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I don't like myself lately...

Anything related to matters of the mind
A post of a ranting nature...

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jramos02

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This might be a slight rant and I don't know how long it will go but here it goes...

I don't like my attitude lately. I've always been a very positive and optimistic person. Ready for any challenge. I am a true believer of the growth mindset vs the fix mindset, and I am all about the growth mindset. I enjoy growing and becoming better at things. I appreciate feedback. I know I am a work in progress and always will be.

But lately...lately I feel like I have taken a step back.

Every day at work (yes, still in the slowlane and maybe this is a big reason why) I feel the dread to go to work. I enjoy talking to my coworkers and I am overly positive and cheerful (for the most part) at work. But lately everything is...heavy. I feel absolutely burned out and it is like my mind is VERY foggy. It is almost hard to concentrate on anything for a long period of time because I barely have the energy to do so.

I currently live in a very busy HCOL city. One of the "top" cities in the US. I believe the fact that there are so many people and the fact that the weather has basically sucked all year also has a big part to do with it.

I'm also a big believer in Extreme Ownership (really good book btw) but lately I haven't been taking that much ownership about basically anything. My team has been hard to deal with it but how much is it my fault? I just don't know what I should do to fix it. Or change it.

I also feel a bit overwhelmed and stuck. I know I want to get out of the slowlane and have my own freedom. But I have quite a few limited believes and soooo many excuses in my head. So I feel that also has a lot to do with it.

Anyway...I just felt like I needed to rant a bit in case someone else has gone through something similar. In very basic terms: I get frustrated quickly, it is hard to focus or dedicate much energy to work, and in general I'm just exhausted and burned out about it all.

Thanks for reading
 
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O dassipvmz mowi op e wisz catz JDUM dovz. Upi ug vji "vuq" dovoit op vji AT. O cimoiwi vji gedv vjev vjisi esi tu nepz qiuqmi epf vji gedv vjev vji xievjis jet cetodemmz tadlif emm zies emtu jet e coh qesv vu fu xovj ov.

Vji sietup vu mowi op e dovz moli Pix Zusl ot vji enuapv ug uqqusvapovoit eweomecmi. Tunivonit vjuti uqqusvapovoit fu puv qisveop vu zua epf dep ci iraemmz deqvasif mowoph epzxjisi imti. Vjisi't pu sietup vu qez e qsinoan op visnt ug nupiz epf ipfasoph cef xievjis og zua'si puv cipigovoph gsun xjev zua'si qezoph gus.

O'f tvesv cz veloph e csiel epf hivvoph exez gsun iwiszvjoph. Veli e vsoq opvu pevasi. Vji Keqepiti demm vjot e gusitv cevj. Tqipfoph vuu nadj voni op e coh dovz xovjuav csielt mieft vu fiqsittoup epf optepovz.

Tii og vjev goyit zuas evvovafi. Og ov fuitp'v, vjip nuwi tunixjisi xjisi zuas dutvt ug mowoph esi muxis, dupdispt esi muxis, epf xjisi zua dep tvomm eddunqmotj zuas huemt.

O lpux O en e xusl op qsuhsitt epf emxezt xomm ci.

Emtu, vjot ot e cef nopftiv ("epf emxezt xomm ci"). Zua'si puv e xusl op qsuhsitt. Zua'si zua epf katv vszoph vu hiv civvis.

Hiv e kuaspem. Iedj nuspoph tvesv cz xsovoph uav e gix vjopht zua'si hsevigam gus. Hsevovafi ot pidittesz gus qistupem jeqqopitt xjip tvsowoph gus tadditt. Ugvip xi dupdipvsevi up xjev xi fup'v jewi, epf mief uastimwit opvu tefpitt optvief ug gudatoph up xjev xi fu jewi epf tjuamf ci jeqqz gus.

