I woke up half in the night and I started writing this post very early in the morning. I’m in some sort of ‘crisis’ and I ‘should’ be panicking right now, but I’m actually feeling a bit lightheaded. I don’t deserve your reply, because I haven’t taken any visible action yet, to follow my entrepreneurial dream. But this day might become my point of no return. Well… it has to become it. I just have no other options left. It’s very simple. It’s not even a decision anymore.
I’m finding myself in this loop of repeating history, and although it’s very tempting to react to the same circumstances in the same way all over again, I’m at a point right now that I’m so desperate, that I might as well let go of all this conditioned reactions that give me nothing more than a false sense of power. I’m a lawyer. I can make a case and I can plead a case. But what can I really do, when all that I have to offer, just doesn’t get accepted in the firm (correction: ‘firms’; cf. repeating history) that I work for? Do I make a defense, all over again, and invest all my energy in this, all over again? Or do I finally make my escape from this matrix? Let me see. I’m at the age of forty-one... Counting lifetimes now… Oops, it says: 1. I guess the answer has to be yes.
The last few months I have spent all my free time (apart from doing overtime for my boss) at trying to find ways to get out of my mindset of perfectionism, which is nothing less than a form of internalized slavery. As long as I’m in that mode, there’s really nothing that I can do as an entrepreneur. I wouldn’t even know how to begin. Too scared to fail, too scared to even think about not pleasing others. I’m very grateful, not only to the Fastlane books and other books that inspire me to get out of this, but also for this repeating history that I’m complaining about in this post. It’s a repeating lesson that’s hitting my head every time and it has pushed me to make some undeniable progress over the years… but now it’s time for exams.
I’ve been notified by my boss that after my leave (which is actually sick leave because I took the leave out of exhaustion, my nerves cry for rest) he and his boss will have a chat with me, because they are very disappointed in my results. I will have to improve, or otherwise it’s not going to work. The chat will take place on Monday 4th or Tuesday 5th November. I can fill my head now with all my defense against it and believe me: I have so much to say in my defense.
In short: I’m delivering quality, because that’s the way I’m wired. But with far too little staff to maintain that quality, guess who’s the black sheep? The one who still tries to deliver quality, no matter what. In the end, it’s too confronting for the bosses who are also just people trapped in this matrix, and they are also very easily helped by people who feel threatened by my work, to spread negative rumors about ‘too detailed work’ and thus ‘inefficiency’. That’s an argument that can serve as a passe-partout to kill anything that’s done right. All it takes, for the bosses, is some lack of specialist knowledge + finally, when they are confronted with too much negative rumors over longer periods of time, some willingness to believe the critique.
But really, when you really look at it: what it all means, is that the person who tries too hard… gets the critique that he tries too hard. All in all, it’s fair. I’m using my abilities the wrong way. I’m always proving myself. I have to stop that. It creates allergic reactions with coworkers and bosses. I have, damned!!!!, so much talent, but what do I do? I throw it in the face of people who can’t manage that. I cause problems, instead of solving them. I have to get out of my own way, do something under my own responsibility, and stop blaming others.
So what? So my boss apparently has chosen to forget that, for example, although I have no training whatsoever in this area, I have created an ‘algorithm’ (I didn’t even know what an ‘algorithm’ was at that time), just by playing with possible solutions, whilst standing in a crowded, full train, writing on a paper against the wall of the corridor. It’s nothing much. But it’s a small set of instructions that solves a problem that apparently didn’t get solved by the technical department for five years now. A problem that was already known long before my arrival in the firm. There are errors in the app for calculating the legal notice period (getting the irony?). Now, for the kind of firm that I work for, the calculation of the notice period is one of the most crucial, CORE tasks and legal responsibilities the firm has towards its clients, entrepreneurs. Faults in calculation can lead to serious damage claims. As by wonder, there are none as yet, at least, not at a judicial stage.
After I explained my proposal of solution – explained it in a very nervous way, frightened to get another critique of my boss that I had wrongly invested my time, I mean, this wasn’t even my area of expertise! - the responsible technical director was very quiet, he immediately left the meeting room, by saying: “OK, now we know what to do.” When I proposed to e-mail the solution to him, he answered very swiftly: ‘No, that’s not necessary!” He just took a photograph of the blackboard and made himself disappear. My boss who was also was present in the meeting, was baffled. He was very proud of me. Now, almost half a year later, the technical director still hasn’t implemented the solution in the app. He says he has found a better way, but he still hasn’t found the time to explain it to his staff. It’s the same director that’s blocking all my other joint projects now, with endless and senseless critique or refusal to respond to my e-mails with questions. And now, almost half a year later, my boss blames me for not having good results with these projects. My boss, he has a very hard time, with too little staff in his department, with people leaving all the time (who wouldn’t?) and with people going on long sick leave for burnout (I mean not me, but other colleagues. I’m just getting fired up J, with just a little hick up right now, because I’m tired and I have spasms in my face, my left hand and leg, from too much built-up stress).
