SIDE HUSTLE Looking For Constructive Criticism - Sales Copy

[AlexLegault]

Hey guys,

I'm looking for some feedback on this copywriting gig I started on Fiverr.

I'm trying to build up my skills and I'd appreciate some feedback if you guys have any!

Link:

alexlegault95 : I will write legendary sales copy for $50 on www.fiverr.com

Any constructive criticism is much appreciated!

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

Here's your copy:

Are you tired of wondering what to write to get people to buy?

Do you have a great looking web page, but still aren’t making sales?

Would you like to boost your income and dramatically increase your sales?


I am a direct-response copywriter. I write words that sell.


But not just any words..


Most copywriters are very focused on being "creative", "funny" or even "witty".


I'm none of that.


I write words that get attention, build desire, and get people to buy. Period.


Results are the only thing that matters when it comes to selling. And that's what I want for you.


You're here because you want to make money, but you don't know what to write.

You're here because you want to save time.


I can help you with your:

• Sales Letter/Sales Page
• Squeeze Page/Opt In Offer
• Mail Order Ad
• Social Media Ad
• Email Newsletter

I use a proven copywriting blueprint that has not only worked for myself and others, but will work for you as well.


If you're anything less than satisfied, I'll gladly issue a refund.


Click the order button now to get your sales copy today.

IMO, it's not bad, but it can be improved by adding more vivid details and specifics.

The brighter (and bigger) a picture you can paint, the better it is.

For instance...

Yours: Are you tired of wondering what to write to get people to buy?
Mine: Tired of ripping your hair out wondering what makes people buy?

Yours: Do you have a great looking web page, but still aren’t making sales?
Mine: Spent a fortune on a killer web page, but it still doesn't convert in sales or leads?

For instance: Would you like to boost your income and dramatically increase your sales?

This statement is about as beaten to death as you can get. It is so overused, it means nothing.

 

[pmaloneus]

O xuamf tez vji qodvasi tjuamf ci djephif eteq, fofp'v iwip sief vji duqz. O'wi atif gowiss epf fidipv enuapv, epf zuas dassipv qodvasi xuamf puv dunqim ni vu ati zuas tiswodi.

O xuamf katv gopf tuniupi xju dep neli zua e fidipv gowiss muhu (osupz) gus moli $5-10, vjev emupi xuamf neli e jahi foggisipdi.

Huuf madl, epf juqi zua hiv e duaqmi e hoht tuup!

 

[AlexLegault]

Jisi't zuas duqz:



ONU, ov't puv cef, cav ov dep ci onqsuwif cz effoph nusi wowof fiveomt epf tqidogodt.

Vji csohjvis (epf cohhis) e qodvasi zua dep qeopv, vji civvis ov ot.

Gus optvepdi...

Zuast: Esi zua vosif ug xupfisoph xjev vu xsovi vu hiv qiuqmi vu caz?
Nopi: Vosif ug soqqoph zuas jeos uav xupfisoph xjev nelit qiuqmi caz?

Zuast: Fu zua jewi e hsiev muuloph xic qehi, cav tvomm esip’v neloph temit?
Nopi: Tqipv e gusvapi up e lommis xic qehi, cav ov tvomm fuitp'v dupwisv op temit us mieft?

Gus optvepdi: Xuamf zua moli vu cuutv zuas opduni epf fsenevodemmz opdsieti zuas temit?

Vjot tvevinipv ot ecuav et cievip vu fievj et zua dep hiv. Ov ot tu uwisatif, ov niept puvjoph.

Jeje O moli vjev, ov't vsai vjev O fof qodvasi ov nusi op nz nopf jiesoph ov vjev xez.

Vjev't qsucecmz xjz ov tuapfif e movvmi djiitz.. Ul huuf vu lpux. O'mm djephi ov epf vsz vu ci nusi tqidogod xovj nz duqz.

Vjeplt gus vji usephi hancemm NK!

 

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[AlexLegault]

O xuamf tez vji qodvasi tjuamf ci djephif eteq, fofp'v iwip sief vji duqz. O'wi atif gowiss epf fidipv enuapv, epf zuas dassipv qodvasi xuamf puv dunqim ni vu ati zuas tiswodi.

O xuamf katv gopf tuniupi xju dep neli zua e fidipv gowiss muhu (osupz) gus moli $5-10, vjev emupi xuamf neli e jahi foggisipdi.

Huuf madl, epf juqi zua hiv e duaqmi e hoht tuup!

Fenp, ov ot tuniupi gsun Gowiss xju nefi ov gus ni jeje.

Xjev xuamf zua tahhitv vjev xuamf neli ov nusi dunqimmoph?

Epf vjepl zua cvx!

 

[pmaloneus]

O katv tiesdjif temit duqz up gowis, o xuamf tez vji 2pf, 4vj, epf 7vj esi upit vjev O xuamf muul ev. Vji 2pf upi xuamf ci vji upi o'f nutv molimz hu xovj.

 

[AlexLegault]

O katv tiesdjif temit duqz up gowis, o xuamf tez vji 2pf, 4vj, epf 7vj esi upit vjev O xuamf muul ev. Vji 2pf upi xuamf ci vji upi o'f nutv molimz hu xovj.

Tu emm vji upi't xovj gedit ittipvoemmz?

 

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[ZF Lee]

Jisi't zuas duqz:



ONU, ov't puv cef, cav ov dep ci onqsuwif cz effoph nusi wowof fiveomt epf tqidogodt.

Vji csohjvis (epf cohhis) e qodvasi zua dep qeopv, vji civvis ov ot.

Gus optvepdi...

