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I'm writing this thread because there were many times in the past where myself and others wanted to tell someone they are doing something wrong, that they need to do things another way, etc. - and no matter how much you logically try to tell them: the message doesn't get through to the other person.
After learning, practice, failing, and experience, I discovered a way to create a change in the other person's problem...in a way where you don't have feel like you're speaking to a brick wall, or your voice is being unheard....
There is a recent thread where a member of this community was asking for advice, and needless to say; things escalated very quickly "on both sides".
There are three parts of the human being:
1. The conscious mind (where logical advice passes through) serves as a filter, and a guard to the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind (which is also the realm of the emotions) is where human behavior originates from. Through hypnosis, and other forms of influential communication; effective communicators are able to speak directly to the part of the brain which results in behavior.
If we try to power our way through the conscious mind, it is largely ineffective for creating actual change. We scream louder and it's almost as if nothing we say can get through to the person. It's frustrating and annoying when you see clear as day what the solution is...
The conscious mind is also the ego.
In the thread referenced above, a person's ego was attacked; which puts the person on red alert, and the deeper part of them thinks that the attack on their ego is a life or death situation. The fight or flight response kicks in, he is backed in the corner, and the guard is on full alert.
Their guard is up, and it's virtually impossible to get through to them once the guard is put on alert. It's best to avoid that....
Think of it as if you're a police officer who pulls someone over for speeding. You go up to the car, and when they reach back for their license, they reach onto the grip of handgun which is hidden in their waistband and it looks like the driver will pull it out. From that moment forward, you, as the officer, goes on red alert, and what's bound to happen?
For the entire remainder of the traffic stop...the guard is up, and you won't let it down.
Guns are drawn, backup is called, and no matter what the driver says, you're not even listening to him until he puts the gun down.
It's game over for any logical communication, the emotions kicked in full gear.
The same thing happens when a person feels their ego is being attacked...red alert...game over - you get nowhere with your advice.
So how do we get the message across to a person without setting their guard on full alert?
We take the point of reference off of of the person we are talking to, and onto a third party character...
Before we get to that, can you see what I'm saying about how once the red alert is triggered from the police officer/gun/traffic stop story? Can you visualize it in your head? How when the red alert is triggered it won't go down? And can you relate that to the communication with attacking the ego and how you should avoid putting the person's conscious mind/guard on red alert?
When the ego is on red alert, it stays up and it blocks off information from entering to the point of the brain that actually causes change...
The reason I told the story is because the part of the mind that is responsible for human behavior thinks in pictures and symbols.
I'm helping someone start a mens relationships coaching business right now. When he says something along the lines of "I'm going to go try to make the sale because I need one" in terms of getting a customer...I use a reference he's familiar with in dating.
"Can you picture a guy going up to a girl at a bar and trying to get her phone number? Does someone desperately trying for it come from a standpoint of higher value or lower value? Now, instead of trying to get the number, a man comes up and displays higher value. He is funny, charismatic, charming, comes from a standpoint of abundance, and is secure with himself. Would that women be more attracted to him because he come from a position of being someone a person wants to be with?"
Of course.
"So what if instead of trying to make a sale, you come from the standpoint of higher value, abundance, and you demonstrate how much value you can add to the guys' life? You demonstrate that you can solve their problems, you offer value to their lives. Just like the women want to be with the confident man, the guys you help want to be around the services your company offers. Makes sense?"
Of course.
So by doing two things:
1. Painting a picture that parallels the situation (the unconscious mind thinks in pictures and symbols), this is how you communicate with the part of the mind that actually responds to human behavior. This is commonalty referred to using analogies and metaphors within your communication.
"Stop trying to chase money..." (Conscious guard filters information).
The dating analogy (or any analogy that parallels that situation)...Speaks directly to the unconscious mind, which is the part of the mind that actually impacts the person's behavior.
What analogies/metaphors can you use, instead of giving logical advice?
2. Taking the point of reference off the person you're communicating with. When an ego thinks it's being attacked directly, it think's it's a life or death situation in real life, so the guard is on red alert like the police officer who sees the man reaching for a gun.