So, what are my options?
1. Fill the coming days with making a defense dossier for my bosses, preparing my plea, not resting at all, exhausting myself in defense;
2. Trying to find another job where history can repeat itself, and not resting at all, exhausting myself in trying to sell myself once more;
3. Resting, energizing myself with physical exercise, reviewing my way of looking at things, do some introspection, let it all go and wait for inspiration to come;
4. Complaining on a beautiful forum like this, hoping for help in some way, but if I'm honest: I'm not yet with the big league, the people who are doing it. I'll first have to earn credits to get help;
5. Take action for long term solution: my own business, although I have no clue what this will be exactly
6. Trying to seek for a healthy combination of the above mentioned?
I’ll let you know what has become of the following days. The few things that I already decided on are these:
- I will NOT let my mind get clouded once again with endless angry defense thoughts, walking around like a zombie, and getting nothing done. I will take the necessary physical exercise and do whatever it takes to stay out of this numbing state of victimhood.
- I will look at long time solutions. I already took books out of the library, but never read them, on coding. Today is a good day to start. I’m certainly not a math wonder, I have more talent for linguistics, BUT I have a set of brains, and I have curiosity and passion for creative solutions to problems, and I have the determination to learn what is necessary to create solutions that can be duplicated!
- I will not invest too much time in looking for repeating history (looking for another job) although I might as well have to get one in the end to support myself. But as long as I’m not sure that I will be laid off, I think that I better invest my time on long term solutions.
- no more working overtime for my boss, no more weekends filled with study for my job, no more stress, letting it all go, so I can spare energy for my own studies, for my own business. I thought that I was being smart, working away, thinking that I was creating a basis of trust, so that in a year or so, I could stop doing overtime because I would have created enough expertise in the fields that I’m responsible for. But I have to finally admit that I can’t control this thing called job. Because I am not born to have jobs. I’m born to create independently.
- trying to get help and contacts - please? - because I have no clue. Hence this post.
Any comment is very welcome.
Ilse
PS if I wrote this on the wrong forum, please correct. I'm new to this. Thank you!
PS 2 I'm aware that I'm not much of a help, more of a help seeker right now. But be sure that I will do my share when the time comes.
I’m finding myself in this loop of repeating history, and although it’s very tempting to react to the same circumstances in the same way all over again, I’m at a point right now that I’m so desperate, that I might as well let go of all this conditioned reactions that give me nothing more than a false sense of power. I’m a lawyer. I can make a case and I can plead a case. But what can I really do, when all that I have to offer, just doesn’t get accepted in the firm (correction: ‘firms’; cf. repeating history) that I work for? Do I make a defense, all over again, and invest all my energy in this, all over again? Or do I finally make my escape from this matrix? Let me see. I’m at the age of forty-one... Counting lifetimes now… Oops, it says: 1. I guess the answer has to be yes.
The last few months I have spent all my free time (apart from doing overtime for my boss) at trying to find ways to get out of my mindset of perfectionism, which is nothing less than a form of internalized slavery. As long as I’m in that mode, there’s really nothing that I can do as an entrepreneur. I wouldn’t even know how to begin. Too scared to fail, too scared to even think about not pleasing others. I’m very grateful, not only to the Fastlane books and other books that inspire me to get out of this, but also for this repeating history that I’m complaining about in this post. It’s a repeating lesson that’s hitting my head every time and it has pushed me to make some undeniable progress over the years… but now it’s time for exams.
I’ve been notified by my boss that after my leave (which is actually sick leave because I took the leave out of exhaustion, my nerves cry for rest) he and his boss will have a chat with me, because they are very disappointed in my results. I will have to improve, or otherwise it’s not going to work. The chat will take place on Monday 4th or Tuesday 5th November. I can fill my head now with all my defense against it and believe me: I have so much to say in my defense.
In short: I’m delivering quality, because that’s the way I’m wired. But with far too little staff to maintain that quality, guess who’s the black sheep? The one who still tries to deliver quality, no matter what. In the end, it’s too confronting for the bosses who are also just people trapped in this matrix, and they are also very easily helped by people who feel threatened by my work, to spread negative rumors about ‘too detailed work’ and thus ‘inefficiency’. That’s an argument that can serve as a passe-partout to kill anything that’s done right. All it takes, for the bosses, is some lack of specialist knowledge + finally, when they are confronted with too much negative rumors over longer periods of time, some willingness to believe the critique.
