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I've read both books by MJ DeMarco for a while. However, because I am in a PhD program, the sunken cost was huge (at least in my mind) and I was reluctant to take any initiative to exit.
Not meant to be ranting, but I feel like I am a poster child of SCRIPTED living, especially on the education side (getting one degree after another). Just wanted to show how SCRIPTED living has made my life what it is today. About a week ago, I had my FTM. I felt this was it, and I will not tolerate the system anymore or force myself to be compliant.
I am in a field that is under the umbrella of medicine/health (sounds noble with the aim of "helping" vulnerable populations etc., but not in actual clinical practice so there is much less market demand). After graduating college, I got a master's degree, and then no job. At that time I was still "hopeful" and wanted to get a temporary research job so I can then get into a PhD program and be a professor (I know, naive, in academia it is all about who you know---VERY IMPORTANT to be really connected to big shots and also making sure they are willing to recommend you etc., and if you are able to get money from grants, and how many publications you have on your CV). I applied to many, especially the jobs around my school, and got various unfriendly responses. I'll give a couple examples. One time I was volunteering as a research assistant, and wasn't feeling well one day so called in sick. The supervisor emailed me back saying that my attitude was not right, by calling in sick. That was funny, since I was not paid anything, plus they didn't even teach me anything, just used me as free labor. They must have assumed that the free labor has to be happy and all joyful because there is no job guaranteed so better "win people over"? Another time I wanted to work for a professor, but she insisted that I didn't take her class so I was not prepared for her job, and she was not willing to train students because it would take too long. My master's degree was essentially useless. Oh, and then I never got into the PhD program in my master's school (after applying twice). But the alumni relations people do a very diligent job of tracking me down and asking for donations. After running out of luck, I had to go back to my home country (I am an international student studying in the U.S.) and work a menial research assistant job that paid peanuts and had no future prospects, which I left after 9 months and got into my current PhD program.
So at this current PhD program, I got my full dose of how dysfunctional and fragmented modern day academia is. Students are essentially a disenfranchised group (plus my international status, so feeling more pushed aside and ignored). My program is interdisciplinary (read: no actual department and has to rely on other departments for money by paying students less and doing work that has nothing to do with their research interests), and my work experience has been chaotic at the best. Initially I was assigned (yup, no freedom to choose or do rotations since we don't even have an actual department!) to a senior professor in another department that is more distant from my research interests, and I worked for him for three years (the assistant professor in the team left after two years so I worked for another assistant professor), and then he retired and didn't care TF about where I would be going (in one summer he prevented me from going to an internship since he had some work for me, but actually that summer was as slow as F). And this arrangement is good according to my program, because skills are "transferrable" so content area doesn't matter. After three years I lost funding and it was really stressful when I sought another assistantship around the campus. My program didn't care either, since they said in the student handbook "funding after two years is not guaranteed". However, while American students had some opportunities from the public sector/government, for us it would be nothing if the school doesn't help. Also I am required to attend some federally funded trainee meetings even if I can never be a trainee due to citizenship status, and had to serve on student government and association positions even if I had no interest in those, just because my program is small and everybody has to take on some role. Anyway, I asked for at least 4 RA jobs and were either declined (for one of them I went through 4 rounds of interviews!) or never heard back. In the end my current boss emailed my program coordinator so I at least got some money in the end. It was a one-year contract, but after a few days I was told the contract was reduced to less than a year, since my boss didn't know about money prospects in the following year. It has been the most unhappy year because my husband also moved to another state last summer, and I worked alone, trying to make my dissertation work (another cobweb of distinctive academic politics), so I decided to leave my job on campus after the contract expires and move to where my husband lives. Last week I was told, that I have to pay double my tuition since I am international (out of state status) and my health insurance will be terminated. That was when my FTM occurred.
I haven't realized so deeply how important money is, not in the sense that I can squander on fancy sports cars (won't judge if that's your goal), but my health (both physical and mental) and personal life have taken the toll. In the past few years, I had no time and no luck for friends because I was constantly stressed, and was also forced to separate from my husband a couple times for work or "career", and had developed chronic digestive issues. I just wanted to say that living the SCRIPTED life and having "hope" and think "time" would take care of it all is dangerous. It will not get better, only worse. And if you don't take control, what you already have is also going to be taken away.
So here I am, ready to start a fresh chapter in my life. I am humbled by my experience and I hope to learn from all of you.
Thank you.
