Hey guys and gals! 
I know it's been a while.
Personal life and working on a new product kept me pretty busy lately.
Another reason that I faded more into the background reading is that I don't have much advice to give lately, since I'm just starting out with this product, something I never did before (publishing).
Anyway, let's write some thoughts out, that kept my brain busy the last few days.
One of the thousands of reasons, The Fastlane Forum is such an awesome place to be, is one trait that most members on here have in common: that small thing called Empathy.
Well, yeah, F*ck it. That's not a small thing.
It may appear like it is, because you are used to feeling that way. To being able to put yourself in the shoes of others. Not just in business, when you see the world (or a part of it) through the eyes of your (potential) customers, to see what they need, what they want.
But also in your personal life. When you don't judge a person you love, for their behaviour, but see what drives them to act this way. Why they are angry, mad, sad or distant.
But the more you think about it, the more you'll realize that a lot, if not most, people out there are not able to do that.
Let's be honest.
What did the majority of kids in school say about the kids who were "different"?
That one boy who shit his pants in class? Outcast for the rest of the school years. Probably given some creative nick names like "Lance shit-Pants".
The kids don't give a shit (ok, I know..) that this boy goes home crying every damn day, feeling like a loser. Guess what, maybe this kid was just diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. And besides feeling like his life is already f*cked up because of that chronic non-curable disease, that F*cks up his day to day life, he's also made to believe he is worth less than others. What of a change in this kid's life do you think, could someone make who cares about him and puts him/her-self in his shoes? Who runs with him to the toilet if it happens again, not giving a damn about the other's looks.
What about that girl, a grade above Lance?
"Oh, you mean the crazy one?" would be the standard reply when asked about her.
The 12 year old girl who threw a tantrum because of the smallest of smallest things. That "crazy bitch" who punched another girl in the face for play-wrestling. The one who always crys for apparently no reason.
What if I tell you that this girl was abused for years by her uncle as a kid?
It's probably good for you, if you never had a reason to look up the topic of trauma and PTSD. That girl crying and being unresponsive to your "what's wrong"s? Maybe she has a flashback.
She just flipped out for no obvious reason or a small thing? What if that something triggered her? Oh, she hit that girl while play-wrestling? Go figure that one out for yourself.
Seriously, a lot of people thing child abuse is something that only happens in movies to create a backstory for broken characters (like in Split). But just have a look at the stats:
Now, how high is the chance that the "crazy" girl is absolutely not crazy. But had to go through a hell, that most people will never be able to fully relate to (thankfully for them).
How much of a difference do you think would someone make, who takes the time to listen to this girl. To care for her. To see that she is not crazy. To make her see that she is an awesome human being. Someone to wipe her tears away and show her that not everyone in this world is evil. Someone she feels in peace with. Someone she can trust. How much of a difference would someone like this make for her?
I know what you may say now.
"But those are kids"
Yeah. But kids grow up. And then they are adults.
Do you think Crohn's Disease vanishes when you receive your driver's license?
Do you think trauma and PTSD vanish when you are old enough to move out?
Do you think the memory of not having friends in your childhood, disappears when you hit 18?
Or that the words people said to you or the things they did to you will just be gone from your mind as soon as you move into your own home?
Yes, people change and things change. But seriously. Is the adult life really that much different from how we acted as children?
We may not point our finger at the "different" or "difficult" kid and laugh.
Now, we talk about their adult version behind their back.
That "crazy girl"? Now she's the "hard to deal with" woman.
And Lance? Well, Lance killed himself after years of loneliness. Because there was not a someone that showed him the great things in life.
Most human beings think of themselves as empathic. And I don't question that.
I just feel like there is some kind of circle of empathy, that surrounds the inner circle of people's loved ones.
Your son is feeling bad because of his chronic disease? Oh, you can feel for him. You understand him. You would do everything for him.