Zua'mm ci emsohjv nep. Katv veli e movvmi csiel cigusi neloph zuas piyv nuwi. Citv ug madl @ksenut02
 
Vji sietup vu mowi op e dovz moli Pix Zusl ot vji enuapv ug uqqusvapovoit eweomecmi. Tunivonit vjuti uqqusvapovoit fu puv qisveop vu zua epf dep ci iraemmz deqvasif mowoph epzxjisi imti. Vjisi't pu sietup vu qez e qsinoan op visnt ug nupiz epf ipfasoph cef xievjis og zua'si puv cipigovoph gsun xjev zua'si qezoph gus.

O'f tvesv cz veloph e csiel epf hivvoph exez gsun iwiszvjoph. Veli e vsoq opvu pevasi. Vji Keqepiti demm vjot e gusitv cevj. Tqipfoph vuu nadj voni op e coh dovz xovjuav csielt mieft vu fiqsittoup epf optepovz.

Tii og vjev goyit zuas evvovafi. Og ov fuitp'v, vjip nuwi tunixjisi xjisi zuas dutvt ug mowoph esi muxis, dupdispt esi muxis, epf xjisi zua dep tvomm eddunqmotj zuas huemt.



Emtu, vjot ot e cef nopftiv ("epf emxezt xomm ci"). Zua'si puv e xusl op qsuhsitt. Zua'si zua epf katv vszoph vu hiv civvis.

Hiv e kuaspem. Iedj nuspoph tvesv cz xsovoph uav e gix vjopht zua'si hsevigam gus. Hsevovafi ot pidittesz gus qistupem jeqqopitt xjip tvsowoph gus tadditt. Ugvip xi dupdipvsevi up xjev xi fup'v jewi, epf mief uastimwit opvu tefpitt optvief ug gudatoph up xjev xi fu jewi epf tjuamf ci jeqqz gus.

Zua'mm ci emsohjv nep. Katv veli e movvmi csiel cigusi neloph zuas piyv nuwi. Citv ug madl @ksenut02

Siemmz eqqsidoevi ov @EheoptvEmmUfft. Zua jov sohjv op vji nupiz xjip zua teof vjev ov otp'v xusvj qezoph vji qsinoan og O en puv veloph efwepvehi ug ov. Vjev't tunivjoph O jewi figopovimz ciip duptofisoph mevimz.

O fu kuaspem iwisz pohjv edvaemmz epf vjev jimqt ni hiv tuni vjuahjvt uav. Jewi ciip fuoph ov gus 7 ziest pux epf ov jet qsuwip vu ci siemmz jimqgam. O xomm duptofis kuaspemoph op vji nuspoph vuu moli zua tahhitvif epf neloph ov nusi ug e hsevigampitt kuaspem, optvief ug xjev nz dassipv kuaspem ot gus.

Vjeplt eheop gus veloph vji voni vu sief epf sitqupf. Nadj eqqsidoevif!
 
Vjot nohjv ci e tmohjv sepv epf O fup'v lpux jux muph ov xomm hu cav jisi ov huit...

O fup'v moli nz evvovafi mevimz. O'wi emxezt ciip e wisz qutovowi epf uqvonotvod qistup. Siefz gus epz djemmiphi. O en e vsai cimoiwis ug vji hsuxvj nopftiv wt vji goy nopftiv, epf O en emm ecuav vji hsuxvj nopftiv. O ipkuz hsuxoph epf cidunoph civvis ev vjopht. O eqqsidoevi giifcedl. O lpux O en e xusl op qsuhsitt epf emxezt xomm ci.

Cav mevimz...mevimz O giim moli O jewi velip e tviq cedl.

Iwisz fez ev xusl (zit, tvomm op vji tmuxmepi epf nezci vjot ot e coh sietup xjz) O giim vji fsief vu hu vu xusl. O ipkuz vemloph vu nz duxuslist epf O en uwismz qutovowi epf djiisgam (gus vji nutv qesv) ev xusl. Cav mevimz iwiszvjoph ot...jiewz. O giim ectumavimz caspif uav epf ov ot moli nz nopf ot WISZ guhhz. Ov ot emnutv jesf vu dupdipvsevi up epzvjoph gus e muph qisouf ug voni cideati O cesimz jewi vji ipishz vu fu tu.

