Having trouble making small talk; I don't care about other people

[Solais]

I used to have the same train of thought as the OP, and avoided small talk like the plague.

Small talk is surprisingly useful. I make it a challenge to dig as much information as I can out of them for my own entrepreneurial purposes without sounding like a secret government agent in a terrorist holding cell.

For example, I went to a local meetup about 2.5 months ago (because I moved to a new city about 7 months ago, and hardly knew anyone) and joined a conversation where 2 women talked about how they LOVED [insert obscure drink] but couldn't find it except in a few restaurants.

(Sadly, this was AFTER I already started my existing business, otherwise, it would've been a great idea...<_<)

They get to talk about themselves/what they're interested in, and I get valuable information. A very good trade if you ask me.

Don't discount "petty" conversation.

 

[OlivierMo]

Look at it this way: if you're not interested in what other people have to say, how can you learn from your customers, unveil problems, find business ideas, etc....

 

[handog]

I have the same problem when trying to connect with others. The book "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown has really helped me understand how to become more whole hearted and makes it easier to befriend people.

 

[Vanita Anchan]

...I just can't connect to them.

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

So, as you can imagine- I have immense struggle in making small talk with other people. I find myself ignoring what most people are saying to me simply because I'm not interested in whatever it is they're talking about- UNLESS it's related somehow to success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?

Hello!
I am smiling and when I’m writing this to you!
My journey to mindfulness began with the same feelings and level of intensity that you write with.
This is so much to do with our growing up and extroverted nature. If you are like me, I’m sure you grew up in a decently organised and disciplined household.
I can imagine the amount of frustration you face when you are trying to get things done when you’re in a large group. I was there sometime ago.

My best bet on this situation is getting closer to mindful living. Being an observer is the key. Mind controlling exercises play a very important role at any point of our lives.

Adopt an easy meditation practise. Read about mindfulness techniques. I’ve been a Vipassana Meditator for some years now. Being in equanimity under any circumstances, is the sole teaching of this practice.
Read Micheal Singer’s Surrender Experiment, in you can! Even his book Untethered Soul can do a lot good for life!

There’s a lot more you can achieve through just learning about mindfulness. And getting over this frustrating times and connecting with people will be then be just a cakewalk.
Be Happy Always!

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[maverick]

Absolutely, but not from discussing the incessant mindless use of the products themselves. I'm not sure how listening to Joe Nobody talk about his latest GTA conquest while he's sipping a cold Coors Light will help me add value to his life. Maybe you can advise?

Because you'll be trying to sell your product or service to "Joe Nobody". If you cannot relate to your customers, you will never be able to sell to them.

Have an open mind. Stop projecting your reality onto others. Acknowledge that you can learn from any situation and/or person.

 

[guy93777]

I’ve never seen this thread before. Lots of interesting answers.


Seriously, learn to actually take an interest in other people. Be genuine with it. You’ll live in a sunny little world where everyone opens up to you and you’re surrounded by smiling and animated faces.

but introvert thinkers can't really mix with feeling types . we want people "to make sense"

even if we have genuine interest for people, they view us as boring because we don't drink, we don't party and so on. social rituals like dating rituals don't make sense .

this is our biggest problem.

 

[Damien C]

You don't have to care about them but you do have to care about what they think and believe. You can't dismiss other's thoughts, attitudes and beliefs with a superior attitude because it's these people that drive markets up and down. What average Joe currently thinks about x determines where it is going to go. If you aren't in touch you are likely to miss out or be way off with your assumptions and estimates.

I used to have the same attitude but today I'm convinced there is something to learn and take away from every interaction regardless of the other party's IQ or where they sit on the socio economic ladder. Open your mind, speak to others and listen. Alternatively, pay someone else to do it for you.

 

[ecommercewolf]

After reading through this whole thread, I've realized I've overlooked the fact that I have the same issue.

Definitely need to work on this as well and be focused on present conversations even if they aren't Unscripted conversations.

 

[ClaytonForester]

I was listening to Jerry Seinfeld being interviewed and he said he’s never fully present with anyone, even his wife. I feel that way sometimes, too. I am constantly thinking about my business and often find my mind drifting during conversations with friends and family. Thankfully, my wife is understanding and allows me to ask her to “start over” if I’ve zoned out during a conversation.

Personally, I’ve always hated small talk. I’m very introverted and it drains my energy to be in groups of people. What helped me deal with it was a stint in retail. Being forced to engage in small talk with hundreds of people per day helped me at least learn how to believeably fake it. Maybe get a part time job at a coffee shop. It’s a laid back atmosphere where you don’t necessarily have to wear a smile all day like a psychopath but you’ll be able to practice your small talk skills.

