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I took a deep look at myself and realized that all my "problems" ultimately stem from me just being a little Bitch. I can cry and whine about trauma and my past as well as my schizoid ADHD avoidant personality all day long, visit therapists and whatnot but at the end of the day I need to get out of my constant thought rumination and make an effort to improve my pathetic excuse of an existence which I call a "life".
I've been living in a constant cycle of self sabotage and stagnation, underachieving while wasting my time watching YouTube videos and basically just trying to fry my brain and emotions in order to kill time and make me numb while whining about my situation and as much as I hate to admit it, its a HIGHLY addicting coping mechanism.
I seem to be unable to break out of my ever recursive thinking patterns, which are not only "not good", but straight harmful at this point. Its a vicious cycle. I feel like I lack or rather don't trust myself in having the required self agency in order to escape my own brain and maladaptive behaviors. I am not an authority for myself. I live a live of hope/desperation, where "success" is always just one step away, just slightly out of reach, just a little beyond my current horizon if I just find the right opportunity/meet the right person. But it has been like this for years and I don't think I will find the answers I look for unless I take action.
I'm so much in my own head and my own obsessions, I cant even really take part in life because my entire world more or less always revolves around me. I'm not narcissistic (ok maybe a bit), I'm just so insecure that I don't have time to do anything besides analyzing every bit of my own behavior in order to do what I think I should do it that moment. I behave exactly like my parents, always confirmative when in realty its exactly what I desire to NOT do. I never really tried at anything in my life [Except League of Legends 8)
I have done nothing for the past 3 years to improve my financial nor personal situation. But I think I'm at a breaking point here. I have to change myself now or I will not ever be able to recover, let alone live with the regret and guilt of wasting my life THIS hard despite, at least technically speaking, having all the opportunities available to live a more fulfilled life. I don't want to end up like my relatives.
They are all well of but my brain wiring isn't normal I think, I'm not neurotypical enough to enjoy a life they live. I need something that keeps me on edge or I merge into my own fantasy world (precisely what is happening currently) where I can get the stimulation I so deeply desire.
IM NOT LAZY or "unmotivated" (well, or am I maybe?.. or am I just missing crucial life experience from isolating and detaching myself for the last 8 + years). My Issue is different I believe but I just cannot figure out or pinpoint what it exactly is that holds me back. I'm pretty sure that the "9-5 family and house + laid back life and vacation 2 times a year" type of life isn't for me, working with minimal effort for/on something I don't care about for 45+ years. Not because I believe in my own superiority (just lol) but because I believe that just would not be fulfilling for me.
If I keep up my current path and way of "life" it is however exactly where I will end up (besides the family or social circle lol). Always trying to work less and live a "relaxed" laid back style of life while enjoying your free time sounds good to most but leaves me with a lack of purpose.
I need recourses while I'm young to do all the (mentally ill) stuff that I want to do but time is slipping away and I start to get a anxious about it since I haven't even started really going anywhere, my sleep quality is detreating because of this constant worrying. I know how ridiculous that sounds, like a pubescent teenager dreaming of his uniqueness but I'm out of my puer aternus phase, not utterly delusional anymore. I just notice that my idea of life doesn't overlap with how I'm currently living or how the people around me live.
I think this is my biggest issue, I never really engaged with life, never got out of my learned helplessness and took action, just mindlessly floating through life in my comfort zone, letting my parents dictate what I do and where I end up. Not just because my parents are manipulative and overprotective, I also simply never did anything out of my own drive. But what could I do, I had no time to develop any ambitions or a connection to my own emotions during that time, to f*cked up from all the retards in my life treating me like shit, actively making sure to rub it under my nose that I'm under them, literally genetically inferior. I was an extreme late bloomer. I couldn't defend myself AT ALL, now I seem to be permanently F*cked.
Because of my inaction my parents HAD to take matters somewhat in their own hands. I feel like isolating myself helped me to cope with all the shit I endured early on in my life but I missed out on so many crucial life experiences that I now I'm stuck in my own head and rut. No friends, no connections, also not really an idea how to change it ngl.