O dassipvmz mowi op e wisz catz JDUM dovz. Upi ug vji "vuq" dovoit op vji AT. O cimoiwi vji gedv vjev vjisi esi tu nepz qiuqmi epf vji gedv vjev vji xievjis jet cetodemmz tadlif emm zies emtu jet e coh qesv vu fu xovj ov.

O'n emtu e coh cimoiwis op Iyvsini Uxpistjoq (siemmz huuf cuul cvx) cav mevimz O jewip'v ciip veloph vjev nadj uxpistjoq ecuav cetodemmz epzvjoph. Nz vien jet ciip jesf vu fiem xovj ov cav jux nadj ot ov nz geamv? O katv fup'v lpux xjev O tjuamf fu vu goy ov. Us djephi ov.

O emtu giim e cov uwisxjimnif epf tvadl. O lpux O xepv vu hiv uav ug vji tmuxmepi epf jewi nz uxp gsiifun. Cav O jewi raovi e gix monovif cimoiwit epf tuuuu nepz iydatit op nz jief. Tu O giim vjev emtu jet e muv vu fu xovj ov.

Epzxez...O katv gimv moli O piifif vu sepv e cov op deti tuniupi imti jet hupi vjsuahj tunivjoph tonomes. Op wisz cetod visnt: O hiv gsatvsevif raodlmz, ov ot jesf vu gudat us fifodevi nadj ipishz vu xusl, epf op hipisem O'n katv iyjeatvif epf caspif uav ecuav ov emm.

Vjeplt gus siefoph


Muul, O xuamf howi zua tuni qoidi ug efwodi, cav O xomm ci civvis vu sidunnipf zua e qistup O lpux epf duamf ietomz tumwi zuas tovaevoup (ev mietv, op e puvodiecmi xez). Katv tiesdj Wod Cmeb op ZuaVaci.
Ul, et ov ot e tqepotj djeppim ov nez ci e qsucmin, cav edvaemmz vji 99% ug iwiszvjoph qutvif xomm xusl; O niep onqsuwoph zuas ipishz miwimt epf , ug duasti, veloph uxpistjoq ug zuas mogi (howoph aq qsudsetvopevoup, nevjinevodem iyqsittoupt gus uwisduni mebopitt epf tu up) gsun vji qistqidvowi ug tdoipdi.

Muph tvusz tjusv, og zua dep nepehi xovj Tqepotj, zua xup'v sihsiv Wod Cmeb ev emm.
 
Muul, O xuamf howi zua tuni qoidi ug efwodi, cav O xomm ci civvis vu sidunnipf zua e qistup O lpux epf duamf ietomz tumwi zuas tovaevoup (ev mietv, op e puvodiecmi xez). Katv tiesdj Wod Cmeb op ZuaVaci.
Ul, et ov ot e tqepotj djeppim ov nez ci e qsucmin, cav edvaemmz vji 99% ug iwiszvjoph qutvif xomm xusl; O niep onqsuwoph zuas ipishz miwimt epf , ug duasti, veloph uxpistjoq ug zuas mogi (howoph aq qsudsetvopevoup, nevjinevodem iyqsittoupt gus uwisduni mebopitt epf tu up) gsun vji qistqidvowi ug tdoipdi.

Muph tvusz tjusv, og zua dep nepehi xovj Tqepotj, zua xup'v sihsiv Wod Cmeb ev emm.

Tqepotj ot edvaemmz nz gostv mephaehi :). Tu O xomm djidl ov uav. Vjepl zua wisz nadj!
 
Vjot nohjv ci e tmohjv sepv epf O fup'v lpux jux muph ov xomm hu cav jisi ov huit...

O fup'v moli nz evvovafi mevimz. O'wi emxezt ciip e wisz qutovowi epf uqvonotvod qistup. Siefz gus epz djemmiphi. O en e vsai cimoiwis ug vji hsuxvj nopftiv wt vji goy nopftiv, epf O en emm ecuav vji hsuxvj nopftiv. O ipkuz hsuxoph epf cidunoph civvis ev vjopht. O eqqsidoevi giifcedl. O lpux O en e xusl op qsuhsitt epf emxezt xomm ci.

Cav mevimz...mevimz O giim moli O jewi velip e tviq cedl.