 

[Bertram]

Maybe you're a psychopath. Seriously. It's nothing to be ashamed of if you are. There are plenty of non-violent, non-criminal people who hold respectable careers (surgeons and crime scene people for instance) who are clinically regarded as psychopaths. There was a story I read about a psychologist who tested whether people were psychopaths using a test, tried it on himself and learned he qualified as a psychopath. Being a psychopath obviously comes with dark connotations due to pop culture, movies (Hitchcock comes to mind), and so on. The majority of psychopaths are not violent, nor involved in crime.

Or maybe you're not. Alls I know is that I connect better with people when I truly put a focused effort to listen to them, think about what they're saying and trying to understand where they're coming from and why. Hope any of that helped.

What a refreshing take on psychopaths.
You might be interested in the social style of high-functioning Aspergers as well.
Psychopaths are highly adept at socializing and more easily work a room than the norm. Small talk comes easily to psychos. Aspies - those with Aspergers - have to learn the rules of the game and practice.
OP does not seem interested in narratives, or scenarios with a beginning, middle or end. That includes sports games. That preference is a strong indicator.

 

[Bertram]

That being said, sticking a label on someone's style of behavior is not the point. Being socially unusual always seems healthier than aping stereotypes.
I was very bashful like the OP for a few years. What pulled me out of self-conscious and extreme misery was a college teaching job which started at 6:45 am and required me to start lecturing to a crowd of 210 strangers twenty minutes before I was emotionally aroused enough to feel shy.

 

[Xeon]

What a refreshing take on psychopaths.
You might be interested in the social style of high-functioning Aspergers as well.
Psychopaths are highly adept at socializing and more easily work a room than the norm. Small talk comes easily to psychos. Aspies - those with Aspergers - have to learn the rules of the game and practice.
OP does not seem interested in narratives, or scenarios with a beginning, middle or end. That includes sports games. That preference is a strong indicator.

Guess I'm a high functioning aspie then lol

 

[100ToOne]

I think this is just the fastlane/business sun shine. It blinds you in the beginning, and you don't see anything but the light.

Happens in the beginning stages. Not only when you go into business, but exactly the same happens when in religion, politics, philosophy, science, gaming and almost anything.

Nothing to worry about, soon you will get back your normal vision, and start looking back through balanced look on life and usually will start taking interest in normal life issues and stories. It's just a stage almost everyone goes through.

It could take a couple of years, or less, so it's usually a matter of time

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Bertram]

Damn I feel stupid now. That makes sense.

There's a mass media pressure to label lack of social engagement psychopathology, and also a huge blindspot about autism and Aspergers.
Aspergers and autism are on a sharp rise. This is good news.
A book about it: Neurotribes, by Silberman. Great, fun read.

 

[guy93777]

Where does the above material come from, @guy93777? It sort of reads like a storyboard from "One Life to Live."

i have said this is the mystery method

The Mystery Method: Amazon.co.uk: Erik von Markovik: 9780312360115: Books

Buy The Mystery Method by Erik von Markovik (ISBN: 9780312360115) from Amazon's Book Store. Everyday low prices and free delivery on eligible orders.

www.amazon.co.uk

the author is an INTP ( mbti theory ). introvert thinkers are INTP ( architect ) and INTJ ( strategist )

i am an INTJ. there are a lot of other methods to understand people that was created by introvert thinkers. Eben Pagan, Jeff Walker are introvert thinkers


--> to understand the mess that is society, we have to rely on system thinking


for example : jeff Walker's product launch formula





Eben Pagan and the customer avatar in his get altitude program






get altitude really means that we have to stand above society to see what's going on
in the mess








the masterminds ( most of them are INTJ and INTP ) owning society have been working for centuries with system thinking


--> i am a self made expert on social engineering so it seems to me that i know what i am talking about

hint :

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[guy93777]

Thanks for this.

you are welcome

in terms of strategy , you have to understand that the level here ( Pagan, walker, etc ) is a joke compared to the masterminds managing society

A JOKE.

the marketing guys are brainwashed like everyone else by the masters at the top. they are part of a superior system of management.

this is like monkeys managing gazelles at the zoo while the masters are managing the zoo , the superior system


smart people make their own rules in life because they understand that they have the right to live according to their cleverness

masterminds think that might is right. cleverness is right, not the stupid opinions of the crowd !

by the way, this is the core of stuart Goldmisth teaching ( INTJ as well )

 

[Jm10k]

I completely feel where you are coming from. I've dealt with the exact issue in the past, and overcame my not giving a F*ckness about others. Working in a predominantly hasidic Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn I found that, my thirst for knowledge has led me to become intrested in others. I guess practice makes perfect.

At first it's not natural but after you start to learn how others view the world, and how that can help you build a product or service to help others, you will be surprised on how much effort you put into getting to know people from all walks of life.

