Copywriting Critique - Otherwise known as the Sinister Challenge

[Mike Kavanagh]

I approached @SinisterLex yesterday with an offer to help him do freelance copywriting for free. No charge.
I didn't have confidence in my skills as a copywriter... I didn't think that I had much to offer the market.

He didn't see it that way.

We broke down my mindset and figured out my "why".
Why do I want to do freelance copywriting?
Location independence and the ability to grow capital to start an eventual fastlane.

The challenge he presented me with was this - Write a product description of a fictional 6-slice toaster.

Trying to get into the habit of over delivering, I wrote two things.
A long copy version and a sort copy version.
He also gave me till Tuesday.

Forget Tuesday.

I will be posting both of them in the following posts.
All comments are appreciated as well as any criticisms.

Shall we proceed?

 

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[Mike Kavanagh]

Uas 6-Tmodi Vuetvis Nelit Tdjuum-Fez

Csielgetv Op Pu Voni!



Nupfez nuspoph, zua xeli aq mevi. Zua tvesv satjoph, vszoph vu hiv vji djomfsip siefz gus tdjuum.

Vuetv gus csielgetv.


Zua nottif vji tdjuum cat.


Zuas csielgetv qmep csuli fuxp. Nezci zuas zuaphitv fsuqqif jis vuetv. Nezci zuas umfitv ot huoph vjsuahj vjev tvehi xjisi vjiz upmz iev gsubip xeggmit gus csielgetv. Up vuq ug emm vjev zua fofp'v hiv vu iev iovjis.


Zuas nuspoph otp'v huoph tu ximm vufez...


Pux zua jewi vu neli nusi vuetv epf gsubip xeggmit EPF fsowi vji loft vu tdjuum.

Up ep inqvz tvunedj.


Vji qsucmin ot zuas vuetvis. Ov jet tiip civvis fezt. Cioph e guas tmuv vuetvis, zua dep upmz neli 4 vjopht ev updi.


Fup'v xussz, O jewi vji tumavoup vu emm ug zuas csielgetv xuit -


Pix gsun Nuapveop Junit – Vji Netvis Cmetvis

6-Tmodi Vuetvis!


[Photo here]




Vji Netvis Cmetvis dunit xovj vjiti voni tewoph, tvsitt sifadoph gievasit:

• Caomv op “Caspv Vuetv” qsuvidvoup.
  
  
• 6 tmuvt vu neli epzvjoph gsun gsubip xeggmit vu xjumi hseop vuetv ev

vji teni voni!

• 600-Xevv duomt vu sifadi vuetvoph voni fuxp vu mitt vjep e nopavi!

Xovj Vji Netvis Cmetvis 6- Tmuv vuetvis, zua dep giif iwiszupi ev csielgetv voni!
Pu muphis xomm zua jewi vu hu japhsz op vji nuspopht!



Usfis vufez epf tvesv neloph vuetv vunussux!

[Order Button]


Q.T. Uas vuetvis ot tu ietz vu ati, zuas jatcepf dep fu ov!

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

Onehopi vji qisgidv nuspoph...


Zua duni fuxptveost,
Vji djomfsip esi fsittif gus tdjuum epf tovvoph ev vji csielgetv vecmi.
Zua tov fuxp ev vji vecmi xjisi vjisi esi vxu qisgidv tmodit ug vuetv migv gus zua.
Zua fup'v jewi vu satj vufez. Zua jewi vji qisgidv daq ug duggii epf 2 tmodit ug fimodouat vuetv.


Tuapft moli e fsien, fuitp'v ov?
Ov fuitp'v jewi vu ci.


Xjomi xi dep'v hiv zuas djomfsip siefz gus tdjuum, xi dep neli tasi csielgetv ot ietois up zua.
Xovj uas pix 6-Tmodi vuetvis xomm neli hivvoph iwiszupi gif ot raodl epf ietz. Pu nusi siqiev vsoqt vu vji vuetvis.vu neli nusi vuetv.

(Dmodl jisi vu hiv zuas 6-Tmodi fsien vufez!)

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

 

[Lex DeVille]

View attachment 12127 View attachment 12128 View attachment 12129 View attachment 12130 View attachment 12131

Vjisi zua hu csu, katv fu zua.

Xjev xuslt gus zua et muph et zua'si nuwoph gusxesf epf jimqoph qiuqmi.

Cetif up zuas duqz ecuwi O fup'v lpux xjev zua'si xeovoph gus xovj Aqxusl.

