Dealing with porn and other addictions

[Kruiser]

Not sure how calling yourself weak and a loser is going to help anything. Watch your self-talk.

In regard to porn, I read somewhere that the three keys that make a porn use habit difficult to break (besides the biochemical/dopamine effects, which are massive) are 1. affordability (it is free) 2. accessibility (just need an internet connection) and 3. it is anonymous. To break the cycle, you need to take out one of those three. Affordability and accessiblity aren't going away, so you need to focus on an anonymity. The way to do that is to use an accountability type program with a trusted friend. You can install something on your computer that shares your internet history with that trusted friend. When you know your use of porn will not be anonymous, you are much less likely to use it. There are a number of competing software programs out there. Google it. Good luck!

 

[Patrick Jones]

Addiction is a symptom, not a cause. Find the root.

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by Gabor Maté

 

[AgainstAllOdds]

Once every 1-2 weeks, go to a bar with your friends and try to talk to a girl that you would've watched a porn video of. After you get turned down, remember that when you go home. Then use that as motivation to become a better person.

You're getting fat. You're being lazy. You're content because you get the daily high of instant gratification.

Go out there. Embarrass yourself a little. Then use your "addiction" as motivation.

 

[ZF Lee]

Has anyone else been in the same boat? How did you deal with your addiction, whether porn or something else? Any advice specifically for porn/sex addicts?

If you read Atomic Habits, you might find that you do the 'negative things', like porn and so on, in certain areas and certain times, under certain conditions.

Rarely do you get into a pattern of behaviour that seemingly goes endlessly.

Now, I'm not into porn, but like most young folks, I still saw social media too regularly as I'd like to.

So, here's what I did. Think the following steps can still be helpful for you:

Start with a goal
Why do you want to kick the habit?

• Is it to give you more time to work?
• Is it to make you less lethargic? (I read on reddit that somehow, too much jacking off drains you of energy, because you do not 'release' in the regular way with a lady)
• Is porn making you look bad before your family or someone else who looks up to you?

These are just some general ones.

Yours can be different. Something like an FTE for UNSCRIPTION.

For myself, I decided to kick the social media habit because I realised that if I really wanted to pull my own girl out of the SCRIPT, I had better act like the system was going to chew her whole and never give her back to me again.

- Write down how many times I logged onto social media to be more aware how much TIME I was wasting (I think there's software to track your online habits, so just google it up. I'm still old school with paper and pen)

You can use that software, and I hear some of them offer the option of actually SENDING the results to an accountability partner's emails. Here's a list of suggested websites:
https://www.robertweissmsw.com/reso...-softwares-for-use-in-sex-addiction-recovery/

I'll talk more on accountability later.

Continue tracking your hours, even as the porn habit goes away.

- Destroy the source.
If possible, delete apps.
If you are using a web proxy app to see porn without it registering on your browsing history, delete the app.

-Now, for the main battlefield...
Ask yourself the following:

Where do you watch porn?
Is it in the secrecy of your room? The toilet?

If you do most of your work, especially online, in those places, perhaps that is why you have a higher risk of being distracted by a place, which the brain has already linked both work and porn habits to.

Take your work outside to a library, cafe or public area. Away from the 'habit area'.

If you use a PC, or a phone, before you enter whatever place you do the habit, put it outside the room.
That will make it harder for you to reach for it, when your brain goes auto for the habit.

When do you watch porn?
I talked about this with some cell group members from church.

Usually if you are working, you will do it at night or in the evening.

The trick is to get busy during those times.
And I mean busy enough that you have to answer to a client or superior.

If you are working on a project, try tweaking the deadlines to be more stricter and closer, so you'd have no choice, but to work, work and work during those times.

For myself, I simply go write proposals for new Upwork clients, and spend more time educating myself on the relevant skills needed. There's always room to learn up on copywriting, marketing, accounting and web design.

If you want something more leisurely, perhaps scheduling sports or networking hours during those times can help.

Accountability
Get someone who you are comfortable with, can keep things private, and is always looking for ways to help you.