Your daughter is going through a rough time, because intrusive memories to her childhood trauma enter her mind a lot lately? You lay with her in bed so she can fall asleep in peace and without fear. You make her smile or laugh when she wants to cry. You show her that she will overcome that stressful phase.
Yeah, I don't doubt that loving parents, siblings or partners would do that for each other.
The mother/father for her/his kids.
The brother for his sister and vice versa.
The mother for her husband and vice versa.
The partner for her/his partner.
But what about Lance or that girl? Besides their inner circle, who really gives a damn about how they feel? Why they feel that way?
What I want to say is, empathy shouldn't be restricted to like 5 people in your life.
Empathy should be something you can feel for everyone, or at least most people.
The mother, who always puts pressure on her son, who's happy with his girl, with asking "how can you be happy with her? She's so distant most of the time!"
That distant girl? Maybe she's like that girl from earlier on. Maybe she is not feeling good and due to her trauma she shuts down emotionally in such a phase. Maybe she is happy that someone took the time to understand her and not judge her for being "distant".
You can't judge the mother for caring for her son. That's empathic. It's just empathy limited for her inner circle. It's 100% empathy for her son. 0% for his girlfriend.
Without that limit on her empathy it would be more like 70% son. 30% girlfriend. Or something like that.
Confronted with it, the mother would probably say "but I am empathic! I care about my son's happiness!" see that limit there? Yeah, we care about our loved ones more. But that shouldn't exclude others, who are not in our inner circle, from our empathic way of seeing and feeling things.
Those others?
Maybe they could need someone who understands them. Takes the time to listen to them. Makes them smile. Shows them how awesome they are, no matter what others make them believe about themselves. Someone they can feel in peace with. They can trust in. They feel safe with.
All those blue and bold words in here?
Be that someone.
I know it's been a while.
Personal life and working on a new product kept me pretty busy lately.
Another reason that I faded more into the background reading is that I don't have much advice to give lately, since I'm just starting out with this product, something I never did before (publishing).
Anyway, let's write some thoughts out, that kept my brain busy the last few days.
One of the thousands of reasons, The Fastlane Forum is such an awesome place to be, is one trait that most members on here have in common: that small thing called Empathy.
Well, yeah, F*ck it. That's not a small thing.
It may appear like it is, because you are used to feeling that way. To being able to put yourself in the shoes of others. Not just in business, when you see the world (or a part of it) through the eyes of your (potential) customers, to see what they need, what they want.
But also in your personal life. When you don't judge a person you love, for their behaviour, but see what drives them to act this way. Why they are angry, mad, sad or distant.
But the more you think about it, the more you'll realize that a lot, if not most, people out there are not able to do that.
Let's be honest.
What did the majority of kids in school say about the kids who were "different"?
That one boy who shit his pants in class? Outcast for the rest of the school years. Probably given some creative nick names like "Lance shit-Pants".
The kids don't give a shit (ok, I know..) that this boy goes home crying every damn day, feeling like a loser. Guess what, maybe this kid was just diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. And besides feeling like his life is already f*cked up because of that chronic non-curable disease, that F*cks up his day to day life, he's also made to believe he is worth less than others. What of a change in this kid's life do you think, could someone make who cares about him and puts him/her-self in his shoes? Who runs with him to the toilet if it happens again, not giving a damn about the other's looks.
What about that girl, a grade above Lance?
"Oh, you mean the crazy one?" would be the standard reply when asked about her.
The 12 year old girl who threw a tantrum because of the smallest of smallest things. That "crazy bitch" who punched another girl in the face for play-wrestling. The one who always crys for apparently no reason.
What if I tell you that this girl was abused for years by her uncle as a kid?
It's probably good for you, if you never had a reason to look up the topic of trauma and PTSD. That girl crying and being unresponsive to your "what's wrong"s? Maybe she has a flashback.
She just flipped out for no obvious reason or a small thing? What if that something triggered her? Oh, she hit that girl while play-wrestling? Go figure that one out for yourself.
