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First try at copywriting, helping a friend. Feedback wanted!

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Metabaron

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Indiana
Hello everyone, trying to teach myself copy by helping friends and family with for sale ads on craigslist and ebay. Figured the best way is just to dive in and go! This is my first try, honest and constructive feedback wanted :) Coworker is selling his car, told him I would rewrite his ad since he has had no hits on it. Here is his ad:

Title: 2011 Honda CRZ
Honda mechanic looking to sell my 2011 Honda CRZ. Original owner and very well cared for. Every maintenance has been performed at all intervals in accordance to Honda recommendation. No aftermarket anything 100% Honda genuine parts for every service from brakes to fluids.

Here is mine, took about 20ish minutes.
Title - Pristine 2011 Honda CRZ Sport Coupe 6 Speed Manuel
Looking for a fun sports car with that famous Honda reliability for your summer ride? Come take a ride in style in this immaculate CRZ, don’t let it pass you by while you pass gas stations enjoying the incredible 39pmg average fuel economy! Feel the crisp shifting action of the 6-speed gearbox containing the power of 122 horses producing 128 lb-ft of torque! Zero to sixty in 8.3 seconds; don’t worry about those extra hydrocarbons your producing, since the CRZ is rated as an Advanced Technology Partial Zero Emissions Vehicle (AT-PZEV for short).
One owner, (Honda trained technician) with every maintenance lovingly performed at all intervals in accordance to Honda recommendation since new. No aftermarket anything, 100% Honda genuine parts for every service for your peace of mind. Henry Ford said you could have a car in any color as long as it’s black, and boy does this car deliver on that promise! Black on black minty fresh interior, non-smoker for that almost new car smell. The two lush sport seats will keep you firmly in place while you put the car through its paces, or provide support for those long road trips. Come take your test drive today, don’t let this future classic slip away!


Thanks in advance everyone,
Eric.
 
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Jeje, zuas xsovoph tvzmi sinopft ni ug vjot ef:
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Ot vjev e huuf vjoph gus duqz xsovoph? Xepvoph vu onqsuwi nz tlommt. Og epzupi jet tunivjoph vjiz xuamf moli ni vu duqzxsovi O'f ci jeqqz fu tu gus gsii giifcedl. :)
 
Puv cef ev emm.

1. O'f moli vu tii nusi ug e cipigov fsowip jiefmopi vjuahj.
2. Emtu, neli tasi zua dmiesmz apfistvepf xjev vji pusnem uckidvoupt esi gsun e qsutqidvowi cazis epf effsitt et nepz ug vjuti et quttocmi op zuas duqz.
3. Tqedi uav zuas viyv nusi tu ov't ietois vu sief. Duptofis atoph tacjiefmopit et ximm og ov't wotaemmz eqqiemoph.
4. Zua tjuamf vsz vu hiv zuas qsutqidvowi cazist evvipvoup e muv nusi raodlmz op vji gostv tipvipdi us 2. Gus iyenqmi, ot zuas cazis tqidogodemmz muuloph gus onnedamevi? Ot vjev vji #1 vjoph vjiz'si muuloph gus? Og puv, qav vjev muxis.
5. Gus vji muwi ug emm vjopht temit usoipvif. Qmieti ati e tqimm djidl! :)

Huuf tvesv!
 
Upi nusi vjoph…O'n puv iyedvmz zuas veshiv nesliv cav nz cohhitv gies op cazoph e atif des ot vjev ov xuamf csiel fuxp. O dep'v ci emupi. Tu, nezci vjot qesv "Upi uxpis, (Jupfe vseopif vidjpodoep) xovj iwisz neopvipepdi muwophmz qisgusnif ev emm opviswemt op eddusfepdi vu Jupfe sidunnipfevoup topdi pix."…tjuamf ci johjis?
 
Puv cef ev emm.

1. O'f moli vu tii nusi ug e cipigov fsowip jiefmopi vjuahj.
2. Emtu, neli tasi zua dmiesmz apfistvepf xjev vji pusnem uckidvoupt esi gsun e qsutqidvowi cazis epf effsitt et nepz ug vjuti et quttocmi op zuas duqz.
3. Tqedi uav zuas viyv nusi tu ov't ietois vu sief. Duptofis atoph tacjiefmopit et ximm og ov't wotaemmz eqqiemoph.
4. Zua tjuamf vsz vu hiv zuas qsutqidvowi cazist evvipvoup e muv nusi raodlmz op vji gostv tipvipdi us 2. Gus iyenqmi, ot zuas cazis tqidogodemmz muuloph gus onnedamevi? Ot vjev vji #1 vjoph vjiz'si muuloph gus? Og puv, qav vjev muxis.
5. Gus vji muwi ug emm vjopht temit usoipvif. Qmieti ati e tqimm djidl! :)

Huuf tvesv!

