It has been a truly long time since I have been back on this forum and its awesome to be back finally! A lot has happened in the past many many months. From having no vision, goals, commitment, clarity or fundamental understanding of what I wanted to accomplish in my life, to now. Wow is all I have say, I cant express the way I'm feeling in this moment while I'm typing this. I've been meaning to type this out for a few days but didn't know how I was gonna go about doing it.
These past 4 months have been a crucial time for my development as an individual. I was in Canada helping out my brother-in-law and his brother with there hotel renovation for the past almost 4 months. Went to Canada in July for 2 weeks for a wedding and seeing family I haven't seen in the past 4 years, it was awesome to say the least. But in the midst of all this my brother-in-law gave me an opportunity to stay and help out.
At first I didn't want to do it, but then I realized it was an opportunity in more ways then one. Not only do I get to experience new things and learn new skills, but I also get to change myself. One of the main reasons I said yes in the first place was, there were a lot of habits and things in me I wanted to change. I honestly didn't understand myself as much as I would've liked. Not only that but, I could use the time away from my parents, because I had a lot of resentment and anger towards them, staying at home would've made it worse.
I was planning to stay for only 1 month, but that turned to 3-4 months
. Not only did Canada get me out of my comfort zone, but it pushed me in a way I can't even Imagine. It wasn't easy for me to stay as long as I did. I honestly had to push myself past my limitations many times while I was there. Hearing people tell you aren't good enough and you came here for nothing, you've learned nothing, you shouldn't have even came here, you can't get anything done right, effects you in a certain way. There was a moment about 2 months in, where I was so overwhelmed 
by all the bullshit my brother-in-law's brother was telling me I went into my room they gave me in there house and started to cry for like 5 mins. It was just too much for me to handle at the time. At times I was letting all that get into my head, but I was always reflected on the fundamental reason on why I said yes to begin with, and that was to change myself. I used that to push myself in moments where doubt, fear and uncertainty arose in my head. I went there for a reason and that wasn't going to change. Sometimes I really thought if this was all for nothing, but I knew I had a duty to uphold in myself 
.
This moment in the near end of November if I believe, was when I knew that I truly didn't come here for nothing. It was after almost all the work for the day was done and I hadn't ate for a long time. I was grumpy, tired and not in a mood to hear bullshit. So I was in the lobby just chilling, waiting on my brother-in-law's brother to get done. He started saying things and I tried to zone it out and not let it affect me. The pizza delivery person came and he said "you cant get anything F*cking done right" and that just set me off. I went to the breakfast room to get a plate for myself and I tried to cool off in there. I went back to the lobby, grabbed my pizza and went to the breakfast room to eat my pizza and I almost started to ball my eyes out, while I was eating. I almost couldn't handle it, but in this moment I became calm and analyzed what had happened one more time and I knew it wasn't really his fault for saying what he had said. He has a lot more on his plate to handle then me and I knew he didn't mean it. For me to cry wouldn't feel right, nothing wrong to cry, but it wouldn't have helped the situation anyways. So after this, I truly became calm and settled, didn't have to force myself to do anything, it just happened. Didn't realize this then of course, but it was a much better outcome then when this same thing happened before.
I came back from Canada on December 11th and I truly thought my parents were gonna bombard me questions like "So, whats next?", "What are your plans now?" but they didn't... not even once, I was quite surprised haha. Because I was feeling edgy as hell since I had gotten back.
So I finally reflected and analyzed who I was before all those months, to who I became and who I am now. And everything changed, my outlook, vision, who I was, everything. I had no resentment and anger towards my parents, my past didn't determine what I could or could not do anymore , I wasn't holding on to it and thinking about changing and doing things differently I was at peace with myself, and I finally knew what I had to do, move out. So obviously telling my parents was gonna be a hard task, because Indian parents truly want there children to be happy and be able to support themselves. And my dad had already had a plan for me which I knew about and I truly know I could do better then that, the life he wants for me is great, but I want better and I know I can do better.
So about 2 hours ago I went and sat down with my dad and talked with him about moving out to Houston, TX and stay with my cousin. He gave a talk on how I should go back to college and finish my degree (my gpa is way to low for me actually want to go back anyways and honestly i truly don't want to) or even run a convenient store with him and how he was a failure as a parent etc, etc. I kept telling him that I want to move and I would be able to prove myself and financially support for myself. So he asked me "How long do you need to prove yourself?", I said " One year", He asked "And what if you cannot in that one year?", I said "Then we will do it your way, then." It was obviously a deal. But with all the seriousness, we actually finally started to laugh and I got him to understand my side of the story, it truly felt good.