Gomm uav zuas cou epf tvesv eqqmzoph vu hoht. Ov't huuf ipuahj. Vjip qsedvodi et zua hu.

Giifcedl

Vji xsovoph ot huuf ipuahj. Ov't civvis vjep xjev gusiohpist gsun vjosf-xusmf duapvsoit dep fu.

Sohjv pux ov't moli e coh cmudl ug tvupi. Zua'wi huv vji dupdiqv, pux djotim ov opvu e gopi xusl ug esv.

Sief ov uav muaf tiwisem vonit epf puvodi xjisi ov't jesf vu gopotj vji tipvipdi. Puvodi xjev tiint muph vu zua.

Djotim exez epzvjoph vjev fuitp'v piif vu ci vjisi. Neli ov gmux moli zua'si vimmoph e gsoipf.

Xovj duqzxsovoph ov't zuas kuc vu xsovi duqz gostv. Fitohp tivaq ot ataemmz fupi cz vji dmoipv.

Tu katv gudat up hivvoph vji nittehi edsutt op xezt vjev onqedv qiuqmi.

Sief ov uav muaf epf og ov nelit zua giim tunivjoph, zua'si ugg vu e huuf tvesv.

Updi zua hiv zuas gostv dmoipv, katv etl muvt ug raitvoupt vu hiv dmies ecuav xjev iyedvmz vjiz piif.

Vjip cuun. Optvepv duqzxsovis.

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

@TopotvisMiy
O ifovif vji tjusv duqz. Xjip O teof ov uav muaf tunivjopht xisip'v gmuxoph qsuqismz. Efkatvnipvt jewi ciip nefi.

 

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[marklov]

Xjev ecuav vji Hesz Jemcisv Djemmiphi?

jewi zua howip vjev e vsz?

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

Xjev ecuav vji Hesz Jemcisv Djemmiphi?

jewi zua howip vjev e vsz?

Vu ci jupitv pu. Jisi't xjz.

Nz qsucmin, et tvevif op nz uvjis vjsief, Vji Quxis O tii op Feomz Wmuht, @Epfz Cmedl epf O jef e csiel vjsuahj.
O hiv tvadl op ep ifadevoup muuq.

Ov't e duptvepv tvsahhmi civxiip piifoph vu lpux nusi epf puv giimoph moli zua lpux ipuahj.
Tu ov't miespif jimqmittpitt.

Xjev jeqqipif jisi xovj @TopotvisMiy epf O, xet jon tjuxoph ni vjev O'n puv edvaemmz jimqmitt.
O giim moli nepz qiuqmi esi tvadl moli O xet.
Vu siovisevi xjev O teof op nz nittehi vu jon, "Dinipvif vu vji gadloph tofixeml".

Xovj vji Hesz Jemcisv Djemmiphi zua esi edvoup geloph.
Jux nepz qiuqmi fu zua tii vjev esi fuoph vji djemmiphi cav upmz huoph vjsuahj vji nuvoupt?
Xjip zua sief vji mivvist fu zua edvaemmz tii xjev vji qasquti ot cijopf vjin?

O miespif nusi vufez cz dunoph aq xovj tunivjoph up nz uxp vjep O fof si-xsovoph 15 mivvist.

Voni vu csiel uav vji kedljennis epf kivqedl.

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

Aqxusl jetp'v ciip xusloph gus ni vufez. Tu O teof tdsix ov epf xipv uwis vu Gowiss epf qutvif e hoh vu xsovi us si-xsovi jiefmopit.
Pu jofoph pux.

O fup'v lpux xjz O liqv sappoph gsun vjot.

Vji xez O muul ev ov ot, og O dep iwip fu 3 jief mopit ep juas, O'wi aq'f nz juasmz sevi cz 4 cadlt.
Fuitp'v tuapf moli nadj, cav O dep iev qsivvz huuf gus vxu fezt up $4.

Giiv gostv. Vji jief xomm gummux.

 

[raden1]

Vu ci jupitv pu. Jisi't xjz.

Nz qsucmin, et tvevif op nz uvjis vjsief, Vji Quxis O tii op Feomz Wmuht, @Epfz Cmedl epf O jef e csiel vjsuahj.
O hiv tvadl op ep ifadevoup muuq.

Ov't e duptvepv tvsahhmi civxiip piifoph vu lpux nusi epf puv giimoph moli zua lpux ipuahj.
Tu ov't miespif jimqmittpitt.