But really, when you really look at it: what it all means, is that the person who tries too hard… gets the critique that he tries too hard. All in all, it’s fair. I’m using my abilities the wrong way. I’m always proving myself. I have to stop that. It creates allergic reactions with coworkers and bosses. I have, damned!!!!, so much talent, but what do I do? I throw it in the face of people who can’t manage that. I cause problems, instead of solving them. I have to get out of my own way, do something under my own responsibility, and stop blaming others.
So what? So my boss apparently has chosen to forget that, for example, although I have no training whatsoever in this area, I have created an ‘algorithm’ (I didn’t even know what an ‘algorithm’ was at that time), just by playing with possible solutions, whilst standing in a crowded, full train, writing on a paper against the wall of the corridor. It’s nothing much. But it’s a small set of instructions that solves a problem that apparently didn’t get solved by the technical department for five years now. A problem that was already known long before my arrival in the firm. There are errors in the app for calculating the legal notice period (getting the irony?). Now, for the kind of firm that I work for, the calculation of the notice period is one of the most crucial, CORE tasks and legal responsibilities the firm has towards its clients, entrepreneurs. Faults in calculation can lead to serious damage claims. As by wonder, there are none as yet, at least, not at a judicial stage.
After I explained my proposal of solution – explained it in a very nervous way, frightened to get another critique of my boss that I had wrongly invested my time, I mean, this wasn’t even my area of expertise! - the responsible technical director was very quiet, he immediately left the meeting room, by saying: “OK, now we know what to do.” When I proposed to e-mail the solution to him, he answered very swiftly: ‘No, that’s not necessary!” He just took a photograph of the blackboard and made himself disappear. My boss who was also was present in the meeting, was baffled. He was very proud of me. Now, almost half a year later, the technical director still hasn’t implemented the solution in the app. He says he has found a better way, but he still hasn’t found the time to explain it to his staff. It’s the same director that’s blocking all my other joint projects now, with endless and senseless critique or refusal to respond to my e-mails with questions. And now, almost half a year later, my boss blames me for not having good results with these projects. My boss, he has a very hard time, with too little staff in his department, with people leaving all the time (who wouldn’t?) and with people going on long sick leave for burnout (I mean not me, but other colleagues. I’m just getting fired up J, with just a little hick up right now, because I’m tired and I have spasms in my face, my left hand and leg, from too much built-up stress).
So, what are my options?
1. Fill the coming days with making a defense dossier for my bosses, preparing my plea, not resting at all, exhausting myself in defense;
2. Trying to find another job where history can repeat itself, and not resting at all, exhausting myself in trying to sell myself once more;
3. Resting, energizing myself with physical exercise, reviewing my way of looking at things, do some introspection, let it all go and wait for inspiration to come;
4. Complaining on a beautiful forum like this, hoping for help in some way, but if I'm honest: I'm not yet with the big league, the people who are doing it. I'll first have to earn credits to get help;
5. Take action for long term solution: my own business, although I have no clue what this will be exactly
6. Trying to seek for a healthy combination of the above mentioned?
I’ll let you know what has become of the following days. The few things that I already decided on are these:
- I will NOT let my mind get clouded once again with endless angry defense thoughts, walking around like a zombie, and getting nothing done. I will take the necessary physical exercise and do whatever it takes to stay out of this numbing state of victimhood.
- I will look at long time solutions. I already took books out of the library, but never read them, on coding. Today is a good day to start. I’m certainly not a math wonder, I have more talent for linguistics, BUT I have a set of brains, and I have curiosity and passion for creative solutions to problems, and I have the determination to learn what is necessary to create solutions that can be duplicated!
- I will not invest too much time in looking for repeating history (looking for another job) although I might as well have to get one in the end to support myself. But as long as I’m not sure that I will be laid off, I think that I better invest my time on long term solutions.
- no more working overtime for my boss, no more weekends filled with study for my job, no more stress, letting it all go, so I can spare energy for my own studies, for my own business. I thought that I was being smart, working away, thinking that I was creating a basis of trust, so that in a year or so, I could stop doing overtime because I would have created enough expertise in the fields that I’m responsible for. But I have to finally admit that I can’t control this thing called job. Because I am not born to have jobs. I’m born to create independently.
- trying to get help and contacts - please? - because I have no clue. Hence this post.
Any comment is very welcome.
Ilse
PS if I wrote this on the wrong forum, please correct. I'm new to this. Thank you!
PS 2 I'm aware that I'm not much of a help, more of a help seeker right now. But be sure that I will do my share when the time comes.
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