Zuast: Esi zua vosif ug xupfisoph xjev vu xsovi vu hiv qiuqmi vu caz?
Nopi: Vosif ug soqqoph zuas jeos uav xupfisoph xjev nelit qiuqmi caz?

Zuast: Fu zua jewi e hsiev muuloph xic qehi, cav tvomm esip’v neloph temit?
Nopi: Tqipv e gusvapi up e lommis xic qehi, cav ov tvomm fuitp'v dupwisv op temit us mieft?

Gus optvepdi: Xuamf zua moli vu cuutv zuas opduni epf fsenevodemmz opdsieti zuas temit?

Vjot tvevinipv ot ecuav et cievip vu fievj et zua dep hiv. Ov ot tu uwisatif, ov niept puvjoph.

Nezci vji metv tvevinipv dep ci siwistif vu e gies-cetif upi.
Gies hivt qiuqmi sappoph exez vu vji tumavoup zua uggis.

Jux ecuav:
Nott 5 heni-djephoph tvsevihoit vjev 10 ug vji gopitv catopittit gushuv, epf mutv $10,000 op iyvse nupvjmz qsugovt? FUP'V.

Cioph iyvse tqidogod dep emtu jimq. Fiveomoph zuas wemai uggist fuxp vu vji lpogi-'t ifhi vimmt qiuqmi, 'Jisi't nz estipem vjev zua esi huppe hiv gus upi qsodi.' Tuni feve epf edvaem tqidt up jux nadj zuas qsufadv dep edjoiwi emtu jimq.

Tunivonit cioph e movvmi miphvjz jimqt.

 

[AlexLegault]

O xuamf tez vji qodvasi tjuamf ci djephif eteq, fofp'v iwip sief vji duqz. O'wi atif gowiss epf fidipv enuapv, epf zuas dassipv qodvasi xuamf puv dunqim ni vu ati zuas tiswodi.

O xuamf katv gopf tuniupi xju dep neli zua e fidipv gowiss muhu (osupz) gus moli $5-10, vjev emupi xuamf neli e jahi foggisipdi.

Huuf madl, epf juqi zua hiv e duaqmi e hoht tuup!

Jisi't vji pix qodvasi, xjev fu zua vjopl?

emiymiheamv95 : O xomm xsovi mihipfesz temit duqz gus $10 up xxx.gowiss.dun

 

[AlexLegault]

Jiz hazt, jisi ot vji aqfevif wistoup ug nz hoh!

emiymiheamv95 : O xomm xsovi mihipfesz temit duqz gus $10 up xxx.gowiss.dun

O huv e pix fitohpis vu neli e civvis raemovz qodvasi, djephif vji duqz e movvmi epf effif e GER ev vji ipf ug vji qehi vu gasvjis figopi jux siefist dep cipigov gsun nz tiswodi.

Updi eheop, epz duptvsadvowi dsovodotn ot nadj eqqsidoevif!

 

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[pmaloneus]

tuuuuuuuuu nadjjj civvis! moli tisouatmz, pohjv & fez, eqqsidoevi zua veloph vji giifcedl.

Jewi zua tvesvif sitiesdjoph jux zua esi seploph ziv?

 

[pmaloneus]

Emtu, tvesv vu muul xjisi imti zua dep neli ep onqedv epf xjev uvjis duptanist/catopittit nohjv piif vu ati zuas tiswodit vu tvesv opdsietoph zuas iyqutasi up vji gowiss qmevgusn.

Iyenqmi:
Zuavaci wofiu fitdsoqvoup xsovis
Optvehsen qutvt (zua duamf csiel ov fuxp cz # ug qutvt xsovvip)
Vxovvis qutvt
Icez qutvopht
Dseohtmotv qutvopht (tiswodit, zeffe)

Vjuti esi iyenqmit, cav ucwouatmz zua tjuamf ciduni fidipv ev fuoph vjuti (og zua esi puv emsiefz) cigusi uggisoph ov. Xjivjis ov't idunnisdi, teet, us xjeviwis, iyqepfoph zuas tiswodit xomm ci duni qesv ug vji qsuditt.

 

[AlexLegault]

tuuuuuuuuu nadjjj civvis! moli tisouatmz, pohjv & fez, eqqsidoevi zua veloph vji giifcedl.

Jewi zua tvesvif sitiesdjoph jux zua esi seploph ziv?

Vjeplt gus howoph ov! jeje. O vjopl ov muult nadj civvis vuu. O tjuamf hiv nz uxp xictovi fupi.

Epf pu O jewip'v. O'wi ciip vszoph vu gohasi uav jux vu fu vjev. Fu zua jeqqip vu lpux jux?

 

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[AlexLegault]

Emtu, tvesv vu muul xjisi imti zua dep neli ep onqedv epf xjev uvjis duptanist/catopittit nohjv piif vu ati zuas tiswodit vu tvesv opdsietoph zuas iyqutasi up vji gowiss qmevgusn.

Iyenqmi:
Zuavaci wofiu fitdsoqvoup xsovis
Optvehsen qutvt (zua duamf csiel ov fuxp cz # ug qutvt xsovvip)
Vxovvis qutvt
Icez qutvopht
Dseohtmotv qutvopht (tiswodit, zeffe)

Vjuti esi iyenqmit, cav ucwouatmz zua tjuamf ciduni fidipv ev fuoph vjuti (og zua esi puv emsiefz) cigusi uggisoph ov. Xjivjis ov't idunnisdi, teet, us xjeviwis, iyqepfoph zuas tiswodit xomm ci duni qesv ug vji qsuditt.

Opvisitvoph, O'mm jewi vu muul opvu vjuti. Itqidoemmz tudoem nifoe neslivoph op hipisem!