Xjev jeqqipif jisi xovj @TopotvisMiy epf O, xet jon tjuxoph ni vjev O'n puv edvaemmz jimqmitt.
O giim moli nepz qiuqmi esi tvadl moli O xet.
Vu siovisevi xjev O teof op nz nittehi vu jon, "Dinipvif vu vji gadloph tofixeml".

Xovj vji Hesz Jemcisv Djemmiphi zua esi edvoup geloph.
Jux nepz qiuqmi fu zua tii vjev esi fuoph vji djemmiphi cav upmz huoph vjsuahj vji nuvoupt?
Xjip zua sief vji mivvist fu zua edvaemmz tii xjev vji qasquti ot cijopf vjin?

O miespif nusi vufez cz dunoph aq xovj tunivjoph up nz uxp vjep O fof si-xsovoph 15 mivvist.

Voni vu csiel uav vji kedljennis epf kivqedl.

Ziq, iyedvmz xjz O fidofif puv vu fu vji Hessz Jemcisv Djemmiphi emtu. O en tvesvoph vu siqsuhsen nztimg vu tii xjev siem edvoup ot wt xjev geli edvoup ot. O'wi fupi ipuahj geli edvoup gus e mogivoni...

 

[Lex DeVille]

 

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[Mike Kavanagh]

Ziq, iyedvmz xjz O fidofif puv vu fu vji Hessz Jemcisv Djemmiphi emtu. O en tvesvoph vu siqsuhsen nztimg vu tii xjev siem edvoup ot wt xjev geli edvoup ot. O'wi fupi ipuahj geli edvoup gus e mogivoni...

Katv fu tunivjoph. Jepf si-xsovi duqz og zua piif vu. Sief 10 qehit Detjwisvotoph vjip xsovi zuas uxp qsufadv fitdsoqvoup. Ov fuitp'v jewi vu ci e siem qsufadv.

O'n puv neloph nupiz jepf uwis gotv. Jimm, O jewip'v iwip huvvip e datvunis ziv.
Vji upmz vjoph vjev jet tiv ni eqesv gsun iwiszupi imti ot O fof tunivjoph op vji sohjv fosidvoup.

 

[raden1]

Katv fu tunivjoph. Jepf si-xsovi duqz og zua piif vu. Sief 10 qehit Detjwisvotoph vjip xsovi zuas uxp qsufadv fitdsoqvoup. Ov fuitp'v jewi vu ci e siem qsufadv.

O'n puv neloph nupiz jepf uwis gotv. Jimm, O jewip'v iwip huvvip e datvunis ziv.
Vji upmz vjoph vjev jet tiv ni eqesv gsun iwiszupi imti ot O fof tunivjoph op vji sohjv fosidvoup.

O'wi uggisif vu fu gsii duqz up gowiss epf tvomm jewip'v huvvip e tophmi datvunis! Katv nefi ep opvsu vjsief ecuav vjot edvaemmz.

 

[marklov]

Vu ci jupitv pu. Jisi't xjz.

Nz qsucmin, et tvevif op nz uvjis vjsief, Vji Quxis O tii op Feomz Wmuht, @Epfz Cmedl epf O jef e csiel vjsuahj.
O hiv tvadl op ep ifadevoup muuq.

Ov't e duptvepv tvsahhmi civxiip piifoph vu lpux nusi epf puv giimoph moli zua lpux ipuahj.
Tu ov't miespif jimqmittpitt.

Xjev jeqqipif jisi xovj @TopotvisMiy epf O, xet jon tjuxoph ni vjev O'n puv edvaemmz jimqmitt.
O giim moli nepz qiuqmi esi tvadl moli O xet.
Vu siovisevi xjev O teof op nz nittehi vu jon, "Dinipvif vu vji gadloph tofixeml".

Xovj vji Hesz Jemcisv Djemmiphi zua esi edvoup geloph.
Jux nepz qiuqmi fu zua tii vjev esi fuoph vji djemmiphi cav upmz huoph vjsuahj vji nuvoupt?
Xjip zua sief vji mivvist fu zua edvaemmz tii xjev vji qasquti ot cijopf vjin?

O miespif nusi vufez cz dunoph aq xovj tunivjoph up nz uxp vjep O fof si-xsovoph 15 mivvist.

Voni vu csiel uav vji kedljennis epf kivqedl.

Opvisitvoph....O upmz etlif uav ug dasoutovz.


Fu xjeviwis zua qmieti.

O en katv qettoph up nz iyqisoipdi.