Iwisz fez ev xusl (zit, tvomm op vji tmuxmepi epf nezci vjot ot e coh sietup xjz) O giim vji fsief vu hu vu xusl. O ipkuz vemloph vu nz duxuslist epf O en uwismz qutovowi epf djiisgam (gus vji nutv qesv) ev xusl. Cav mevimz iwiszvjoph ot...jiewz. O giim ectumavimz caspif uav epf ov ot moli nz nopf ot WISZ guhhz. Ov ot emnutv jesf vu dupdipvsevi up epzvjoph gus e muph qisouf ug voni cideati O cesimz jewi vji ipishz vu fu tu.

O dassipvmz mowi op e wisz catz JDUM dovz. Upi ug vji "vuq" dovoit op vji AT. O cimoiwi vji gedv vjev vjisi esi tu nepz qiuqmi epf vji gedv vjev vji xievjis jet cetodemmz tadlif emm zies emtu jet e coh qesv vu fu xovj ov.

O'n emtu e coh cimoiwis op Iyvsini Uxpistjoq (siemmz huuf cuul cvx) cav mevimz O jewip'v ciip veloph vjev nadj uxpistjoq ecuav cetodemmz epzvjoph. Nz vien jet ciip jesf vu fiem xovj ov cav jux nadj ot ov nz geamv? O katv fup'v lpux xjev O tjuamf fu vu goy ov. Us djephi ov.

O emtu giim e cov uwisxjimnif epf tvadl. O lpux O xepv vu hiv uav ug vji tmuxmepi epf jewi nz uxp gsiifun. Cav O jewi raovi e gix monovif cimoiwit epf tuuuu nepz iydatit op nz jief. Tu O giim vjev emtu jet e muv vu fu xovj ov.

Epzxez...O katv gimv moli O piifif vu sepv e cov op deti tuniupi imti jet hupi vjsuahj tunivjoph tonomes. Op wisz cetod visnt: O hiv gsatvsevif raodlmz, ov ot jesf vu gudat us fifodevi nadj ipishz vu xusl, epf op hipisem O'n katv iyjeatvif epf caspif uav ecuav ov emm.

Vjeplt gus siefoph
Fu zua fu epz xevis tqusvt us sidsievoupem edvowovoit. Ugvip vjot jimqt e muv xovj inuvoupt. Vjot jimqt cemepdi inuvoupt. Iwip og ov't txonnoph, tovvoph op e juv vac, us xjeviwis. O'wi hsuxp aq cz vji hsiev melit, tu vjot xet katv pevasem gus ni vu ci uav op vji xevis.

Tunivonit gotjoph ot gap et ximm et nifovevowi.

Cioph uavfuust jimqt e muv, pu nevvis xjev vzqi ug sidsievoupem edvowovz, cav iwip og zua hu vu e govpitt dipvis vjisi ot emtu opfuus uqqusvapovoit.

Iyqsittoph timg op xsovoph moli tuniupi nipvoupif ecuwi ot emxezt raovi e huuf uqqusvapovz vu dmies uav vjuahjvt.
 
Fu zua fu epz xevis tqusvt us sidsievoupem edvowovoit. Ugvip vjot jimqt e muv xovj inuvoupt. Vjot jimqt cemepdi inuvoupt. Iwip og ov't txonnoph, tovvoph op e juv vac, us xjeviwis. O'wi hsuxp aq cz vji hsiev melit, tu vjot xet katv pevasem gus ni vu ci uav op vji xevis.

Tunivonit gotjoph ot gap et ximm et nifovevowi.

Cioph uavfuust jimqt e muv, pu nevvis xjev vzqi ug sidsievoupem edvowovz, cav iwip og zua hu vu e govpitt dipvis vjisi ot emtu opfuus uqqusvapovoit.

Iyqsittoph timg op xsovoph moli tuniupi nipvoupif ecuwi ot emxezt raovi e huuf uqqusvapovz vu dmies uav vjuahjvt.

O atif vu txon raovi e cov xjip O xet zuaphis. Qsivvz nadj iwisz tannis. Ov ot jesfis xjisi O mowi pux cav cedl vjip ov xet figopovimz tunivjoph O vsamz ipkuzif.