My mind is finally at peace and at ease. No negative thoughts or events are appearing in my head anymore telling me what I am and am not capable of. It truly feels like I am in control of my life and I wouldn't trade that for anything. If you can't prove to yourself what you are capable who can you prove it to? I'm not giving in without giving myself a fighting chance. Cheers, to 2016! A year for adventure, failure, and success! Houston, TX here I come
These past 4 months have been a crucial time for my development as an individual. I was in Canada helping out my brother-in-law and his brother with there hotel renovation for the past almost 4 months. Went to Canada in July for 2 weeks for a wedding and seeing family I haven't seen in the past 4 years, it was awesome to say the least. But in the midst of all this my brother-in-law gave me an opportunity to stay and help out.
At first I didn't want to do it, but then I realized it was an opportunity in more ways then one. Not only do I get to experience new things and learn new skills, but I also get to change myself. One of the main reasons I said yes in the first place was, there were a lot of habits and things in me I wanted to change. I honestly didn't understand myself as much as I would've liked. Not only that but, I could use the time away from my parents, because I had a lot of resentment and anger towards them, staying at home would've made it worse.
I was planning to stay for only 1 month, but that turned to 3-4 months
. Not only did Canada get me out of my comfort zone, but it pushed me in a way I can't even Imagine. It wasn't easy for me to stay as long as I did. I honestly had to push myself past my limitations many times while I was there. Hearing people tell you aren't good enough and you came here for nothing, you've learned nothing, you shouldn't have even came here, you can't get anything done right, effects you in a certain way. There was a moment about 2 months in, where I was so overwhelmed by all the bullshit my brother-in-law's brother was telling me I went into my room they gave me in there house and started to cry for like 5 mins. It was just too much for me to handle at the time. At times I was letting all that get into my head, but I was always reflected on the fundamental reason on why I said yes to begin with, and that was to change myself. I used that to push myself in moments where doubt, fear and uncertainty arose in my head. I went there for a reason and that wasn't going to change. Sometimes I really thought if this was all for nothing, but I knew I had a duty to uphold in myself .This moment in the near end of November if I believe, was when I knew that I truly didn't come here for nothing. It was after almost all the work for the day was done and I hadn't ate for a long time. I was grumpy, tired and not in a mood to hear bullshit. So I was in the lobby just chilling, waiting on my brother-in-law's brother to get done. He started saying things and I tried to zone it out and not let it affect me. The pizza delivery person came and he said "you cant get anything F*cking done right" and that just set me off. I went to the breakfast room to get a plate for myself and I tried to cool off in there. I went back to the lobby, grabbed my pizza and went to the breakfast room to eat my pizza and I almost started to ball my eyes out, while I was eating. I almost couldn't handle it, but in this moment I became calm and analyzed what had happened one more time and I knew it wasn't really his fault for saying what he had said. He has a lot more on his plate to handle then me and I knew he didn't mean it. For me to cry wouldn't feel right, nothing wrong to cry, but it wouldn't have helped the situation anyways. So after this, I truly became calm and settled, didn't have to force myself to do anything, it just happened. Didn't realize this then of course, but it was a much better outcome then when this same thing happened before.
I came back from Canada on December 11th and I truly thought my parents were gonna bombard me questions like "So, whats next?", "What are your plans now?" but they didn't... not even once, I was quite surprised haha. Because I was feeling edgy as hell since I had gotten back.
So I finally reflected and analyzed who I was before all those months, to who I became and who I am now. And everything changed, my outlook, vision, who I was, everything. I had no resentment and anger towards my parents, my past didn't determine what I could or could not do anymore , I wasn't holding on to it and thinking about changing and doing things differently I was at peace with myself, and I finally knew what I had to do, move out. So obviously telling my parents was gonna be a hard task, because Indian parents truly want there children to be happy and be able to support themselves. And my dad had already had a plan for me which I knew about and I truly know I could do better then that, the life he wants for me is great, but I want better and I know I can do better.
So about 2 hours ago I went and sat down with my dad and talked with him about moving out to Houston, TX and stay with my cousin. He gave a talk on how I should go back to college and finish my degree (my gpa is way to low for me actually want to go back anyways and honestly i truly don't want to) or even run a convenient store with him and how he was a failure as a parent etc, etc. I kept telling him that I want to move and I would be able to prove myself and financially support for myself. So he asked me "How long do you need to prove yourself?", I said " One year", He asked "And what if you cannot in that one year?", I said "Then we will do it your way, then." It was obviously a deal. But with all the seriousness, we actually finally started to laugh and I got him to understand my side of the story, it truly felt good.
My mind is finally at peace and at ease. No negative thoughts or events are appearing in my head anymore telling me what I am and am not capable of. It truly feels like I am in control of my life and I wouldn't trade that for anything. If you can't prove to yourself what you are capable who can you prove it to? I'm not giving in without giving myself a fighting chance. Cheers, to 2016! A year for adventure, failure, and success! Houston, TX here I come
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