I'm still relatively young, don't really have responsibilities atm so in theory I am pretty much free to whatever I choose to do with my life. But I cant get myself to start because I just do not understand how to "engage", become proactive in this big game called life. I don't understand my own strengths or weaknesses, let alone my true "needs" emotions or wants. I definitely do know that I'm capable of more than rotting away in my own bedroom but that isn't to hard, is it. I see others, who have goals go out and get there, for me this is legit incomprehensible how they do it. It seems SO far away for me, I'm SO far from a reality where this ever going to be happen.
How do I stop this victim mindset asap,... I'm 24 and earn 900 a month in a job/ education (Germany btw, not 3 world country while living with my parents lol) that I don't care about. Not only doesn't it challenge me but on top of that it actively restricts me from committing to something that could actually provide value for me in the long run. I spend so much time rotting doing nothing and dissociating that I can BASICALLY FEEL MY BRAIN slowly deteriorating. I'm more or less to lazy to think at this stage. Literally to lazy to think or actively engage in my thoughts and it has been like this since I was around 16.
I don't want to end up overweight at 40 working in an administrate job and spending my free time watching football or drinking beer. Parties and overconsumption and Hedonism are not what I desire which is ironic because isn't this lifestyle EXACLTY what I'm currently doing myself but in an even WORSE, more self destroying way then the people around me who are practicing it. What a terrible, laughable Irony.
Why tf can I not get myself to do something, I have so much excess energy but I just cant find a meaningful way to release it or put it to work and so I just see day after day pass by but I'm like in a trance like state, which I seem to be unable to break out of.
I don't even want advice tbh because nobody can help me anyways, its just another pathetic try to find company in my own misery, faking progress by asking for help is what I've done for the last whole year and what do I have to show for it? NOHTING.
End of rant, I just have none else to talk to tbh, let alone anyone who supports or understands me, so I decided to vent here. Guess I can identify with some of the core Ideas of the people who are active in this forum even tho I'm soo far away from their reality of life. Similar personality types and like minded people aren't rare to find in the internet, but the communities which you find once you dig aren't exactly constructive or conducive for you mental state most of the times
.
I suppressed myself for 24 years, I just had to give in to my own emotions for once now and let it out lol.
I've been living in a constant cycle of self sabotage and stagnation, underachieving while wasting my time watching YouTube videos and basically just trying to fry my brain and emotions in order to kill time and make me numb while whining about my situation and as much as I hate to admit it, its a HIGHLY addicting coping mechanism.
I seem to be unable to break out of my ever recursive thinking patterns, which are not only "not good", but straight harmful at this point. Its a vicious cycle. I feel like I lack or rather don't trust myself in having the required self agency in order to escape my own brain and maladaptive behaviors. I am not an authority for myself. I live a live of hope/desperation, where "success" is always just one step away, just slightly out of reach, just a little beyond my current horizon if I just find the right opportunity/meet the right person. But it has been like this for years and I don't think I will find the answers I look for unless I take action.
I'm so much in my own head and my own obsessions, I cant even really take part in life because my entire world more or less always revolves around me. I'm not narcissistic (ok maybe a bit), I'm just so insecure that I don't have time to do anything besides analyzing every bit of my own behavior in order to do what I think I should do it that moment. I behave exactly like my parents, always confirmative when in realty its exactly what I desire to NOT do. I never really tried at anything in my life [Except League of Legends 8)
I have done nothing for the past 3 years to improve my financial nor personal situation. But I think I'm at a breaking point here. I have to change myself now or I will not ever be able to recover, let alone live with the regret and guilt of wasting my life THIS hard despite, at least technically speaking, having all the opportunities available to live a more fulfilled life. I don't want to end up like my relatives.
They are all well of but my brain wiring isn't normal I think, I'm not neurotypical enough to enjoy a life they live. I need something that keeps me on edge or I merge into my own fantasy world (precisely what is happening currently) where I can get the stimulation I so deeply desire.