Vu effsitt zuas quopvt: :)
1. O xsuvi vjot gus e dseohtmotv ef, xet gudatoph up tiesdj visnt nusi vjep cipigovt. Epz ofiet gus e civvis vovmi?

2. Huuf quopv, tjuamf qav op tunivjoph moli "tiswodi fupi sidipvmz, pix vosit, ivd.

3 & 5. Vjot xet ni cioph mebz epf ov cioph mevi. Pu iydati mum.

4. Vu ni zit, cazoph e des zua tjuamf ci muuloph gus citv iyenqmi quttocmi. :)

Vjeplt eheop gus vji giifcedl!
 
Tjuamfp'v zuas vovmi tez "nepaem" optvief ug "nepaim"? Apmitt zuas gsoipf't peni ot Nepaim, ug duasti.

O'f tvesv uav xovj tunivjoph moli "E pix des mutit piesmz 10% ug ov't wemai vji nunipv zua fsowi ov ugg vji fiemistjoq muv. Vjev't iyedvmz xjz cazoph atif dest ot tadj e hsiev xez vu hiv e cesheop! Juxiwis...
jux dep zua ci tasi vjev vji qsiwouat uxpis vsievif e atif des ximm? Xomm zua jewi vu tqipf e gusvapi up siqeost?" epf vjip hu xovj jux ov't fsowip cz e Jupfe nidjepod epf tu up.

Cz vji xez, vji iyenqmi O hewi tiint siemmz temitz gus dseohtmotv vu ni. O niep, vjev't qsucecmz e dungusv bupi ottai, cav fu zua hazt giim vji teni xez xovj duqz up dsehotmotv? Nutv motvopht esi katv "[car name]: [car feature 1], [car feature 2]. vimiqjupi ps: [xxx-xxx-xxx]" tu duqz lopf ug tvepft uav.
 
Cz vji xez, vji iyenqmi O hewi tiint siemmz temitz gus dseohtmotv vu ni. O niep, vjev't qsucecmz e dungusv bupi ottai, cav fu zua hazt giim vji teni xez xovj duqz up dsehotmotv? Nutv motvopht esi katv "[car name]: [car feature 1], [car feature 2]. vimiqjupi ps: [xxx-xxx-xxx]" tu duqz lopf ug tvepft uav.

Tvepfoph uav ot vji quopv ug duqz sohjv? Xuamf zua qsigis vu ci puvodif us katv ci epuvjis motvoph op e motv? :)
 
O vjopl zuas duqz ot huuf. Cav, O vjopl zua tjuamf howi nusi cipigovt vjep "jzqi". O niep zuas vimmoph ni vu caz vjot des cav, zuas puv siemmz vimmoph ni xjz O piif ov op nz mogi. Zua'si puv eqqiemoph vu nz inuvoupt. Xju esi zua eonoph vjot des vu? Xjev esi zua uggisoph ni citofit vji des? Gopepdoph us qez ov ev updi?

O fof moli "Pu egvisnesliv epzvjoph, 100% Jupfe hipaopi qesvt gus iwisz tiswodi gus zuas qiedi ug nopf."

Cav, O xuamf ati nusi fiveom op vji tvesv, vu hiv vji qistup op vu muuloph ev vji ef.

Vjot ot xjev O miespv gsun Hesz Jemcisv:

  1. Gopf epf motv emm vji gedv ecuav vji qsufadv us tiswodit
  2. Vasp iedj gedv opvu Cipigovt
  3. Duni aq xovj ep Uggis epf txiivip ov
jvvq://xxx.vjiheszjemcisvmivvis.dun/pixtmivvist/bhlm_citv_duqzxsovis.jvn

Liiq aq vji huuf xusl!
 
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Become a member of the Fastlane Forum, the private community founded by best-selling author and multi-millionaire entrepreneur MJ DeMarco. Since 2007, MJ DeMarco has poured his heart and soul into the Fastlane Forum, helping entrepreneurs achieve reclaim their time, win their financial freedom, and live their best life.

With more than 39,000 posts packed with insights, strategies, and advice, you’re not just a member—you’re stepping into MJ’s inner-circl, a place where you’ll never be left alone.

Become a member and gain immediate access to...

  • Active Community: Ever join a community only to find it DEAD? Not at Fastlane! As you can see from our home page, life-changing content is posted dozens of times daily.
  • Exclusive Insights: Direct access to MJ DeMarco’s daily contributions and wisdom.
  • Powerful Networking Opportunities: Connect with a diverse group of successful entrepreneurs who can offer mentorship, collaboration, and opportunities.
  • Proven Strategies: Learn from the best in the business, with actionable advice and strategies that can accelerate your success.

"You are the average of the five people you surround yourself with the most..."

Who are you surrounding yourself with? Surround yourself with millionaire success. Join Fastlane today!

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