Send details of your daily progress to him/her, plus failures and possible strategies you can think of to act on these gaps.

Be brutally honest with what you are doing, and do not hide details from the partner.

If you still can't find anyone else, you can start a progress thread here to document your journey, but honestly, get an actual person face-to-face to makes it more tangible.

I have several partners for several areas, but my girl takes up most of them.

If you aren't sure of a format to arrange details of your progress with, for your accountability partner to look at and support you, here's a format I'm using to help me SOLIDIFY a habit to read my Bible regularly:
I'm reading the book of John BTW.

Time of reading: 9 am
Place of reading: On the morning commute, or waiting, or class break (during early morning lectures)

Passage of book:
First-time reading ideas:
Second-time reading ideas:

What I do not understand from first (or second) reading time:
What should I meditate/research/ask elders on:

What I learned from meditation/research/elders:

Does anything remind me of a past incident? Present?
Have I applied any lessons before? Never? Can I do it tomorrow? Today?

How can THESE lessons apply to YOU (my girl, considering she can learn a thing or two from the Holy Writ as well)

So I do a quick write-up and send it on the Whatsapp chat.


-Reward yourself
I feel most folks who fail to kick the habit ignore this.

Once you go a week past without porn, reward yourself.

There's many ways of rewarding yourself, from going for a (non-soft porn) movie, to having a dessert treat.

I prefer to have the reward of seeing my Upwork projects bloom, uncover a few new market insights on my Fastlane prospecting, learning something new, or meeting someone new, to encourage me to continue saving time away from social media.

For me, some of the usual rewards to encourage me to continue cutting the bad habit might be irrelevant to my true goals, so I had to realign them accordingly.

You can test and tweak the reward cycles to see what works for you.

EDIT:
For the accountability format, I'll put in a general one specifically for porn...

Time of habit:
Place of habit:

Goal of quitting habit (My Why?):
Number of days/weeks I didn't do porn:
What activity I put in to replace porn habit:
Where did I go to avoid 'habit place':

Why did I fail today, if I did:
What triggered it:
When did it trigger:
What can I do tomorrow to deal with it:

What short-term rewards I enjoyed to motivate me (e.g. good food, good movie):

 

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[Johnny boy]

You’ve got low self esteem because you think you’ve got a problem. You think you’re not good enough and it manifests itself as saying “I’ve got an addiction”.

I watch porn too. I also hookup with a lot of girls. I do what I want and don’t feel guilty for anything. I don’t apologize for anything. I don’t think anything I do is a problem. I just do what I want.

Your “worrying about your porn addiction” is just a distraction by itself. How are you going to achieve your dreams? That’s the question.

 

[Primeperiwinkle]

In the same boat with media addiction but I don’t ever go totally broke, anymore. It’s annoying af. I used to have a HIGHLY addictive personality too, read romance novels like five a week. Everybody jumps on men for pornography addiction. Nobody ever says women have it too. We do. It’s called crappy books on kindle.

I have emotional wounds. Addiction is medication for broken hearts. I have purged over and over again from crappy books, crappy apps, crappy relationships. It’s a process.

I go forward three steps, back two, self-sabotage to a certain degree. I don’t know how to be comfortable with success. I don’t know how to identify as a Successful Person. I don’t know how to get rid of my internal discomfort when I’m being believed in.

I tend to fight that, a lot.

Issues. Man. We all got issues.

The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks talks about how our internal comfort level guides us. If you’re only comfortable being a loser, you’ll grow for a bit but then lower your life to resonate or match with your beliefs. Losers CAN’T be successful, right?

We gotta change that.

It’s an identity thing. Truly.

So.. my plan is weird but.. I think it’s working?? Meh, let’s hope for the best. Lol.

1. Surround yourself with successful ppl who have excellent morals and healthy relationships.

2. Get pissed at all your self-pity. Rage makes us move, apathy sucks energy.

3. Just say F*ck it. We’re gonna be uncomfortable! We’re gonna have imposter syndrome. We’re gonna NEVER feel like we belong. Ok. Who cares? Do it anyway.

