So... tonight at work, I had a panic attack.
It was a full-blown, gut-wrenching, heart pulling couple hours. The entire experience felt like the weight of the world was on my chest; I was in deep physical pain, was hyperventilating, had blurry vision, could barely speak, and was crying more or less uncontrollably.
After a romantic break-up or somebody close to me dying, I've obviously lost it before... but I don't think I've EVER been through something this treachorous before. I just kept ending up behind the restaurant with my face in my hands, gasping for air, asking myself: "What the F*ck is going on?"
I like to think I'm normally pretty "tough". When things goes wrong, I can deal with it. Stolen dreams, a car crash, rejections, failures, injuries, missed opportunities, and lost love. They obviously sting, but you move on right? So if I can normally handle those things, I have to ask myself: what affected me so much that I had a panic attack?
There were a few reasons I thought of initially - maybe it's the lack of sleep I've consistently had for the last month. Perhaps it was the sheer number of hours I've been putting into my two jobs, studying, and dream business development. Lack of calories after a strong workout this afternoon?
No, no, and unfortunately... no. These were easy to point do, but definitely not the real CAUSE of what happened.
It would be nice to point to one of those issues, because it would mean that I could simply "fix" the issue by eating more or getting more sleep, and be fine tomorrow.
I'm confident the cause of what happened is something more subtle, and more disturbing.
I basically see it as an outburst of my spirit against the repression, anxiety, and frustration I feel way too often.
The truth of the matter is I'm not happy with my life and who I am.
Too often, I put up a front and a mask as if "everything is good" - yeah, business is great! I'm happy with how life is working out! My girlfriend Madi and I are doing well!
It's bullshit.
Even as I was in the middle of a panic attack tonight, choking up, I was trying to tell people: "no - it's good. I'm okay!"
Really though, parts of me are screaming inside... "What do you mean, I have to work this hard to scrape by?! Why haven't I hit the goal, after all this effort?! How do people tolerate living like this... not truly enjoying what they do day-to-day, not seeing a bigger vision for their lives and community, not aspiring to more than this mundane drudgery we call life?"
Haven't you ever felt this way?
Because so many people don't want to talk about these thoughts and feelings I hold so near and dear, I feel isolated sometimes... You start to wonder after a while, "Am I the crazy one?"
Do you ever wonder...
Doesn't anybody else want to live an EPIC life?
Doesn't anybody want to actually find out how great they can become, how much they can help their family and friends?
Doesn't anybody want more? REALLY want it?!!
Where are the people who are going to fix our worlds real problems - climate change, food insecurity, health epidemics, social injustice, slavery, environmental rape?
Yet here I am, wishfully thinking I might be able to make a positive impact in these arenas of life - and I can barely put food on my plate and gas in my car while handling responisibilites. It's a joke.
I feel trapped in my life, and no matter how much effort I put in - it seems like I make little to no progress. Hearing the quiet pressure of my lifes clock ticking away, while I see the people I love suffer because I can't be who I need to be for them - drives me batshit crazy.
When I just sit with these feelings, I feel a MASSIVE surge of energy build up inside of me - I just can't seem to find the right channel to push the energy through, to create the results I want in my life.
Books, online courses, live seminars, drunken late-night conversations, asking my peers for advice - they just aren't providing the speed, quality, or level of transformation I'm left desiring.
At twenty-one years old now, I have been really TRYING for the last three and a half years I guess - ever since I left high school in the summer of 2012, I've been seraching for a fulfilment and happiness that seems to be elusive.
This year though, it's time for a new narrative.
Considering I will do WHATEVER it takes, it's time that I REALLY live up to my potential and give these dreams - these plans - EVERYTHING I have. What else could possibly make this year worthwhile?
Vibrant Green Farms has been little more than an idea stuck in my head for three years... this spring, I'm going to find or make a way to make this vision a reality. The vision of Vibrant Green is beautiful to me: producing environmentally regenerative, truly nutritious food for my community. Turning waste like old branches and restaurant scraps into topsoil, the magic layer of life. Bringing biodiversity, energy, and fertility to an otherwise barren and dull landscape devoid of purpose.
This spring, I'll buy a property near Collingwood to transform and do my best to share this passion and excitement I have for farming - with other people, through the great food I plan to produce.
Let's make this our year.
Let's finally break through the limitations and beliefs we have let hold us back for so long.
Let's make the world we know is possible in our hearts.
Are you in?
Not to help grow organic veggies, I mean. ARE YOU IN to get serious about your dreams, your ideals?
If you are, get in touch with me. I would absolutely love your support and advice personally, and would be honoured to give you mine in return. We need to stick together and share our angles and opinions with each other; we may just hold the key for each others locks on the doors of greatness and love.
As for the panic attack, I'm pretty sure it's time that I answer the quiet call to adventure and make this happen. Otherwise, I may be stuck dealing with another panic in the future... and that's not an appealing option.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. It's difficult for me to share something so personal, but I feel like it's important to do. I wanted to share this in case anybody else could learn from, or be inspired from my experience.
I'm really looking forward to what this year holds in store for us... let's live it up, on our terms!
Happy new year, everyone.
May you find everything you're looking for, and more.