*Edit: I read the book a while ago and in this post I thought about FTE but wrote FTM. Anyway my words wouldn't count either way, will see how my execution goes.*
Not meant to be ranting, but I feel like I am a poster child of SCRIPTED living, especially on the education side (getting one degree after another). Just wanted to show how SCRIPTED living has made my life what it is today. About a week ago, I had my FTM. I felt this was it, and I will not tolerate the system anymore or force myself to be compliant.
I am in a field that is under the umbrella of medicine/health (sounds noble with the aim of "helping" vulnerable populations etc., but not in actual clinical practice so there is much less market demand). After graduating college, I got a master's degree, and then no job. At that time I was still "hopeful" and wanted to get a temporary research job so I can then get into a PhD program and be a professor (I know, naive, in academia it is all about who you know---VERY IMPORTANT to be really connected to big shots and also making sure they are willing to recommend you etc., and if you are able to get money from grants, and how many publications you have on your CV). I applied to many, especially the jobs around my school, and got various unfriendly responses. I'll give a couple examples. One time I was volunteering as a research assistant, and wasn't feeling well one day so called in sick. The supervisor emailed me back saying that my attitude was not right, by calling in sick. That was funny, since I was not paid anything, plus they didn't even teach me anything, just used me as free labor. They must have assumed that the free labor has to be happy and all joyful because there is no job guaranteed so better "win people over"? Another time I wanted to work for a professor, but she insisted that I didn't take her class so I was not prepared for her job, and she was not willing to train students because it would take too long. My master's degree was essentially useless. Oh, and then I never got into the PhD program in my master's school (after applying twice). But the alumni relations people do a very diligent job of tracking me down and asking for donations. After running out of luck, I had to go back to my home country (I am an international student studying in the U.S.) and work a menial research assistant job that paid peanuts and had no future prospects, which I left after 9 months and got into my current PhD program.
So at this current PhD program, I got my full dose of how dysfunctional and fragmented modern day academia is. Students are essentially a disenfranchised group (plus my international status, so feeling more pushed aside and ignored). My program is interdisciplinary (read: no actual department and has to rely on other departments for money by paying students less and doing work that has nothing to do with their research interests), and my work experience has been chaotic at the best. Initially I was assigned (yup, no freedom to choose or do rotations since we don't even have an actual department!) to a senior professor in another department that is more distant from my research interests, and I worked for him for three years (the assistant professor in the team left after two years so I worked for another assistant professor), and then he retired and didn't care TF about where I would be going (in one summer he prevented me from going to an internship since he had some work for me, but actually that summer was as slow as F). And this arrangement is good according to my program, because skills are "transferrable" so content area doesn't matter. After three years I lost funding and it was really stressful when I sought another assistantship around the campus. My program didn't care either, since they said in the student handbook "funding after two years is not guaranteed". However, while American students had some opportunities from the public sector/government, for us it would be nothing if the school doesn't help. Also I am required to attend some federally funded trainee meetings even if I can never be a trainee due to citizenship status, and had to serve on student government and association positions even if I had no interest in those, just because my program is small and everybody has to take on some role. Anyway, I asked for at least 4 RA jobs and were either declined (for one of them I went through 4 rounds of interviews!) or never heard back. In the end my current boss emailed my program coordinator so I at least got some money in the end. It was a one-year contract, but after a few days I was told the contract was reduced to less than a year, since my boss didn't know about money prospects in the following year. It has been the most unhappy year because my husband also moved to another state last summer, and I worked alone, trying to make my dissertation work (another cobweb of distinctive academic politics), so I decided to leave my job on campus after the contract expires and move to where my husband lives. Last week I was told, that I have to pay double my tuition since I am international (out of state status) and my health insurance will be terminated. That was when my FTM occurred.
I haven't realized so deeply how important money is, not in the sense that I can squander on fancy sports cars (won't judge if that's your goal), but my health (both physical and mental) and personal life have taken the toll. In the past few years, I had no time and no luck for friends because I was constantly stressed, and was also forced to separate from my husband a couple times for work or "career", and had developed chronic digestive issues. I just wanted to say that living the SCRIPTED life and having "hope" and think "time" would take care of it all is dangerous. It will not get better, only worse. And if you don't take control, what you already have is also going to be taken away.
So here I am, ready to start a fresh chapter in my life. I am humbled by my experience and I hope to learn from all of you.
Thank you.
*Edit: I read the book a while ago and in this post I thought about FTE but wrote FTM. Anyway my words wouldn't count either way, will see how my execution goes.*
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