4. Write your future self a letter. Be specific about what your self-sabotaging has cost you. Yell at your future self for being an a**hole if you do it again. Tell your future self how much you believe in him. He’s gonna be better. Keep that letter somewhere safe.

5. Set alarms on your calendar, for months in advance. You’re gonna hit your limit again and start self-sabotaging. When you do, read the letter.

6. Come back to the forum and keep asking questions. You’re not the only one screwing up, repeatedly.

7. FIND A HEALTHY REWARD. Find something, anything that actually makes you happy as a Producer instead of a consumer.

HTH. Praying for ya dude. Loneliness sucks. So much.

 

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[TonyStark]

Addiction is our attempt at making up for a lack of human connection/connection to the universe.

Addiction is the inverse of connection.

Get yourself a girlfriend.

 

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[Joe Cassandra]

When kicking a habit, I find there are really two things to do:

1) Keep busy
2) Think of overcoming it will only take 30 days not your lifetime

First --- keep busy ---

We slip into destructive habits when we're idle i.e. we don't have something productive to do. Eating bad, not exercising, porn, watching too much TV or playing too many video games...

All those stem from not planning out your schedule. You plan out your schedule when you have goals to hit, no matter how small. ​

How ---> create urgency.

Set a goal ---> I will do X by Y date (business goal is best). You'll become obsessed with accomplishing that goal, before you know it, it's been a week since you did your destructive habit. Etc.

For me (and I'm not the best at this), I plan out what I need to get done every week and every day. That includes time for exercise, time for reading, time for wife/kids. The day goes by much faster that you end up having no time for bad habits.

Second --- OVERCOMING ---

Getting over bad habits is daunting because we can't see the end of the tunnel. So, we're discouraged. We beat ourselves up.

Here's the thing...

After about 14-21 days, your body gets into a groove with your new routine. ​

For me, I'm addicted to carbs. Pizza and ice cream please.

I started (January 2019) with a diet of eating just 1,250 calories per day. There's no way to eat pizza and ice cream on that diet.

The first 14 days are brutal. You're starving. It's terrible. After 2 weeks, though, your body adjusts.

Now, I usually just eat dinner and a snack after dinner. No breakfast. No lunch. Sometimes, I'm not even hungry by dinner time, but I eat to nourish myself.

Today, I can barely eat 3 pieces of pizza. I will only eat about a cup of ice cream before I just throw the rest away. Before, I'd eat a whole 8 pieces. Before, I'd literally eat a pint of ice cream (1250-2000 calories) in 20 minutes on top of 3 meals per day.

Down 22 lbs.

Don't look at your "lifetime" of overcoming porn. Know that after just 2-3 weeks, you'll be strong enough to resist more and more. If you fall off, push through those first 14 days and know it gets easier.

 

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[WhatsMyName]

I searched for porn addiction on this forum and only found two threads that weren't particularly relevant, so forgive me if I missed something.

I need help and advice. I have an addictive personality, mostly to porn, but occasionally to video games or internet surfing.

The thing is, I KNOW that I can build something bigger if I could get my head straight, but I always end up sabotaging myself.

For example, I will work on a project for 2-3 months, make a good chunk of money, then get stuck on addictions for the next 6 months. It's not like I'm even traveling, enjoying new hobbies, or whatever during those 6 months. I'm being a lazy a$$ surfing porn or playing games all day, getting fat to boot.

I have a long history with this. I'm self-employed at the moment, but when I was in the workforce, I basically worked insanely hard for 1-2 years to get a great job, then coasted for another 5-6 years doing the bare minimum once I got that job.

Whenever I bust my a$$, things work out, but I can't stay on track for long. I always end up losing motivation or getting distracted. The next time I have to start from scratch again.

I started a new project at the end of last year that was an amazing success, surprising even me. But then I loafed around for the next four months. I'm tired of this cycle, and I've tried to break it before, but I keep going back to the same old shit.

Has anyone else been in the same boat? How did you deal with your addiction, whether porn or something else? Any advice specifically for porn/sex addicts?