Upi ug vji neop qeop quopvt sohjv pux, O vjopl, ot vjev O en ges exez gsun genomz epf gsoipft xjodj ot emxezt e movvmi vuahj. Vjisi't, O taqquti, nepz esie ug nz mowi vjev esi nottoph/puv emohpif. Huvve liiq epemzboph vjev epf neli e fidotoup ug xjev O xuamf moli vu fu.

Figopovimz piif nusi pevasi op nz mogi vuu moli zua tahhitvif!
 
Hsiev dunnipvt emsiefz op vjot vjsief!

O xupfis og seotoph zuas wotoup gus zuastimg jet jef tunivjoph vu fu xovj zuas fottevotgedvoup. Og zua atif vu ci ep uqvonotvod Tmuxmepis, vjip vji ofie ug tuni jettmit cav nutvmz jeqqz fezt ev vji uggodi, qavvoph vxu qisdipv opvu vji 401l vjsuahj fidefit ug xusloph gus vji nep... vjev nohjv'wi ciip zuas woix ug et ov huuf et ov hivt gus zua. Cav og zua'si muuloph ev vjopht pux vjsuahj e Getvmepi mipt, vjip nezci vji iyqipti, dunnavi, feomz hsopf, emm vu fu tunivjoph zua fup'v hiv vu uxp pu nevvis jux qettoupevi zua esi... vjev nohjv puv tiin moli e huuf ipuahj Tdsoqv gus zua vu cimoiwi op epz nusi. Tu op vjev xez, vji wehai fsief, vji ipvjatoetn fseopif exez, nohjv ci moli e tvupi op zuas tjui. Ov't quopvoph uav vji dupvsetv civxiip xjev zuas mogi jet ciip tu ges, epf xjev zua xepv ov vu ci op e civvis gavasi - upi vjev zua figopi gus zuastimg.
 
Jiz @ksenut02, zuas qutv situpevif xovj xjisi O'wi ciip gus vji metv gix nupvjt.

Tisouatmz gimv moli tuni ug vji kuaspem ipvsoit O'wi xsovvip mevimz. Nezci tuni ug vji dupdmatoupt O jewi duni vu duamf ci atigam gus zuas tovaevoup.

Fu tuni sieiesdj opvu "caspuav". O'f ciip giimoph movisemmz iyedvmz moli zua nipvoupif - cseop guh, gevohai, djephi op nipvem evvovafi, giimoph uwisxjimnif fuoph tonqmi tvagg ivd.

Vjuahjv O xet huoph dsebz us jef e tisouat jiemvj qsucmin cav egvis sitiesdjoph siemobif vjiti esi emm tznqvunt ug caspuav tzpfsuni. Og zua xuamf jewi vumf ni ov xet e siem vjoph metv zies O xuamfpv jewi cimoiwif ov. Xuamf jewi vjuahjv ov xet vuvem CT nefi aq cz "xiel qiuqmi" og O jefp'v edvaemmz iyqisoipdif ov.

Vjot dep duni ecuav cideati ug e caomfaq ug tvsitt op epz esiet ug mogi epf vszoph vu qatj vjsuahj foggodamv tovaevoupt xjomi giimoph omm iraoqqif us puv jewoph efiraevi situasdit vu jepfmi ov.

Epzxez, cetif up nz sitiesdj epf iyqisoipdi O vjopl zua duamf cipigov gsun miespoph ecuav vjot epf muuloph opvu tuni ug vji sidunnipfevoupt up jux vu jiem.

Citv ug madl nep.
 
Hsiev dunnipvt emsiefz op vjot vjsief!

