Lex DeVille
Sweeping Shadows From Dreams
FASTLANE INSIDER
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Someone asked for a copy review. Thought we'd give it a shot. If you're learning copywriting, and you want my thoughts, reply. I'll write something up, and post it in this thread.
It's risky of course. You'll have to put yourself out there. But you'll get my feedback. Just don't send 4,000 word sales pages. I'll review within reason. Limit 1 piece per person. The first one is below:
Looks like cold emails. First let's address the 4 points:
This is a super simplified overview. For the most part they make sense. You're missing at least one point. We'll come back to that.
Also I don't know what subject you're using. The subject is important. People don't read what they don't open. We'll skip it for now.
Opener - Hey [ Name ],
The opener feels casual, almost like you're old friends. It feels personal, like you wrote it and pushed send. That's good.
Line 1 - I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.
The casual friendliness disappears here. Nothing tells me what this is about. Instead, you focused my attention on wasting my time. I'd stop reading here. You also started with "I" which proves this isn't about a me, but achieving a sale for you.
Line 2 - Is everything in your business going well?
The reader doesn't make it this far. If he did, he still doesn't know what you want. Now you ARE wasting his time. The question isn't specific, it's vague and leads to a closed response.
Line 3 - Do you have enough well-paying clients?
By this line you've made him read 3 lines of nothing. He doesn't know what you want or why you keep asking questions. Why should he keep reading? Now he's annoyed, thinking.. get to the point already, jeez. Also the word "well-paying" sounds salesy.
The alternate line is slightly better, but again, they didn't read that far.
Line 4 - I possibly could help you with that. Just hear me out.
Here you made it about yourself again. You're talking about what you want. You stated you don't know if you can help him or not (the word "possibly"). The words, "just hear me out" are too forceful. You haven't given them a reason to listen to you yet.
Call to Action - Do you have a few minutes to talk?
"No" is the response you won't get. They won't bother with a reply.
We'll stop there.
To make it better don't talk about wasting time. Get to the point faster. Address the problem as they describe it. Start with something other than "I." Make it about them. Only talk about yourself to show what makes you credible. Make your CTA a CTA. Give them an action like, "If interested, reply and we'll schedule a quick call."
Opener
This opener is too slow and boring. The one from the other email is better.
Line 1
Same problem as the other email.
Line 2
The words, "You have a great SEO" read funny. It should be "You have great SEO." The line is too long. The word "decent" implies their website isn't bad, but also isn't good. If they built it their self you might offend them. The whole sentence feels like template spam.
Line 3
It's unclear how you could help. Since the website is "decent" they don't need help anyway.
Call to Action
You can switch the line if you want. They won't call you. They're not operating on your schedule. You're interrupting theirs. You have to call them. And you have to do it when it's convenient for them.
Overall this suffers similar problems as the first email. It's not clear what problem you solve. No problem. No solution. No reason to read or respond.
@MikeS
Fix those issues and you'll have a better chance to get them on the phone.
It's risky of course. You'll have to put yourself out there. But you'll get my feedback. Just don't send 4,000 word sales pages. I'll review within reason. Limit 1 piece per person. The first one is below:
Hey Lex!
I am just starting out with my web design side hustle and I know you are great at writing copy. I was wondering if you could give me some feedback on my cold email templates that I am currently sending out.
I don't want to bother you, but if you found a few minutes of your time to read this and give me some feedback, it would mean a lot to me.
From what I learned on this forum, it is important to:
Did I miss something?
- keep it short and simple
- ask specific questions
- not sell in the email
- make the person interested enough to get him on the phone
The templates:
Variant 1 - random business owner:
Hey [ Name ],
I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.
Is everything in your business going well?
Do you have enough well-paying clients?
OR
Would you be interested in larger contracts? (You get the idea...)
I possibly could help you with that. Just hear me out.
Do you have a few minutes to talk?
Variant 2 - for old websites with a good Google rank:
Hello [ Name ],
I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.
You have a great SEO, and your website looks decent, but you could be losing some potential clients there. It would be a pity to have an underperforming website with such a great SEO.
I could help you with that.
Do you have a few minutes to talk? <-- I was thinking about switching this line with something like: Call me on Monday at 1PM. Here's my number: XXX XXX XXX.
Feel free to criticise the heck out of this. I want to improve.
Thank you in advance!
Looks like cold emails. First let's address the 4 points:
- keep it short and simple
- ask specific questions
- not sell in the email
- make the person interested enough to get him on the phone
This is a super simplified overview. For the most part they make sense. You're missing at least one point. We'll come back to that.
Also I don't know what subject you're using. The subject is important. People don't read what they don't open. We'll skip it for now.
Variant 1 - random business owner:
Hey [ Name ],
I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.
Is everything in your business going well?
Do you have enough well-paying clients?
OR
Would you be interested in larger contracts? (You get the idea...)
I possibly could help you with that. Just hear me out.
Do you have a few minutes to talk?
Opener - Hey [ Name ],
The opener feels casual, almost like you're old friends. It feels personal, like you wrote it and pushed send. That's good.
Line 1 - I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.
The casual friendliness disappears here. Nothing tells me what this is about. Instead, you focused my attention on wasting my time. I'd stop reading here. You also started with "I" which proves this isn't about a me, but achieving a sale for you.
Line 2 - Is everything in your business going well?
The reader doesn't make it this far. If he did, he still doesn't know what you want. Now you ARE wasting his time. The question isn't specific, it's vague and leads to a closed response.
Line 3 - Do you have enough well-paying clients?
By this line you've made him read 3 lines of nothing. He doesn't know what you want or why you keep asking questions. Why should he keep reading? Now he's annoyed, thinking.. get to the point already, jeez. Also the word "well-paying" sounds salesy.
The alternate line is slightly better, but again, they didn't read that far.
Line 4 - I possibly could help you with that. Just hear me out.
Here you made it about yourself again. You're talking about what you want. You stated you don't know if you can help him or not (the word "possibly"). The words, "just hear me out" are too forceful. You haven't given them a reason to listen to you yet.
Call to Action - Do you have a few minutes to talk?
"No" is the response you won't get. They won't bother with a reply.
We'll stop there.
To make it better don't talk about wasting time. Get to the point faster. Address the problem as they describe it. Start with something other than "I." Make it about them. Only talk about yourself to show what makes you credible. Make your CTA a CTA. Give them an action like, "If interested, reply and we'll schedule a quick call."
Variant 2 - for old websites with a good Google rank:
Hello [ Name ],
I don't want to waste your time, so let's get to the point.
You have a great SEO, and your website looks decent, but you could be losing some potential clients there. It would be a pity to have an underperforming website with such a great SEO.
I could help you with that.
Do you have a few minutes to talk? <-- I was thinking about switching this line with something like: Call me on Monday at 1PM. Here's my number: XXX XXX XXX.
Opener
This opener is too slow and boring. The one from the other email is better.
Line 1
Same problem as the other email.
Line 2
The words, "You have a great SEO" read funny. It should be "You have great SEO." The line is too long. The word "decent" implies their website isn't bad, but also isn't good. If they built it their self you might offend them. The whole sentence feels like template spam.
Line 3
It's unclear how you could help. Since the website is "decent" they don't need help anyway.
Call to Action
You can switch the line if you want. They won't call you. They're not operating on your schedule. You're interrupting theirs. You have to call them. And you have to do it when it's convenient for them.
Overall this suffers similar problems as the first email. It's not clear what problem you solve. No problem. No solution. No reason to read or respond.
@MikeS
Fix those issues and you'll have a better chance to get them on the phone.
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