Yeah, I know, I should be able to just "stop it" and grow up, be a man. But I can't. I'm weak, a loser. Maybe I'm defective. How do I get stronger?

 

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[Roli]

Just F*cking stop it.

Stop letting your base primal instincts drive your life around and belittle your vision.

Oh just stop, why didn't the OP think of that? Sorry for the sarcasm, but this is equivalent to telling someone to just do better, it doesn't help because it's not that easy to just stop, I think that's why he was asking for our help... Apart from that I did actually like the first part of your post, you absolutely nailed the thought process of addiction.

I need help and advice. I have an addictive personality, mostly to porn, but occasionally to video games or internet surfing.

I think @ZF Lee's advice is pretty damn golden and I can't add much to that, except to say buy Atomic Habits by James Clear, he gives great advice on starting good new habits, and getting rid of old bad ones.

 

[Journeyman7]

Man, there is quite the spectrum of opinion being thrown around here...

I have a close friend who works at a non-profit that specializes in porn addiction and removing unwanted sexual behavior.

The biggest thing I have learned is that PORN IS ALMOST ALWAYS A WAY TO MEDICATE negative emotions. It feels good and it's easy. Some people medicate with porn, some with food, alcohol, video games, etc.

I have found myself in a similar cycle to you, where I am able to focus and work very hard for a limited amount of time, but then I burn out. And when you burn out, the more you want things to feel good and be easy.

My advice to you is to find a counselor (and maybe some close friends/family) and talk through your emotions and life circumstances. I used to think counseling was only for weak-minded people. But the truth is that nobody was raised perfectly from childhood. We all have more to learn about ourselves and especially how to openly and safely talk about our emotions and the hard things in life.

If you want something to read as well, I would recommend Unwanted by Jay Stringer

 

[Kade]

For most people, the root cause is low self-esteem.

My bet is that you're afraid of success, so instead of actually being successful, you rather trick your brain short-term into thinking that it is.

For me, the root cause was isolation. I believe it is for most. Self-esteem is a symptom of being socially and mentally adjusted. A compass of sorts.
We live in a world where our work & life might have no meaning. Make it about something. Connect with your environment.

OP certainly you've realized that porn is a PsyOp. It's a PsyOp to isolate you.

 

[Kybalion]

I'm in the same boat man.

 

[DaDream]

I would advise you to create a habit which allows you to do High Intensity exercise every day. Back in the day I also had issues controlling my sexual energy. Pixels kill the brain. Now I have a routine which really helps. I run/sprint 1.5 miles every single day (unless I'm feeling overtrained I'm no ironman). In addition to that, I also lift weights regularly 6 out of 7 days.

The result of my habit is more mental clarity and I feel better, both in the way I look and how my body responds throughout the day. Very rarely do I feel any stress because my routine clears all of it. Whenever I really want to be with a girl I'm able to catch something on Tinder or Bumble for a night.

I have been reading tons of threads in this forum since I got here a week back. Most of those young entrepreneurs between 20-31 years of age sacrifice the early years building a system (and finding the right product or service) they can scale by adding employees so that they can generate enough income to create the lifestyle they want.

At least you have built some projects and made some money. Get your priorities straight and within a year or two you can probably be mentoring some people in here.

 

[YanC]

I suggest you read Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson. Knowing what's going on and how the mechanisms work is very helpful to act and make a change.

 

[Timmy C]

I searched for porn addiction on this forum and only found two threads that weren't particularly relevant, so forgive me if I missed something.

I need help and advice. I have an addictive personality, mostly to porn, but occasionally to video games or internet surfing.

The thing is, I KNOW that I can build something bigger if I could get my head straight, but I always end up sabotaging myself.

For example, I will work on a project for 2-3 months, make a good chunk of money, then get stuck on addictions for the next 6 months. It's not like I'm even traveling, enjoying new hobbies, or whatever during those 6 months. I'm being a lazy a$$ surfing porn or playing games all day, getting fat to boot.

