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- May 27, 2024
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Hi!
Up until now I've basically been the scripted posterchild.
From early childhood on the only path I was ever told about was: get good grades -> get a degree -> get a good job -> marry and have children -> retire at 65. Entrepreneurs are rich people, risk takers, heirs... not "normal people". "Normal" is probably the word I hate most. My parents kept repeating "just be more normal" whenever I started questioning anything, showed any interest in any subject they did not deem correct for my age. Curiosity was met with "you'll learn that in school later", all ideas with "that's not realistic", all attempts at having genuine interaction, being seen as a human being, with "that's for adults, go play".
I developed a burning desire to be worth something one day, but I knew no other lane... so I became the straight-A-student (waste of time), the teenager who did not drink and never went to parties (probably a good decision), HS valedictorian (pinnacle of a waste of time), medical student (actually enjoyed medschool, learning is my favorite thing), resident in a surgical subspeciality (don't do this kids).
You'd think being a physician makes you feel like you are worth something, but for me it did not. But I also thought that this was it, the optimal path, I was doing everything right, right? Maybe I'll feel worthy once I become an attending?
I had my first FT moment that should have really been an FTE on a Wednesday being on call.
My day started at 6:45am checking in on post-op patients - all good. Consults started rolling in early - not great, means I wont have time to have lunch. They started to pile on, I knew from experience at that point it would be 9pm before I left the hospital that day. I was hungry and exhausted and looking ahead was only exacerbating that, a 24hr shift the coming Saturday, night shift the whole week afterwards.
Around 11am I saw a patient on the medical ward with a complex history, spend half an hour navigating the ancient EMR system to get all the info, then called my attending. He asked me a question I did not know the answer to, between all the antibiotics, labs, previous consults, I had not written down the name of one of the other subspeciality doctors involved. Rookie mistake. He started to berate me "do I need to do your job?". I don't blame him in any way, he had a bad day as well, I never told him any of what happened afterwards.
Something inside of me broke and I started crying. Very embarrassing, surgeons don't cry. I was standing in the middle of this medical ward, trying to compose myself. After a phone call to another attending, who I think heard it in my voice, telling me to hang in there, I was on the hunt for two things: privacy and some tissues. Funnily enough it took me a while to find some of the latter, I stole them from the ward secretary desk while she just stared at me confused "are you ok?" - "haha yeah"... ran out of there and into the stairwell. Walking up the stairs to my surprise they kept going after reaching the top floor, there was another secret floor with some maintenance rooms.
And a door. It said "Emergency exit. Careful - unsecured roof". Unsecured roof.
I thought about the 3 ER patients I had not seen yet, having to face the same attending later in the day again, about the upcoming week.
I wanted to jump.
It hit me and now I was sitting on the floor in front of this door sobbing. Somehow I cried for a good 30min and even more surprisingly my phone stayed silent this whole time, as if the universe had given me a tiny break to decide. Emergency exits trigger an alarm, I knew if I opened the door I had to jump.
Jump or go see the patients in the ER?
I thought of H. and I got up, went down to the ER, and finished the day.
I had more moments in the coming months of wanting to escape, less dramatic ones. But even my concepts of escape were still loyal to the script. I learned to code, started to look for a non clinical job and eventually against all odds hit the slowlane jackpot: I got a job based on my coding, nothing to do with medicine, 40hrs/week, I make more than I did as a resident, I genuinely like my boss and my teammates, the work is interesting most of the time... I even have stock options that would allow me to buy a nice house in case of an IPO.
(Yes, the guilt and shame of leaving medicine is eating me... that is a whole other post that probably only other physicians who left would understand.)
"In case of"... and that is the lynchpin. I have no way of influencing that. I could be laid of any day, as I've seen happen to coworkers who are much smarter and more skilled than me. And even post-IPO I'd depend on a job. I did the math on compound interest on a regular job salary years ago and wow how does anyone actually rely on this and the Wall Street casino? After that napkin math I resigned myself to never retire, still not being able to see any other path. (Side note: I am not in the US so despite going to medschool, I am debt free, mix of subsidized education and working part-time and saving throught it.)
If my life was just about myself, maybe I would have stayed in this state, especially contrasting it with residency it is not too painful, it is still a 5 for 2 trade, but wow I get to sleep and eat enough, that is something, right? And I don't need much to be happy, a good book and tea is fine.
But my life is not just about me, in fact, it is not about me at all.
Moments like my unflattering cry session in front of the roof exit uncover what one lives for. I did not decide against jumping because of my wish for a fancy house or car, or because of hoping to one day be a star surgeon people admire, not even because I was thinking of my girlfriend at the time (sorry S.!). I got up and walked back down because of H.
I realized being there for H, protecting him, was worth any pain. Him and J., who I only really met later, are the reason I want to break free. (This sounds like they are my children, they are not, I have no intention to have children. I can't really explain why I am so protective of them, it is pure instinct.)
H. recently had a bit of a health scare (luckily he is ok), J. has a family member that needs very expensive medication that is produced overseas and endangered in case of supply chain issues. J's work situation is... let's say complicated.
The only thing I really truly want in life is to protect them and make them happy. I am useless stuck in a scripted existence. And I will change that.
I have a couple of possible roads to execute now, product ideas I wrote down while reading FL and Unscripted . Now I will take a little bit of time to weigh them, assess them with the Unscripted framework, decide which one to commit to and then execute it until I get a good number of gumballs back.