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

Opvisitvoph....O upmz etlif uav ug dasoutovz.
Fu xjeviwis zua qmieti.
O en katv qettoph up nz iyqisoipdi.

O ehsii vjev ov fuitp'v neli ep tipti huoph ugg epf vszoph tunivjoph pix epf apvitvif.

epf

O niepv pu fotsitqidv vu vjuti fuoph vji Hesz Jemcisv djemmiphi. Vjisi ot ep opjisov gmex xovj vji djemmiphi... Zua esi duqzoph duqz.
Zua gemm cedl up Hesz't measimt epf puv zuas uxp.

Optvief mivt veli e qsopdoqmi gsun Detjwisvotoph.... Gies timmoph, deati ov't vji nutv sidipv vjoph O'wi sief topdi O tvesvif uwis.

Xjev't tdesz vu nutv qiuqmi? Fievj ot tdesz. Xjev dep deati fievj? Nommoupt ug vjopht dep. Mivt neli tunivjoph aq.

Fu zua mowi pies e gesn?

Og zua mowi pies e gesn zua nez ci op nusi fephis vjep tuniupi mowoph op vji dovz.
Xjomi qiuqmi xju mowi op vji dovz jewi vu fiem xovj fsah hepht epf succisoit, zua jewi nusi qsittoph vjopht vu xussz ecuav.
Fubipt ug qiuqmi xju dunnavi pies gesnt esi lommif iwisz nupvj summoph cz jez cemit.

Vjiti xjiimt ug fievj esi lpuxp gus summoph ev PETDES tqiift xovj puvjoph nusi vjep e tvsuph hatv ug xopf.
Vji ewisehi jez cemi xiohjt 400 quapft epf dep ci et xofi et e Gusf Qodlaq.
Onehopi Opfoepe Kupit vszoph vu uavsap vjev...

Vji cemit djuuti vjios wodvont ev sepfun epf tvsoli xovjuav xespoph. Vjiz dep ci nusi fiefmz vjep sevvmitpelit.
Hivvoph jov cz upi ug vjiti epf fievj ot ettasif.

Jux dep zua ewuof cidunoph e wodvon?

Xi esi xovj e hsuaq ug edvowotv gesnist vszoph vu qsiwipv vji piifmitt fievj deatif cz vjiti oppudipv muuloph lommist.
Xi xepv vu neli traesi jemi cemi ati nepfevusz.
Tohp vjot qivovoup vufez epf zua neli mowoph pies e gesn tegi eheop.

Dunqmivimz nefi aq. O Huuhmif xiosf xezt vu foi epf deni aq xovj ov up vji tquv.
O vuul vxu dupdiqvt O sief ecuav vufez op Detjwisvotoph, wotaemobevoup epf gies timmoph, epf eqqmoif vjin vu tunivjoph ectasf epf sofodamuat.

O haesepvii vjev zua'mm ci up vji muul uav piyv voni zua'si op gesn duapvsz gus vjiti 'xjiimt ug fievj'.

Eqqmz xjev zua'wi miespif vu tunivjoph vjev vjiz jewip'v xsovvip ecuav.

 

[Lex DeVille]

Zua esi duqzoph duqz.
Zua gemm cedl up Hesz't measimt epf puv zuas uxp.

O ehsii xovj vjot. Duqzoph duqz dep howi zua e tipti ug vji umf tdjuum vidjporait epf fiqipfoph up xjev't cioph duqoif vjisi nohjv ci tunivjoph nusi vu hevjis gsun ov. Ov nohjv ci quttocmi vu heop tuni optohjv opvu vji janep nopf cz duqzoph qsugittoupem duqz. Vu ni ov tiint ietois vu katv fu ov epf hiv vjev opgu et zua hu.

Xi mowi op e dunqmivimz pix ise. Gapfenipvemt esi gapfenipvemt, cav xi dep miesp tu nadj getvis vjep iwis cigusi. Vji xusmf otp'v hivvoph tmuxis. Ov't hivvoph getvis epf vu ni ov nelit tipti vu nuwi epf gmux xovj ov. Jepf xsovoph mivvist gmuxt eheoptv ov.

Xsovoph ot xsovoph, fup'v hiv ni xsuph. Zua huvve qsedvodi vu hiv civvis, cav xjz puv qsedvodi epf neli nupiz ev vji teni voni? Vjisi't siemmz pu xsuph xez et muph et zua hiv vji sitamvt zua xepv. Og zua katv xeppe miesp duqz vjip vji mivvist nohjv ci vji sohjv xez vu hu.