I have a long history with this. I'm self-employed at the moment, but when I was in the workforce, I basically worked insanely hard for 1-2 years to get a great job, then coasted for another 5-6 years doing the bare minimum once I got that job.

Whenever I bust my a$$, things work out, but I can't stay on track for long. I always end up losing motivation or getting distracted. The next time I have to start from scratch again.

I started a new project at the end of last year that was an amazing success, surprising even me. But then I loafed around for the next four months. I'm tired of this cycle, and I've tried to break it before, but I keep going back to the same old shit.

Has anyone else been in the same boat? How did you deal with your addiction, whether porn or something else? Any advice specifically for porn/sex addicts?

Yeah, I know, I should be able to just "stop it" and grow up, be a man. But I can't. I'm weak, a loser. Maybe I'm defective. How do I get stronger?

If you don't want to you wont it's as simple as that really.

Does it hurt bad enough to not watch it? only then you will stop.

Even if you are addicted and dont want to watch it, if the pain it causes isnt bad enough you will anyway.

It is a distraction from some pain in your life really, and its a massive surge of dopamine giving you instant gratification.

 

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[mdivljina]

Ending Addiction

Take a look at this guy. He's a Mardi Gras professor that talks about addiction overall. I'd watch all the episodes if I were you.

 

[Roli]

Delete those bookmarks, clear your history and auto-complete history.

Pretty sure he's not bookmarking his porn, and uses incognito non-history gathering pages... I mean I assume

Seriously though, I'm going to come back to this one, some good advice given already...

 

[Isaac Oh]

Watch it everyday. Multiple times a day until you're bleeding down there. Spend hours of your life doing it. Keep going. Keep clicking. Just one more video. Brain feels wired but that's okay, one more won't kill you. Okay, this is the last one. Oh wait! What about that one down there. It looks interesting. Click. Keep going. Commitments I made to myself? others? I'll get to that later. It's not THAT important. Besides, I'm almost done here. I can stop, right? I can control myself if I needed to. Oh I missed something important? Well, I didn't really need to do that. Keep clicking. Next. Chasing that high that I vaguely remember that seems to slip my grasp. Maybe this one will do it. More extreme stuff. Desensitization.

Just F*cking stop it. You're worth more. Your life is important.

Quit that shit.

Stop letting your base primal instincts drive your life around and belittle your vision.

And if you stumble back later on, that's okay. Quit that shit again.

Anything worthwhile is worth trying for again.

You're worth it man. Your vision is worth it.

Same thing goes with gaming, unbridled entertainment, food, drugs, whatever

 

[The Abundant Man]

Addiction is our attempt at making up for a lack of human connection/connection to the universe.

Get yourself a girlfriend.

 

[WhatsMyName]

Thanks to everyone who replied. There are so many diverse replies that I'm not even sure what to do next...

My main takeaway is that I need to find and deal with the root cause, whether that's shame, frustration, anger, past history, medical issue, whatever.

Kind of a stupid thought I had. Not sure if relevant.

I know how to give other people value. That's how I make money. I help out other people all the time. I have friends, girlfriends, whatever. Never had a problem with forming relationships per se.

However, I have always felt that I get little from others in return. It's always give, give, give. I don't get much back.

But...

I realized just now that I don't even know how to give myself real value. So why would I expect anyone else to?

I need to figure out how to make myself feel good, like genuinely. Sounds kind of stupid, but I don't actually know how to do that. Or maybe things that make other people happy don't actually make me happy. Will think about it. Try stuff.

Thanks all.

 

[TonyStark]

We all have addictions to some degree (aka vices) and varying intensities, but I find they intensify the most when I’m feeling lonely.

(Especially for a single guy like myself)

 

[Ernman]

A very interesting thread, thank you. I applaud your courage for sharing what many would consider a very sensitive subject.

In Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill has a chapter on what he calls sex transmutation. He talks about how most successful people are also highly sexed people that have learned to "transmute" that energy into success oriented activities. For some this is unconscious, for others it takes concerted effort. From your post, comments by others and my own experiences, I believe there is truth to this. Which leads me to following suggestion...