This is called the power of disassociation.
While I was painting the picture (through an analogy/metaphor) of the man trying to get the girl's phone number from a position of lower value...the relationship coach's conscious/guard mind was distracted and not on high alert because I wasn't talking about him...
I was talking about a guy at a bar....and then because I paralleled his situation (Trying to get number vs trying to make sales), I created the change in the part of his mind that actually influences his behavior.
He understood the message of coming from a standpoint of higher value because of the visual of a confident man speaking to a women. Immediately after this new internal representation (scene in his mind) was created, he then went on to attract his first coaching client - helping a guy improve his relationships.
So whenever I see someone who is making a mistake that is obvious with their mindset/actions, I try to keep this in mind:
1. Disassociate - Take the point of reference off their ego so they don't go on high alert and filter out the information.
2. Parallel the situation using pictures, symbols, analogies, and metaphors. When you create these pictures and stories in the person's unconscious mind (which usually have nothing to do with the surface-level content of their problem), these new internal representations are what are responsible for their new behavior. I used the dating example because the guy I'm talking to is knowledgable about dating. IF a person is into fishing, healthy eating, or racing turtles in their backyard...using an analogy that the are familiar with helps (but isn't necessary).
Now, for TAKING advice when people attack your ego...
Option 1 - spend years on a journey of spiritual enlightenment journey and surpass your ego and become one with the universe.
Option 2 - Fight for your survival and defend your ego, not giving a **** about the logical advice people give you. Sometimes this just feels better...but leaves you stuck...
Option 3 (the preferred method)- Disassociate. Imagine floating out of the scene, and seeing someone else having the same problems you went through. Parallel the situation, but see someone else instead of yourself. Create images in your mind of what things they can do, and then take the advice people gave you, and translate it to the pictures in your mind of the other person. And observe how the other person can improve their circumstances.
It's these internal representations that are build in our mind which impact our perception of the world and our behavior. When you learn how to shift those, you are now a more effective communicator.
After learning, practice, failing, and experience, I discovered a way to create a change in the other person's problem...in a way where you don't have feel like you're speaking to a brick wall, or your voice is being unheard....
There is a recent thread where a member of this community was asking for advice, and needless to say; things escalated very quickly "on both sides".
There are three parts of the human being:
- The conscious mind. (10%) - Logical communication
- The unconscious mind. (90%) - The Part of the mind that is directly responsible for human behavior.
- The higher self. (114.3%)
- "Just take action."
- "You have to add value."
- "Stop chasing money."
1. The conscious mind (where logical advice passes through) serves as a filter, and a guard to the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind (which is also the realm of the emotions) is where human behavior originates from. Through hypnosis, and other forms of influential communication; effective communicators are able to speak directly to the part of the brain which results in behavior.
If we try to power our way through the conscious mind, it is largely ineffective for creating actual change. We scream louder and it's almost as if nothing we say can get through to the person. It's frustrating and annoying when you see clear as day what the solution is...
The conscious mind is also the ego.
In the thread referenced above, a person's ego was attacked; which puts the person on red alert, and the deeper part of them thinks that the attack on their ego is a life or death situation. The fight or flight response kicks in, he is backed in the corner, and the guard is on full alert.
Their guard is up, and it's virtually impossible to get through to them once the guard is put on alert. It's best to avoid that....
Think of it as if you're a police officer who pulls someone over for speeding. You go up to the car, and when they reach back for their license, they reach onto the grip of handgun which is hidden in their waistband and it looks like the driver will pull it out. From that moment forward, you, as the officer, goes on red alert, and what's bound to happen?
For the entire remainder of the traffic stop...the guard is up, and you won't let it down.
Guns are drawn, backup is called, and no matter what the driver says, you're not even listening to him until he puts the gun down.
It's game over for any logical communication, the emotions kicked in full gear.
The same thing happens when a person feels their ego is being attacked...red alert...game over - you get nowhere with your advice.
So how do we get the message across to a person without setting their guard on full alert?
