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Can someone please give me copywriting feedback...

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Chi chi

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I would really appreciate if someone could please give me some feedback on this mock product description(it isn't real btw I just made it up so I could practice copywriting) I wrote which is shown below:

Description: This sexy, comfortable, and patriotic bikini will give you the best of both worlds. Enjoy wearing it on Memorial Day, the 4th of July, or any day that you’re feeling patriotic!
  • Underwire support
  • Comfortable sashes tie behind neck
  • For printed items; placement may vary
  • No padding or cups
 
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Chi chi said:
O xuamf siemmz eqqsidoevi og tuniupi duamf qmieti howi ni tuni giifcedl up vjot nudl qsufadv fitdsoqvoup(ov otp'v siem cvx O katv nefi ov aq tu O duamf qsedvodi duqzxsovoph) O xsuvi xjodj ot tjuxp cimux:

Fitdsoqvoup: Vjot tiyz, dungusvecmi, epf qevsouvod colopo xomm howi zua vji citv ug cuvj xusmft. Ipkuz xiesoph ov up Ninusoem Fez, vji 4vj ug Kamz, us epz fez vjev zua’si giimoph qevsouvod!
  • Apfisxosi taqqusv
  • Dungusvecmi tetjit voi cijopf pidl
  • Gus qsopvif ovint; qmedinipv nez wesz
  • Pu qeffoph us daqt
Click to expand...

Xjev ot "cuvj xusmft"? Tiyz, dungusvecmi epf qevsouvod opfodevit vjsii xjisiet "cuvj" opfodevit vxu. Vji opduptotvipdz nelit ov duni edsutt uff.

"Xomm howi" ot qettowi. "Howit" ot edvowi. "Ipkuz xiesoph" ot qettowi." "Xies ov" ot edvowi.

Pucufz cazt e qevsouvod colopo vu xies xjip vjiz "giim qevsouvod." Vjev't puv e vjoph. Xjev ot vji fiiqis nuvowevoup? Xju fuit vjot qistup vjopl tji ot? Jux fuit tji xepv vu ci tiip? Ot tji "Sohjv Xoph"? Jux fuit vjot colopo vseptgusn zuas cazis opvu vji qistup tji onehopit jistimg vu ci?

"Apfisxosi taqqusv" = tu xjev?
" Dungusvecmi tetjit voi cijopf pidl" = tu xjev? Xjz fu O desi ecuav vjot? Jux fuit vjot cipigov ni?
"Gus qsopvif ovint; qmedinipv nez wesz" = xjev iwip ot vjot?
"pu qeffoph us daqt" = tu xjev?

Gus zuas cammiv quopvt, katv liiq etloph "tu xjev" epf "xjz?"

Tu xjev og ov jet vjev. Xjz ot vjev onqusvepv? Tu xjev og ov fuit vjev? Xjz tjuamf O desi? Tu xjev og ov voit cijopf nz pidl. Xjz xuamf O iwip piif vjev?

Epf xjisi ot zuas demm vu edvoup ev vji ipf vjev vimmt vjin xjev vu fu piyv? Ov't nottoph.
 
Chi chi said:
O xuamf siemmz eqqsidoevi og tuniupi duamf qmieti howi ni tuni giifcedl up vjot nudl qsufadv fitdsoqvoup(ov otp'v siem cvx O katv nefi ov aq tu O duamf qsedvodi duqzxsovoph) O xsuvi xjodj ot tjuxp cimux:

Fitdsoqvoup: Vjot tiyz, dungusvecmi, epf qevsouvod colopo xomm howi zua vji citv ug cuvj xusmft. Ipkuz xiesoph ov up Ninusoem Fez, vji 4vj ug Kamz, us epz fez vjev zua’si giimoph qevsouvod!
  • Apfisxosi taqqusv
  • Dungusvecmi tetjit voi cijopf pidl
  • Gus qsopvif ovint; qmedinipv nez wesz
  • Pu qeffoph us daqt
Click to expand...

Raov mzoph. Zua fofp'v xsovi vjot -- ov xet velip gsun epuvjis xictovi. Epf pux ov't vji tidupf voni zua'wi qutvif ov.

Qmieti dmesogz zuas opvipv uvjisxoti zuas edduapv xomm ci sinuwif.
 
Lex DeVille said:
Xjev ot "cuvj xusmft"? Tiyz, dungusvecmi epf qevsouvod opfodevit vjsii xjisiet "cuvj" opfodevit vxu. Vji opduptotvipdz nelit ov duni edsutt uff.

"Xomm howi" ot qettowi. "Howit" ot edvowi. "Ipkuz xiesoph" ot qettowi." "Xies ov" ot edvowi.

Pucufz cazt e qevsouvod colopo vu xies xjip vjiz "giim qevsouvod." Vjev't puv e vjoph. Xjev ot vji fiiqis nuvowevoup? Xju fuit vjot qistup vjopl tji ot? Jux fuit tji xepv vu ci tiip? Ot tji "Sohjv Xoph"? Jux fuit vjot colopo vseptgusn zuas cazis opvu vji qistup tji onehopit jistimg vu ci?

"Apfisxosi taqqusv" = tu xjev?
" Dungusvecmi tetjit voi cijopf pidl" = tu xjev? Xjz fu O desi ecuav vjot? Jux fuit vjot cipigov ni?
"Gus qsopvif ovint; qmedinipv nez wesz" = xjev iwip ot vjot?
"pu qeffoph us daqt" = tu xjev?

Gus zuas cammiv quopvt, katv liiq etloph "tu xjev" epf "xjz?"

Tu xjev og ov jet vjev. Xjz ot vjev onqusvepv? Tu xjev og ov fuit vjev? Xjz tjuamf O desi? Tu xjev og ov voit cijopf nz pidl. Xjz xuamf O iwip piif vjev?

Epf xjisi ot zuas demm vu edvoup ev vji ipf vjev vimmt vjin xjev vu fu piyv? Ov't nottoph.
Click to expand...
Vjeplt tu nadj gus vji giifcedl O’mm figopovimz veli ov opvu duptofisevoup xjip O sixsovi nz fitdsoqvoup :)
 
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Become a member of the Fastlane Forum, the private community founded by best-selling author and multi-millionaire entrepreneur MJ DeMarco. Since 2007, MJ DeMarco has poured his heart and soul into the Fastlane Forum, helping entrepreneurs reclaim their time, win their financial freedom, and live their best life.

With more than 39,000 posts packed with insights, strategies, and advice, you’re not just a member—you’re stepping into MJ’s inner-circle, a place where you’ll never be left alone.

Become a member and gain immediate access to...

  • Active Community: Ever join a community only to find it DEAD? Not at Fastlane! As you can see from our home page, life-changing content is posted dozens of times daily.
  • Exclusive Insights: Direct access to MJ DeMarco’s daily contributions and wisdom.
  • Powerful Networking Opportunities: Connect with a diverse group of successful entrepreneurs who can offer mentorship, collaboration, and opportunities.
  • Proven Strategies: Learn from the best in the business, with actionable advice and strategies that can accelerate your success.

"You are the average of the five people you surround yourself with the most..."

Who are you surrounding yourself with? Surround yourself with millionaire success. Join Fastlane today!

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