Don't look upon your addiction as a weakness and lower your self esteem. Instead focus on turning that addiction into the strength it is. Many suggested reading Atomic Habits. I completely agree. Recognize that when you turn that energy to success activities you're rocking it. Channel those successes for the "feel" good. A counselor may be useful to help you better manage the focusing of your energies. But please don't consider yourself a loser or weak. Like all of us, you're human.

 

[WhatsMyName]

Thanks again to the additional comments.

Posting an update to add to the search engine and archives for others. Otherwise, I won't bump the thread too often since I doubt the forum owner wants to see a topic like this plastered all over the place.

I read Atomic Habits and definitely recommend it. It's too early to say if I have formed the right habits and kicked the bad ones, but I haven't really looked at porn since last Wednesday. My productivity is good as well. I made a couple changes that might seem tiny, but they definitely helped.

1) I removed the Chrome (browser) shortcut from my desktop, start menu, and unpinned it from the taskbar.
2) I pinned the software I use for my current work instead to the taskbar.
3) I made my work software automatically run when I boot up my computer. So as soon as I turn it on, my last bit of work appears in front of me.

Obviously, I can still run Chrome easily if I really want to, but the above alone has made me far more productive and prevented me from going into porn (or other distractions).

The thing is, I actually enjoy my work and can get "addicted" to it as well, but if I get into "porn mode" it's hard to shift back into "work mode". A few minutes of browsing will turn into 5-6 hours of wasted time. I can't quit/control it, hence the addiction.

So the little changes above funnel me straight into work, and once I start, since I do enjoy my work, I get into "work mode". My overall desire to look at porn has decreased as well. If it's late at night and I've done my work for the day, I don't feel the need to go searching for anything. I actually tried once and got bored. I would rather think about other projects.

I think I have some understanding of what drives my porn (and video game, mindless surfing) addictions. It might be a bit different from others, but I'm not really motivated by loneliness or hurt, necessarily.

Rather, it's all about freedom and fear.

I grew up with very strict parents, and all I did was focus on schoolwork and extracurricular activities to get into the best college I could. Even at college, I did nothing but work and didn't spend any time partying or hanging out. I started hanging out a bit much later as I got older, dating, that sort of stuff, but I always felt like I missed out on the prime years of my life. My first job sucked in that I had terrible working conditions, easily 80+ hours a week without exaggeration. The boss would call me up on a weekend at 1am and expect to talk about something that came up. I would get one day notice to cancel personal plans and fly out to deal with something. Stupid shit like that. To top it all off, the rewards for all my years of hard work were utter shit, too, if I'm putting it into proper perspective (slowlane).

Basically, I felt like I had no control over my life.

So whenever I could, wasting huge amounts of time on porn or video games was my way of taking control back. If I could have the freedom to kill time by doing anything I want, even something as pointless as porn for 16 hours a day, yeah, that was proof that I was free, damn it. (Yeah, I did spend that many hours of porn when I was younger. These days, not as much, but it's still a problem interfering with my "professional" life by holding it back.) I was basically compensating for my strict upbringing and shitty early adult years of zero fun and being a slave to school or work.

Couple that with my fear of death, yeah, death. I can tell that I'm getting older. You know - your body is not quite what it used to be, you get more responsibilities (aging parents, funerals, kids, relatives, whatever is going on, you older people know). It's like I'm losing control again in many ways. Porn to me is the expression of my FOMO.

I'm afraid of wasting the remaining years of my life shackled to "what I have to do" when I could be experiencing the most "pleasure" or freedom, whatever that means. I wasted the first half of my life by pursuing all work and no play, and part of me absolutely abhors the thought of repeating that. I don't want to give up the possibility of experiencing some pleasure and freedom now, now, now, because my life is ticking away and "now" is all I have.

I KNOW my long-term happiness and freedom will be greater if I get my shit together, but a part of me still doesn't believe it. It's scared of giving up my freedom again in pursuit of work and little rewards. I'm afraid of making sacrifices for no pleasure.