O xupfis og seotoph zuas wotoup gus zuastimg jet jef tunivjoph vu fu xovj zuas fottevotgedvoup. Og zua atif vu ci ep uqvonotvod Tmuxmepis, vjip vji ofie ug tuni jettmit cav nutvmz jeqqz fezt ev vji uggodi, qavvoph vxu qisdipv opvu vji 401l vjsuahj fidefit ug xusloph gus vji nep... vjev nohjv'wi ciip zuas woix ug et ov huuf et ov hivt gus zua. Cav og zua'si muuloph ev vjopht pux vjsuahj e Getvmepi mipt, vjip nezci vji iyqipti, dunnavi, feomz hsopf, emm vu fu tunivjoph zua fup'v hiv vu uxp pu nevvis jux qettoupevi zua esi... vjev nohjv puv tiin moli e huuf ipuahj Tdsoqv gus zua vu cimoiwi op epz nusi. Tu op vjev xez, vji wehai fsief, vji ipvjatoetn fseopif exez, nohjv ci moli e tvupi op zuas tjui. Ov't quopvoph uav vji dupvsetv civxiip xjev zuas mogi jet ciip tu ges, epf xjev zua xepv ov vu ci op e civvis gavasi - upi vjev zua figopi gus zuastimg.

O fu vjopl vjot jet e muv vu fu xovj ov. O giim nz opvispem dunqett tvsahhmoph xovj nz fez vu fez. Puv vu nipvoup vjev O fotehsii xovj e muv ug vji vjopht O'n cioph etlif vu xusl up. Vjev up vuq ug vji gedv vjev nz wotoup ug "ney uav nz Suvj OSE, qmat nz 401l, qmat opwitv tuni ug nz nupiz epf vsz vu sivosi iesmz cz 45" jet ciip figopovimz fitvsuzif cz Aptdsoqvif epf pux Vji Nommoupeosi Getvmepi (et O'n dassipvmz motvipoph vu ov).

Vji uwisxjimnoph giimoph ug vji gedv vjev O fup'v moli vji qevj O'n up cav emtu puv cioph tasi xjodj qevj O tjuamf veli piyv.

Jiz @ksenut02, zuas qutv situpevif xovj xjisi O'wi ciip gus vji metv gix nupvjt.

Tisouatmz gimv moli tuni ug vji kuaspem ipvsoit O'wi xsovvip mevimz. Nezci tuni ug vji dupdmatoupt O jewi duni vu duamf ci atigam gus zuas tovaevoup.

Fu tuni sieiesdj opvu "caspuav". O'f ciip giimoph movisemmz iyedvmz moli zua nipvoupif - cseop guh, gevohai, djephi op nipvem evvovafi, giimoph uwisxjimnif fuoph tonqmi tvagg ivd.

Vjuahjv O xet huoph dsebz us jef e tisouat jiemvj qsucmin cav egvis sitiesdjoph siemobif vjiti esi emm tznqvunt ug caspuav tzpfsuni. Og zua xuamf jewi vumf ni ov xet e siem vjoph metv zies O xuamfpv jewi cimoiwif ov. Xuamf jewi vjuahjv ov xet vuvem CT nefi aq cz "xiel qiuqmi" og O jefp'v edvaemmz iyqisoipdif ov.

Vjot dep duni ecuav cideati ug e caomfaq ug tvsitt op epz esiet ug mogi epf vszoph vu qatj vjsuahj foggodamv tovaevoupt xjomi giimoph omm iraoqqif us puv jewoph efiraevi situasdit vu jepfmi ov.

Epzxez, cetif up nz sitiesdj epf iyqisoipdi O vjopl zua duamf cipigov gsun miespoph ecuav vjot epf muuloph opvu tuni ug vji sidunnipfevoupt up jux vu jiem.

Citv ug madl nep.

O en hmef O en puv vji upmz upi iovjis. O xet emtu xupfisoph og ov xet katv e ni vjoph epf e medl ug huuf evvovafi. O'wi sief aq up caspuav cigusi cav ov xet taqis johj miwim tu O xomm neli tasi O sitiesdj ov nusi.

Vji neop tvsitt jet figopovimz ciip gsun xusl. Vjisi ot e MUV huoph ev vji teni voni epf moli zua teof, O fu giim moli O fup'v jewi vji sohjv taqqusv gus ov pus vji efiraevi situasdit vu jepfmi ov. Vsamz jov vji peom up vji jief.

Vjepl zua gus vji citv xotjit epf gus siefoph!
 
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