- Michael
It was a full-blown, gut-wrenching, heart pulling couple hours. The entire experience felt like the weight of the world was on my chest; I was in deep physical pain, was hyperventilating, had blurry vision, could barely speak, and was crying more or less uncontrollably.
After a romantic break-up or somebody close to me dying, I've obviously lost it before... but I don't think I've EVER been through something this treachorous before. I just kept ending up behind the restaurant with my face in my hands, gasping for air, asking myself: "What the F*ck is going on?"
I like to think I'm normally pretty "tough". When things goes wrong, I can deal with it. Stolen dreams, a car crash, rejections, failures, injuries, missed opportunities, and lost love. They obviously sting, but you move on right? So if I can normally handle those things, I have to ask myself: what affected me so much that I had a panic attack?
There were a few reasons I thought of initially - maybe it's the lack of sleep I've consistently had for the last month. Perhaps it was the sheer number of hours I've been putting into my two jobs, studying, and dream business development. Lack of calories after a strong workout this afternoon?
No, no, and unfortunately... no. These were easy to point do, but definitely not the real CAUSE of what happened.
It would be nice to point to one of those issues, because it would mean that I could simply "fix" the issue by eating more or getting more sleep, and be fine tomorrow.
I'm confident the cause of what happened is something more subtle, and more disturbing.
I basically see it as an outburst of my spirit against the repression, anxiety, and frustration I feel way too often.
The truth of the matter is I'm not happy with my life and who I am.
Too often, I put up a front and a mask as if "everything is good" - yeah, business is great! I'm happy with how life is working out! My girlfriend Madi and I are doing well!
It's bullshit.
Even as I was in the middle of a panic attack tonight, choking up, I was trying to tell people: "no - it's good. I'm okay!"
Really though, parts of me are screaming inside... "What do you mean, I have to work this hard to scrape by?! Why haven't I hit the goal, after all this effort?! How do people tolerate living like this... not truly enjoying what they do day-to-day, not seeing a bigger vision for their lives and community, not aspiring to more than this mundane drudgery we call life?"
Haven't you ever felt this way?
Because so many people don't want to talk about these thoughts and feelings I hold so near and dear, I feel isolated sometimes... You start to wonder after a while, "Am I the crazy one?"
Do you ever wonder...
Doesn't anybody else want to live an EPIC life?
Doesn't anybody want to actually find out how great they can become, how much they can help their family and friends?
Doesn't anybody want more? REALLY want it?!!
Where are the people who are going to fix our worlds real problems - climate change, food insecurity, health epidemics, social injustice, slavery, environmental rape?
Yet here I am, wishfully thinking I might be able to make a positive impact in these arenas of life - and I can barely put food on my plate and gas in my car while handling responisibilites. It's a joke.
I feel trapped in my life, and no matter how much effort I put in - it seems like I make little to no progress. Hearing the quiet pressure of my lifes clock ticking away, while I see the people I love suffer because I can't be who I need to be for them - drives me batshit crazy.
When I just sit with these feelings, I feel a MASSIVE surge of energy build up inside of me - I just can't seem to find the right channel to push the energy through, to create the results I want in my life.
Books, online courses, live seminars, drunken late-night conversations, asking my peers for advice - they just aren't providing the speed, quality, or level of transformation I'm left desiring.
At twenty-one years old now, I have been really TRYING for the last three and a half years I guess - ever since I left high school in the summer of 2012, I've been seraching for a fulfilment and happiness that seems to be elusive.
This year though, it's time for a new narrative.
Considering I will do WHATEVER it takes, it's time that I REALLY live up to my potential and give these dreams - these plans - EVERYTHING I have. What else could possibly make this year worthwhile?
Vibrant Green Farms has been little more than an idea stuck in my head for three years... this spring, I'm going to find or make a way to make this vision a reality. The vision of Vibrant Green is beautiful to me: producing environmentally regenerative, truly nutritious food for my community. Turning waste like old branches and restaurant scraps into topsoil, the magic layer of life. Bringing biodiversity, energy, and fertility to an otherwise barren and dull landscape devoid of purpose.
This spring, I'll buy a property near Collingwood to transform and do my best to share this passion and excitement I have for farming - with other people, through the great food I plan to produce.
Let's make this our year.
Let's finally break through the limitations and beliefs we have let hold us back for so long.
Let's make the world we know is possible in our hearts.
Are you in?
Not to help grow organic veggies, I mean. ARE YOU IN to get serious about your dreams, your ideals?
If you are, get in touch with me. I would absolutely love your support and advice personally, and would be honoured to give you mine in return. We need to stick together and share our angles and opinions with each other; we may just hold the key for each others locks on the doors of greatness and love.
As for the panic attack, I'm pretty sure it's time that I answer the quiet call to adventure and make this happen. Otherwise, I may be stuck dealing with another panic in the future... and that's not an appealing option.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. It's difficult for me to share something so personal, but I feel like it's important to do. I wanted to share this in case anybody else could learn from, or be inspired from my experience.
I'm really looking forward to what this year holds in store for us... let's live it up, on our terms!
Happy new year, everyone.
May you find everything you're looking for, and more.
- Michael
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