I think the counter to that is filling up my life with things I do enjoy, and the less intense but more steady "pleasure" can compensate for those brief but extreme dopamine spikes from porn. I enjoy working on projects, launching them, and so on. And I should find a few healthy hobbies or other things I enjoy to keep me busy in my down time.

It's hard for me to work steady, but I'm learning as I get older that it's impossible to go 100% all the time. I'll just burn out and end up in another addiction cycle. So I have to somehow teach myself to go for CONSISTENCY and not EXTREME PERFORMANCE. I'm geared to want to overclock, overwork, aim for 200%...but that's clearly not working as my average performance over long periods of time is worse than someone else who just puts in a decent effort every single day.

I think the following is what I've really learned and internalized in the past couple of days:

1) It will take a shitload of work to succeed.

That seems obvious, but for me, I can fairly objectively state that while I work hard, in a way, I never had to STRUGGLE to succeed within my "workspace". Like it's not hard for me to learn a new programming language, or launch a product and get sales. But if I am blessed in that aspect, I am cursed in my inability to focus and be consistent.
So I will have to work my a$$ off to get my head straight. I really liked the idea behind Atomic Habits of constantly trying to make small improvements. To putting all that energy into continual self-improvement.
If someone else has to spend one year of nail-biting misery and lost cash to find a profitable niche, well, I will have to spend a year of as much pain and suffering, maybe even more, trying to develop consistently good working habits. That seems fair.
I'm going to have work my a$$ off, in a different, embarrassing way to succeed. Feels kind of stupid or almost like a handicap, but this is what I need to do.
Every day, I need to work hard to make sure I am on the right path, whether that is working on my habits, reviewing my systems/environment, or brainstorming more ways to give myself better odds.

2) I can change my mind

Again, this might be obvious, but it really isn't to me or someone stuck in a pattern of addiction or destructive behavior.

I really, really liked Atomic Habits and the idea of tweaking whatever you can to give yourself the best chance of following good habits and ditching bad ones.

It gives me a concrete, actionable plan. I don't have to just say "work hard!" "Stop that!" I can comb over my life and figure out how to guide my mind into a different place. I gave the examples above with my Windows icons. Small and stupid, but it worked.

It's about how to use my mind when I'm rational, all that great energy, motivation, brainpower, to help my mind when I'm being irrational and weak. It's almost as if I'm two different people, but I need to accept this situation, and try to let my better half help my worse half. My gut feeling is that this is the key.

***

I'm very grateful to those of you who took the time to offer your input, some of you typing out very thoughtful, extended replies.

In many ways, this forum can be another waste of time, and those of you with your shit together could have spared yourself the time answering me to spend it on your own work or personal lives instead.

I can't guarantee anything, but I will try to make sure that the care you put into your replies will not be wasted. I'll try to beat this problem back. But if I ever get my shit together, I do guarantee that I will be paying it forward as you have done. Thank you again, all.

 

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[Costafarian]

Hey man, I feel your pain. I took a test for some anti-porn site to prove to myself whether I was "Addicted" to it or not. The test came back and proved that I wasn't and that I wasn't even fit for their rehab program.

I would share the link, but I don't know what the site was called. Just Google something like "porn addiction test" and see what you find.

Best thing you can do is just try cold turkey and see how long you can go. I'd start by skipping a few days, once you can prove to yourself you have enough discipline to get over the instant gratification, aim for a week. Then two. Then three. Rinse and repeat.

If you can go a month, I'd say you're not addicted and that it's all in your head. I did the same thing for alcohol AND porn.

The r/NoFap community also is pretty helpful and has some decent resources for overcoming the need to touch oneself.

My issue is that my motivation to go out and find dates and hit on girls is dialed up to 11. And I feel like it distracts me from actually focusing on whats important to me. As I get consumed by it. So I haven't completely given up porn yet myself.

But it's a lot like junk food, you know its not really good for you but it's fine if you can use it in moderation.

It's already proven that your testosterone isn't actually affected by porn and masturbation. It's really all about those precious endorphins.