Up until now I've basically been the scripted posterchild.
From early childhood on the only path I was ever told about was: get good grades -> get a degree -> get a good job -> marry and have children -> retire at 65. Entrepreneurs are rich people, risk takers, heirs... not "normal people". "Normal" is probably the word I hate most. My parents kept repeating "just be more normal" whenever I started questioning anything, showed any interest in any subject they did not deem correct for my age. Curiosity was met with "you'll learn that in school later", all ideas with "that's not realistic", all attempts at having genuine interaction, being seen as a human being, with "that's for adults, go play".
I developed a burning desire to be worth something one day, but I knew no other lane... so I became the straight-A-student (waste of time), the teenager who did not drink and never went to parties (probably a good decision), HS valedictorian (pinnacle of a waste of time), medical student (actually enjoyed medschool, learning is my favorite thing), resident in a surgical subspeciality (don't do this kids).
You'd think being a physician makes you feel like you are worth something, but for me it did not. But I also thought that this was it, the optimal path, I was doing everything right, right? Maybe I'll feel worthy once I become an attending?
I had my first FT moment that should have really been an FTE on a Wednesday being on call.
My day started at 6:45am checking in on post-op patients - all good. Consults started rolling in early - not great, means I wont have time to have lunch. They started to pile on, I knew from experience at that point it would be 9pm before I left the hospital that day. I was hungry and exhausted and looking ahead was only exacerbating that, a 24hr shift the coming Saturday, night shift the whole week afterwards.
Around 11am I saw a patient on the medical ward with a complex history, spend half an hour navigating the ancient EMR system to get all the info, then called my attending. He asked me a question I did not know the answer to, between all the antibiotics, labs, previous consults, I had not written down the name of one of the other subspeciality doctors involved. Rookie mistake. He started to berate me "do I need to do your job?". I don't blame him in any way, he had a bad day as well, I never told him any of what happened afterwards.
Something inside of me broke and I started crying. Very embarrassing, surgeons don't cry. I was standing in the middle of this medical ward, trying to compose myself. After a phone call to another attending, who I think heard it in my voice, telling me to hang in there, I was on the hunt for two things: privacy and some tissues. Funnily enough it took me a while to find some of the latter, I stole them from the ward secretary desk while she just stared at me confused "are you ok?" - "haha yeah"... ran out of there and into the stairwell. Walking up the stairs to my surprise they kept going after reaching the top floor, there was another secret floor with some maintenance rooms.
And a door. It said "Emergency exit. Careful - unsecured roof". Unsecured roof.
I thought about the 3 ER patients I had not seen yet, having to face the same attending later in the day again, about the upcoming week.
I wanted to jump.
It hit me and now I was sitting on the floor in front of this door sobbing. Somehow I cried for a good 30min and even more surprisingly my phone stayed silent this whole time, as if the universe had given me a tiny break to decide. Emergency exits trigger an alarm, I knew if I opened the door I had to jump.
Jump or go see the patients in the ER?
I thought of H. and I got up, went down to the ER, and finished the day.
I had more moments in the coming months of wanting to escape, less dramatic ones. But even my concepts of escape were still loyal to the script. I learned to code, started to look for a non clinical job and eventually against all odds hit the slowlane jackpot: I got a job based on my coding, nothing to do with medicine, 40hrs/week, I make more than I did as a resident, I genuinely like my boss and my teammates, the work is interesting most of the time... I even have stock options that would allow me to buy a nice house in case of an IPO.
(Yes, the guilt and shame of leaving medicine is eating me... that is a whole other post that probably only other physicians who left would understand.)
"In case of"... and that is the lynchpin. I have no way of influencing that. I could be laid of any day, as I've seen happen to coworkers who are much smarter and more skilled than me. And even post-IPO I'd depend on a job. I did the math on compound interest on a regular job salary years ago and wow how does anyone actually rely on this and the Wall Street casino? After that napkin math I resigned myself to never retire, still not being able to see any other path. (Side note: I am not in the US so despite going to medschool, I am debt free, mix of subsidized education and working part-time and saving throught it.)
If my life was just about myself, maybe I would have stayed in this state, especially contrasting it with residency it is not too painful, it is still a 5 for 2 trade, but wow I get to sleep and eat enough, that is something, right? And I don't need much to be happy, a good book and tea is fine.
But my life is not just about me, in fact, it is not about me at all.
Moments like my unflattering cry session in front of the roof exit uncover what one lives for. I did not decide against jumping because of my wish for a fancy house or car, or because of hoping to one day be a star surgeon people admire, not even because I was thinking of my girlfriend at the time (sorry S.!). I got up and walked back down because of H.
I realized being there for H, protecting him, was worth any pain. Him and J., who I only really met later, are the reason I want to break free. (This sounds like they are my children, they are not, I have no intention to have children. I can't really explain why I am so protective of them, it is pure instinct.)
H. recently had a bit of a health scare (luckily he is ok), J. has a family member that needs very expensive medication that is produced overseas and endangered in case of supply chain issues. J's work situation is... let's say complicated.
The only thing I really truly want in life is to protect them and make them happy. I am useless stuck in a scripted existence. And I will change that.
I have a couple of possible roads to execute now, product ideas I wrote down while reading FL and Unscripted . Now I will take a little bit of time to weigh them, assess them with the Unscripted framework, decide which one to commit to and then execute it until I get a good number of gumballs back.
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