We take the point of reference off of of the person we are talking to, and onto a third party character...
Before we get to that, can you see what I'm saying about how once the red alert is triggered from the police officer/gun/traffic stop story? Can you visualize it in your head? How when the red alert is triggered it won't go down? And can you relate that to the communication with attacking the ego and how you should avoid putting the person's conscious mind/guard on red alert?
When the ego is on red alert, it stays up and it blocks off information from entering to the point of the brain that actually causes change...
The reason I told the story is because the part of the mind that is responsible for human behavior thinks in pictures and symbols.
I'm helping someone start a mens relationships coaching business right now. When he says something along the lines of "I'm going to go try to make the sale because I need one" in terms of getting a customer...I use a reference he's familiar with in dating.
"Can you picture a guy going up to a girl at a bar and trying to get her phone number? Does someone desperately trying for it come from a standpoint of higher value or lower value? Now, instead of trying to get the number, a man comes up and displays higher value. He is funny, charismatic, charming, comes from a standpoint of abundance, and is secure with himself. Would that women be more attracted to him because he come from a position of being someone a person wants to be with?"
Of course.
"So what if instead of trying to make a sale, you come from the standpoint of higher value, abundance, and you demonstrate how much value you can add to the guys' life? You demonstrate that you can solve their problems, you offer value to their lives. Just like the women want to be with the confident man, the guys you help want to be around the services your company offers. Makes sense?"
Of course.
So by doing two things:
1. Painting a picture that parallels the situation (the unconscious mind thinks in pictures and symbols), this is how you communicate with the part of the mind that actually responds to human behavior. This is commonalty referred to using analogies and metaphors within your communication.
"Stop trying to chase money..." (Conscious guard filters information).
The dating analogy (or any analogy that parallels that situation)...Speaks directly to the unconscious mind, which is the part of the mind that actually impacts the person's behavior.
What analogies/metaphors can you use, instead of giving logical advice?
2. Taking the point of reference off the person you're communicating with. When an ego thinks it's being attacked directly, it think's it's a life or death situation in real life, so the guard is on red alert like the police officer who sees the man reaching for a gun.
This is called the power of disassociation.
While I was painting the picture (through an analogy/metaphor) of the man trying to get the girl's phone number from a position of lower value...the relationship coach's conscious/guard mind was distracted and not on high alert because I wasn't talking about him...
I was talking about a guy at a bar....and then because I paralleled his situation (Trying to get number vs trying to make sales), I created the change in the part of his mind that actually influences his behavior.
He understood the message of coming from a standpoint of higher value because of the visual of a confident man speaking to a women. Immediately after this new internal representation (scene in his mind) was created, he then went on to attract his first coaching client - helping a guy improve his relationships.
So whenever I see someone who is making a mistake that is obvious with their mindset/actions, I try to keep this in mind:
1. Disassociate - Take the point of reference off their ego so they don't go on high alert and filter out the information.
2. Parallel the situation using pictures, symbols, analogies, and metaphors. When you create these pictures and stories in the person's unconscious mind (which usually have nothing to do with the surface-level content of their problem), these new internal representations are what are responsible for their new behavior. I used the dating example because the guy I'm talking to is knowledgable about dating. IF a person is into fishing, healthy eating, or racing turtles in their backyard...using an analogy that the are familiar with helps (but isn't necessary).
Now, for TAKING advice when people attack your ego...
Option 1 - spend years on a journey of spiritual enlightenment journey and surpass your ego and become one with the universe.
Option 2 - Fight for your survival and defend your ego, not giving a **** about the logical advice people give you. Sometimes this just feels better...but leaves you stuck...
Option 3 (the preferred method)- Disassociate. Imagine floating out of the scene, and seeing someone else having the same problems you went through. Parallel the situation, but see someone else instead of yourself. Create images in your mind of what things they can do, and then take the advice people gave you, and translate it to the pictures in your mind of the other person. And observe how the other person can improve their circumstances.
It's these internal representations that are build in our mind which impact our perception of the world and our behavior. When you learn how to shift those, you are now a more effective communicator.
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