If you really want to quit, you have to convince yourself. The rest of us can only offer our own advice based on our personal experience. But it's possible.

 

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[Jeff Noel]

The best way to steer away from porn: Delete those bookmarks, clear your history and auto-complete history.
It's stupid, but it will make it slightly harder to get to your favorite sites.

Then, write a to-do list everyday. Make sure you cover all your free time with stuff to do. Bam, no more time wasted on porn and you become productive.

To me porn is like video games or TV, or any other addiction. People don't realize it, but any addiction is bad.
Somebody died from his peanut butter addiction. Some people died from drinking too much water (over-drinking liquids is a known addiction called Polydipsia)

 

[AgainstAllOdds]

My main takeaway is that I need to find and deal with the root cause, whether that's shame, frustration, anger, past history, medical issue, whatever.

For most people, the root cause is low self-esteem.

My bet is that you're afraid of success, so instead of actually being successful, you rather trick your brain short-term into thinking that it is.

 

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[rogue synthetic]

I have an addictive personality

No you don't.

Start there.

What happens now?

 

[Sadik]

Addiction is a filler. When in your subconscious, you have this empty feeling, you want to distract yourself away. You can turn to several things to fill this emptiness. Some turn to alcohol, some to drugs, some to porn, some to television, video games, fantasy movies.

Porn is easily available, provides instant gratification and there are triggers everywhere. Our habits are a cycle of trigger, activity, reward. We are triggered by something which makes us do the activity because we want the reward. Unfortunately, our modern society has commercialised women's bodies to such an extent that triggers are everywhere. Ads, billboards, movies, tv etc all plant the trigger in your head and you then want to turn to the activity.

To overcome porn addiction, two things need to happen. One, you need to find and understand the underlying cause of emptiness within you. You said you can work really well in sprints. This is a sign of you being a highly functional individual. But your environment, your current situation in life may not be what you desire it to be. This causes dissonance and you want to disconnect. This is true for most people. To really resolve this, the only way out is to really "find your focus". I think there's a brilliant thread about that on this forum somewhere. You really have to understand, know yourself. What is it that you want, what are your core beliefs? Until you can at least begin to understand your deep wants, you will never get rid of the emptiness which you fill with porn. You can externally fight it, but it will keep coming back which is your experience.

After you begin to find your focus, your core beliefs, your deep desires, second thing is to understand habits. Habits are formed regardless of whether we are conscious of them or not. So it's best to get conscious of them. Charles Duhigg has a very good book about it, "The power of habits". Essentially, the main point is that you have to learn to identify triggers and to be conscious when you have been triggered. So you need to have a Big brother type camera in your head on yourself where you constantly evaluate why you are thinking / feeling / doing something that you are. It's like you are both the active doer and observer of your actions at the same time. Tim Ferris talks about this in his podcast with Naval Ravikant. I recommend listening to that episode. Replace your habits with other positive habits. which work on achieving your deep desires, want and in activities you will enjoy.

Another point is about the guilt. Guilt is a slippery slope. You do something that you believe is wrong, then you blame yourself feeling so very bad about yourself, this causes low self esteem, then you give up and delve deeper into the guilty activity. And at the end you are so deep into the shit that you just hate yourself. This is the story of addicts. The only way out of this slippery slope, contrary to what you may think, is to forgive yourself. To go easy on yourself. Tell yourself that, ok I made a mistake but it's not the end of the world, just a lost small battle in the larger war. So drop that low self talk, forgive yourself and don't make your mistakes your identity. It's all only in your head.

Finally, I can vouch to you that it can be done. Porn addiction CAN be broken. But no one will be able to do it for you. You have to do it yourself. Seek help, counsel if you need.

 

[Longinus]

In the same boat with media addiction but I don’t ever go totally broke, anymore. It’s annoying af. I used to have a HIGHLY addictive personality too, read romance novels like five a week. Everybody jumps on men for pornography addiction. Nobody ever says women have it too. We do. It’s called crappy books on kindle.

Romantic fiction is porn for women, also doing more harm than good.

 

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