IM NOT LAZY or "unmotivated" (well, or am I maybe?.. or am I just missing crucial life experience from isolating and detaching myself for the last 8 + years). My Issue is different I believe but I just cannot figure out or pinpoint what it exactly is that holds me back. I'm pretty sure that the "9-5 family and house + laid back life and vacation 2 times a year" type of life isn't for me, working with minimal effort for/on something I don't care about for 45+ years. Not because I believe in my own superiority (just lol) but because I believe that just would not be fulfilling for me.
If I keep up my current path and way of "life" it is however exactly where I will end up (besides the family or social circle lol). Always trying to work less and live a "relaxed" laid back style of life while enjoying your free time sounds good to most but leaves me with a lack of purpose.
I need recourses while I'm young to do all the (mentally ill) stuff that I want to do but time is slipping away and I start to get a anxious about it since I haven't even started really going anywhere, my sleep quality is detreating because of this constant worrying. I know how ridiculous that sounds, like a pubescent teenager dreaming of his uniqueness but I'm out of my puer aternus phase, not utterly delusional anymore. I just notice that my idea of life doesn't overlap with how I'm currently living or how the people around me live.
I think this is my biggest issue, I never really engaged with life, never got out of my learned helplessness and took action, just mindlessly floating through life in my comfort zone, letting my parents dictate what I do and where I end up. Not just because my parents are manipulative and overprotective, I also simply never did anything out of my own drive. But what could I do, I had no time to develop any ambitions or a connection to my own emotions during that time, to f*cked up from all the retards in my life treating me like shit, actively making sure to rub it under my nose that I'm under them, literally genetically inferior. I was an extreme late bloomer. I couldn't defend myself AT ALL, now I seem to be permanently F*cked.
Because of my inaction my parents HAD to take matters somewhat in their own hands. I feel like isolating myself helped me to cope with all the shit I endured early on in my life but I missed out on so many crucial life experiences that I now I'm stuck in my own head and rut. No friends, no connections, also not really an idea how to change it ngl.
I'm still relatively young, don't really have responsibilities atm so in theory I am pretty much free to whatever I choose to do with my life. But I cant get myself to start because I just do not understand how to "engage", become proactive in this big game called life. I don't understand my own strengths or weaknesses, let alone my true "needs" emotions or wants. I definitely do know that I'm capable of more than rotting away in my own bedroom but that isn't to hard, is it. I see others, who have goals go out and get there, for me this is legit incomprehensible how they do it. It seems SO far away for me, I'm SO far from a reality where this ever going to be happen.
How do I stop this victim mindset asap,... I'm 24 and earn 900 a month in a job/ education (Germany btw, not 3 world country while living with my parents lol) that I don't care about. Not only doesn't it challenge me but on top of that it actively restricts me from committing to something that could actually provide value for me in the long run. I spend so much time rotting doing nothing and dissociating that I can BASICALLY FEEL MY BRAIN slowly deteriorating. I'm more or less to lazy to think at this stage. Literally to lazy to think or actively engage in my thoughts and it has been like this since I was around 16.
I don't want to end up overweight at 40 working in an administrate job and spending my free time watching football or drinking beer. Parties and overconsumption and Hedonism are not what I desire which is ironic because isn't this lifestyle EXACLTY what I'm currently doing myself but in an even WORSE, more self destroying way then the people around me who are practicing it. What a terrible, laughable Irony.
Why tf can I not get myself to do something, I have so much excess energy but I just cant find a meaningful way to release it or put it to work and so I just see day after day pass by but I'm like in a trance like state, which I seem to be unable to break out of.
I don't even want advice tbh because nobody can help me anyways, its just another pathetic try to find company in my own misery, faking progress by asking for help is what I've done for the last whole year and what do I have to show for it? NOHTING.
End of rant, I just have none else to talk to tbh, let alone anyone who supports or understands me, so I decided to vent here. Guess I can identify with some of the core Ideas of the people who are active in this forum even tho I'm soo far away from their reality of life. Similar personality types and like minded people aren't rare to find in the internet, but the communities which you find once you dig aren't exactly constructive or conducive for you mental state most of the times
.I suppressed myself for 24 years, I just had to give in to my own emotions for once now and let it out lol.
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