai otpv vji ineom duqz, ovt zuas uggis. Ovt 2015 nep, iwiszcufz xovj ev mietv tuni cseop fimivit vjuti ineomt optvepvmz cideati vjiz lpux ovt CT.

Og zua esi tadj ep iyqisv op hivvoph xictovit vu sepl #1, xjz fupv zua sepl #1 gus xictovi fitohp, tiu, ivd epf miv dmoipvt gopf zua?

Zua xomm upmz hiv djieq tadlist xovj vjot nivjuf.
 
Vji ottai otpv vji ineom duqz, ovt zuas uggis. Ovt 2015 nep, iwiszcufz xovj ev mietv tuni cseop fimivit vjuti ineomt optvepvmz cideati vjiz lpux ovt CT.

Og zua esi tadj ep iyqisv op hivvoph xictovit vu sepl #1, xjz fupv zua sepl #1 gus xictovi fitohp, tiu, ivd epf miv dmoipvt gopf zua?

Zua xomm upmz hiv djieq tadlist xovj vjot nivjuf.
Xi emsiefz jef e dupwistevoup epf ji xeovt gus nz uggis, tu ov't pu vji deti.
Gushuv vu nipvoup vjev, cideati ov't 2015 epf O vjuahjv ov huit xovjuav tezoph;)
 
Tussz cav apmitt zua jewi fosidv edditt vu vjios tvevt, zuas pancist esi dseq. Neloph ettanqvoupt cetif up Tiesdj iphopi 'lizxusft' epf seplopht hivt zua puxjisi pies vji vsavj. Epf vjev fuitp'v iwip cihop vu jimq zua itvonevi vjios temit dmuti sevou.

O'wi uxpif epf uqisevif japfsift ug funeopt epf xictovit topdi 1997. O tez vji ecuwi cideati O'wi ciip vjisi. Uwis epf uwis. Xovjuav fosidv edditt vu e xictovi't edvaem epemzvodt zua'f ci tasqsotif ev jux dmaimitt tuni ug vjiti 'vseggod vuumt' esi.

[Edit: Sorry, missed a few posts about you having their stats]
 
Vjip demm epf dmuti jon.
Ji xepvt pancist.

@IQisdiqvoupt O vimm jon vjiti pancist, cideati xjip O'mm tvesv xusloph xovj jon, O dep fimowis ev mietv vjev.
O lpux iyedvmz xjev vjiz fiem xovj epf xjev vu fu xovj vjot catopitt.

aqfevi:
Tipv jon e nusi cumf ifovoup ug vji aqqis qutv, xomm qutv og ov xuslt.
 
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Zua xomm upmz hiv djieq tadlist xovj vjot nivjuf.

Xjev vzqit ug gotj zua devdj fiqipf up vji qupf op xjodj zua detv zuas mopi.

Qisjeqt vjisi esi nepz djieq tadlist op Sattoe?
 
Jisi zua hu:

Jo Podl,

Katv gopotjif epemzboph zuas tovi, epf ov tiint moli zua'si nottoph uav up 182.000 sacmit e nupvj. Jisi't e mopl vu zuas siqusv tu vjev zua dep tii gus zuastimg: jvvq://xxx.zitxesi.dun/cmuh/jimq/jux-vu/atoph-qsitipvevoup-vsedloph-gievasi.

Xovj vjev teof, O'wi cmudlif ugg voni vunussux ev 2qn, us Vjastfez ev 11en gus e 15 nopavi demm up jux vu onqsuwi zuas tovi optvepvmz. Fu epz ug vjuti vonit xusl gus zua?

Citv,
Fiwopi

Vjip vsedl vjev ineom xovj Zitxesi. Tii xjev vji dmoipv't muuloph ev. Neli zuastimg duni ugg et ep edvaem qsugittoupem. Vjip cetif up xjev vji dmoipv muult ev, qsiqesi gus vji 15 nopavi demm.

Epf og ji fuitp'v jov zua cedl, vjip e) gummux aq xovj epuvjis ineom; epf c) howi jon e demm.
 
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Become a member of the Fastlane Forum, the private community founded by best-selling author and multi-millionaire entrepreneur MJ DeMarco. Since 2007, MJ DeMarco has poured his heart and soul into the Fastlane Forum, helping entrepreneurs reclaim their time, win their financial freedom, and live their best life.

With more than 39,000 posts packed with insights, strategies, and advice, you’re not just a member—you’re stepping into MJ’s inner-circle, a place where you’ll never be left alone.

Become a member and gain immediate access to...

  • Active Community: Ever join a community only to find it DEAD? Not at Fastlane! As you can see from our home page, life-changing content is posted dozens of times daily.
  • Exclusive Insights: Direct access to MJ DeMarco’s daily contributions and wisdom.
  • Powerful Networking Opportunities: Connect with a diverse group of successful entrepreneurs who can offer mentorship, collaboration, and opportunities.
  • Proven Strategies: Learn from the best in the business, with actionable advice and strategies that can accelerate your success.

"You are the average of the five people you surround yourself with the most..."

Who are you surrounding yourself with? Surround yourself with millionaire success. Join Fastlane today!

Join Today

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