Seriously, a lot of people thing child abuse is something that only happens in movies to create a backstory for broken characters (like in Split). But just have a look at the stats:
Every year more than 3.6 million referrals are made to child protection agencies involving more than 6.6 million children (a referral can include multiple children).
The United States has one of the worst records among industrialized nations – losing on average between four and seven children every day to child abuse and neglect.
A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds.
Yearly, referrals to state child protective services involve 6.6 million children, and around 3.2 million of those children are subject to an investigated report. (link)
Yearly, referrals to state child protective services involve 6.6 million children, and around 3.2 million of those children are subject to an investigated report. (link)
Now, how high is the chance that the "crazy" girl is absolutely not crazy. But had to go through a hell, that most people will never be able to fully relate to (thankfully for them).
How much of a difference do you think would someone make, who takes the time to listen to this girl. To care for her. To see that she is not crazy. To make her see that she is an awesome human being. Someone to wipe her tears away and show her that not everyone in this world is evil. Someone she feels in peace with. Someone she can trust. How much of a difference would someone like this make for her?
I know what you may say now.
"But those are kids"
Yeah. But kids grow up. And then they are adults.
Do you think Crohn's Disease vanishes when you receive your driver's license?
Do you think trauma and PTSD vanish when you are old enough to move out?
Do you think the memory of not having friends in your childhood, disappears when you hit 18?
Or that the words people said to you or the things they did to you will just be gone from your mind as soon as you move into your own home?
Yes, people change and things change. But seriously. Is the adult life really that much different from how we acted as children?
We may not point our finger at the "different" or "difficult" kid and laugh.
Now, we talk about their adult version behind their back.
That "crazy girl"? Now she's the "hard to deal with" woman.
And Lance? Well, Lance killed himself after years of loneliness. Because there was not a someone that showed him the great things in life.
Most human beings think of themselves as empathic. And I don't question that.
I just feel like there is some kind of circle of empathy, that surrounds the inner circle of people's loved ones.
Your son is feeling bad because of his chronic disease? Oh, you can feel for him. You understand him. You would do everything for him.
Your daughter is going through a rough time, because intrusive memories to her childhood trauma enter her mind a lot lately? You lay with her in bed so she can fall asleep in peace and without fear. You make her smile or laugh when she wants to cry. You show her that she will overcome that stressful phase.
Yeah, I don't doubt that loving parents, siblings or partners would do that for each other.
The mother/father for her/his kids.
The brother for his sister and vice versa.
The mother for her husband and vice versa.
The partner for her/his partner.
But what about Lance or that girl? Besides their inner circle, who really gives a damn about how they feel? Why they feel that way?
What I want to say is, empathy shouldn't be restricted to like 5 people in your life.
Empathy should be something you can feel for everyone, or at least most people.
The mother, who always puts pressure on her son, who's happy with his girl, with asking "how can you be happy with her? She's so distant most of the time!"
That distant girl? Maybe she's like that girl from earlier on. Maybe she is not feeling good and due to her trauma she shuts down emotionally in such a phase. Maybe she is happy that someone took the time to understand her and not judge her for being "distant".
You can't judge the mother for caring for her son. That's empathic. It's just empathy limited for her inner circle. It's 100% empathy for her son. 0% for his girlfriend.
Without that limit on her empathy it would be more like 70% son. 30% girlfriend. Or something like that.
Confronted with it, the mother would probably say "but I am empathic! I care about my son's happiness!" see that limit there? Yeah, we care about our loved ones more. But that shouldn't exclude others, who are not in our inner circle, from our empathic way of seeing and feeling things.
Those others?
Maybe they could need someone who understands them. Takes the time to listen to them. Makes them smile. Shows them how awesome they are, no matter what others make them believe about themselves. Someone they can feel in peace with. They can trust in. They feel safe with.
All those blue and bold words in here?
Be that someone.
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