This is my real diary entry from a few days ago. It kind feels weird to make myself that vulnerable in this forum but maybe this insight helps someone.
I began to understand the core problem which is holding me back for YEARS. The search for a secret bypass, the philosopher’s stone, an insight which helps me to skip the hard work. Aka the search for a shortcut.
„
The last days I almost watched porn daily and mostly videos. Also today. I fell back in my usual behavior: unwanted action, distraction, unwanted action, distraction, … until eventually I started searching how I can act differently. I searched in my head and in the internet. Articles, videos – all about how to change my habits, behavior, mindset. This is the normal path I take after my outburst in porn and self-anger. Normally I would find a new approach on how to change my life which would give me a short burst of motivation until the cycle starts again but this time was different. After some time I’ve recognized that this search for change is actually the search for a shortcut.
„it has to be possible to stop watching porn without feeling the pain of abandonment.“ – No the only thing which is holding me back to stop watching porn is my decision against it independently how I feel.
„I don’t want to study in the moment and there has to be a way how I always want to study without forcing me and feeling the pain of doing something hard“ – No, behind the reluctance and the negative feeling is everything you desire. Everything hides behind this wall of negative feelings. Grab your goals, burst through the wall und see these feelings as a stimulus. They are a sign that you are on the correct path.
„But it’s just one time, one exception, that doesn’t mean anything …“ – I live in habits. My life is determined by my habits and with every decision I sow this habit. Everything I do determines a part of my future – what kind of future do I create for myself ? A future in which exceptions are the rule? A future in which my feelings determine me?
Or a future in which I achieve what I plan. A future in which I’m bursting with strength and am enjoying the harvest I sowed for myself. In every moment you decide … - decide wisely
“
I just realized that so much of my behavior is deeply rooted by the shortcut mentality. Event though I read about it in MJs and Coveys book..
Hopefully this helps someone who experiences like me the same toxic behavior for years without ever realizing or really finding a way of changing it. – Dig deep in your motivations, listen deeply to your intentions and how you see the world.
I began to understand the core problem which is holding me back for YEARS. The search for a secret bypass, the philosopher’s stone, an insight which helps me to skip the hard work. Aka the search for a shortcut.
„
The last days I almost watched porn daily and mostly videos. Also today. I fell back in my usual behavior: unwanted action, distraction, unwanted action, distraction, … until eventually I started searching how I can act differently. I searched in my head and in the internet. Articles, videos – all about how to change my habits, behavior, mindset. This is the normal path I take after my outburst in porn and self-anger. Normally I would find a new approach on how to change my life which would give me a short burst of motivation until the cycle starts again but this time was different. After some time I’ve recognized that this search for change is actually the search for a shortcut.
„it has to be possible to stop watching porn without feeling the pain of abandonment.“ – No the only thing which is holding me back to stop watching porn is my decision against it independently how I feel.
„I don’t want to study in the moment and there has to be a way how I always want to study without forcing me and feeling the pain of doing something hard“ – No, behind the reluctance and the negative feeling is everything you desire. Everything hides behind this wall of negative feelings. Grab your goals, burst through the wall und see these feelings as a stimulus. They are a sign that you are on the correct path.
„But it’s just one time, one exception, that doesn’t mean anything …“ – I live in habits. My life is determined by my habits and with every decision I sow this habit. Everything I do determines a part of my future – what kind of future do I create for myself ? A future in which exceptions are the rule? A future in which my feelings determine me?
Or a future in which I achieve what I plan. A future in which I’m bursting with strength and am enjoying the harvest I sowed for myself. In every moment you decide … - decide wisely
“
I just realized that so much of my behavior is deeply rooted by the shortcut mentality. Event though I read about it in MJs and Coveys book..
Hopefully this helps someone who experiences like me the same toxic behavior for years without ever realizing or really finding a way of changing it. – Dig deep in your motivations, listen deeply to your intentions and how you see the world.
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