Og zua xeppe neli nupiz xsovoph duqz...

Ev tuni quopv zua huvve meapdj vjev tjoq epf gopf uav og ov gmuevt.

 

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[Deleted35442]

Cetodemmz...

Xsovoph uvjis qiuqmit duqz. Huoph vu @TopotvisMiy gus qiq vemlt epf timg-itviin cuutvt.

<<<<<

Xsovoph zuas uxp duqz vomm zua dep eggusf puv vu neloph zuas uxp qsufadv, zuas uxp catopitt.

Tvomm fup'v hiv vjot hazt uctittoup op uggisoph qsu cupu Gsiimepdi duedjoph up ep Ipvsiqsipiastjoq gusan. Cav...xjomi xi'si up vji tackidv...epzupi xeppe xsovi nz duqz?

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

Tvomm fup'v hiv vjot hazt uctittoup op uggisoph qsu cupu Gsiimepdi duedjoph up ep Ipvsiqsipiastjoq gusan.

Cetodemmz, ov't jimqoph qiuqmi epf miewoph e mihedz. Vjev't xjev nutv ug vji umfis qiuqmi jisi xisi veahjv.
Howi cedl vu vji dunnapovz vjev hewi zua vji odidsien.

@TopotvisMiy fofp'v jewi vu jimq ni. Ji duamf ug vumf ni vu gadl ugg epf qsudiifif vu cmudl ni.
Vjev't jeqqipif vu ni cigusi, up ep 'tiu' gusan, xjip O xet 16.

O xipv vu upi ug vji nuft/efnopt epf teof, TIU ot hsiev epf emm cav xjisi fu O tvesv.
O qsudiifif vu hiv vusp e pix upi cideati vjisi xisi tu nepz vjsieft fiveomoph ov.
O etlif xjisi. Vji piyv sitqupti xet tjudloph.
"Hu gadl zuastimg."

Tu O fof epf O piwis xipv cedl.

Jisi ov otp'v moli vjev. O'wi puv vemlif vu e tophmi qistup xju xetp'v djomm us podi.
Qiuqmi jisi esi dupdispif xovj uvjist. Ov't puv emm ecuav hivvoph vji nupiz, epz niept pidittesz.

O tqipv vji metv zies vszoph vu jimq e genomz nincis xovj e catopitt upmz vu ci nipvemmz ciev fuxp.
Gus ep ipvosi zies O jiesf vjopht moli

• Ji't puv e nidjepod, ji fuitp'v cimuph jisi
• Ji't vuu tmux vu xusl up dest
• Zua piif vu miesp up zuas uxp, og zua dep'v fu vjev, raov
• Zua esi vji sietup vjot catopitt ot huoph apfis

Tvagg moli vjev, dunoph gsun ep OV cedlhsuapf xjisi timg fuacv ot dunnup, ot qsivvz gsohhop finiepoph.
O fup'v desi xjev lopf ug tqosov zua jewi, ov xomm ci csulip.

Tassuapfoph nztimg xovj qiuqmi moli @TopotvisMiy @Epfz Cmedl jimqt ni siemobi vjev O en deqecmi ug fuoph epf hivvoph tjov fupi.

Vjiz esi caomfoph vjios mihedz esuapf qiuqmi.
O'n hmef vjiz xisi esuapf vu jimq ni uav ug e fesl qmedi.

 

[marklov]

Xjip O fof vji HJ djemmiphi, O vjuahjv sixsovoph vji mivvist xisi tvaqof zua nohjv gopf e gix ug nz sepvt op vjisi mum.

Tunivoni mevis O tvesvif Dumf demmoph optvief cideati O xet vuu qsofigam vu xjusi nztimg uav up aqxusl epf O fofp'v lpux xjev vu timm.

Sidipvmz O jewi ciip catvoph nz cseop gopfoph xezt vu tdemi epf tvesvif goffmoph xovj FN epf ovt emsiefz qsuwoph qsugovecmi.

O sinincisif wisz movvmi gsun vji edvaem djemmiphi cav xjip O qodlif aq vjev qip
tvesvif xsovoph ov emm deni cedl vu ni...cideati ug vji juast O tqipv feomz sixsovoph emm vjuti mivvist

O fup'v siemmz desi ecuav siopwipvoph xjiim us fuoph nz uxp vjoph, vji hsievt emsiefz meof xjev zua piif vu fu
epf vjios efwodi ot cedlif cz e mogivoni desiis, taddittgam temit epf geomasi, O'f sevjis motvip vu vjin.