Like one of the guys here said, go into interview mode, even if you cannot relate to someone try to find out how they feel and try to understand or feel what it must be like.

 

[MHP368]

Unless youre a misanthrope thats just introversion and ego


Hoe to win friends and influence people is a pretty short book , go read it.


People like talking about themselves , let them , add some guiding questions. I guarantee you these boring folks youve written off all have a story or two worth hearing.

 

[AppMan]

...I just can't connect to them.

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

So, as you can imagine- I have immense struggle in making small talk with other people. I find myself ignoring what most people are saying to me simply because I'm not interested in whatever it is they're talking about- UNLESS it's related somehow to success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?

A good communicators who are loved by people listen genuinely to the other person, I think people smell your disinterest and stay away from you.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Bertram]

Look

Look, I actually appreciate being corrected. It means I learned something. Why I thought psychopaths lacked mirror neurons exactly, I don't know. It's been many years since I've really researched them.

I think we're both here for the same purpose.

However you are also insulting me which is uncalled for.



Your point here is fair, although presumptuous. Perhaps you're used to being the smartest person in the room and talking down to everyone else.

Yet you get very uppity too. Check yourself.

So yes, I do attribute the impaired empathy response to genetics. I do also recognize that physiology and genetics are not the same. Yet you cannot deny that genetics are responsible for many physiological traits too.

Do you actually have any information for why their physiology is different?

I will ask again, as you did not answer, What do you see as the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath?

I hope you are able to control yourself and be respectful.

This is no big deal, you posted some misinformation and I put the facts out in front, you added two more bits including links to 2 paper titles, but not the papers just the titles on Research Gate and these don't support your idea that psychopaths are born different either, and it sure sounds like you haven't even read them. And now it seems you are still not sated. The content ratio was about 90/10 and all the heavy lifting was on me. That attitude suggests to me you're really here to kill time. Have at it. Let it be. I guess it does not matter that we high-jacked a zombie post in the meantime.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Bertram]

Okay, you're clearly more interested in stroking your own ego than actually talking about things.

You made a choice.
10/90
See post #96.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[ProcessPro]

Thanks for being honest.

I guess the way you 'learned' to be obsessed with success, you can 'unlearn'. Immerse yourself with people (start small).

Two tips: Open ended questions and listening. You'll hear little gems of stories here and there, many of which may indirectly add to your success.

I think we should strive to like people because they are the ones we're trying to create value for and they're the ones that will give us their money.

 

[Tommy92l]

I think the best way to keep a conversation flowing is to ask questions, seriously. Even if I have no interest, I have a gift of formulating great questions that they love to answer. While on this forum it may seem different, I HATE talking about myself in person, I focus the conversation on the person I'm talking with and believe it or not... you actually begin to enjoy it.

 

[CarrieW]

I just have a few thoughts to add...

one maybe your just hanging around the wrong kind of people?

I don't want to insult or upset anyone but have you tried to talk to a therapist? if you genuinely feel the way you do I think there may be something deeper going on...

my son has aspergers he has a very hard time talking about or thinking about things he isn't interested in... can seem to be rude and uninterested a lot of the time. and he is just made that way... he doesn't do small talk will go on and on forever about things no one else cares about but him... extremely self absorbed...

no matter what the cause the advice here is dead on... the only way to get better at anything is practice... and the advice about asking questions even if you aren't really interested is also dead on, makes the other person feel better...you may not enjoy the conversation but they will... you may not be able to change your feelings and thoughts but you can change what you chose to reflect into the outside world...

you ever hear the saying no one will remember what you say, they will remember how you made them feel!

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[SM Switi]

It's amazing to find people going thorough the same mental change that you go through and facing the same issues, really amazing!
Thank you very much for bringing this up, also great responses and suggestions.

 

[Niptuck MD]

small talk will be your best friend you just have to have enough social intelligence in order to differentiate when and where and WHOM to do small talk with. You can pretty much do it all you want in the southern united states, parts of north east and in canada. But do not even bother in Germany, Scandinavia and such. There is no room for this. Countries like japan however are tough one. As a whole, Japanese businessmen prefer not to spend hours conversing and getting to know you they are all about mutual respect but it gets confusing because they are so customary. However in arabic countries, you will often not talk abotu the deal until you have wined dined and really gotten to know each other. Nothing has really changed in this realm over the years. (its quite interesting actually). Americans prefer small talk much more then most nationalities (again except for the wealthy arab nations)

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[nemenia]

You can at least PRETEND to be interested. Try really hard to concentrate at what they are saying instead of just zoning out.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[ChrisV]

Guys, I hate to burst your bubble but this thread is from 2014. OP probably hasn’t used this forum in 4 years.

But there’s a few ways to deal with this for anyone else reading later.

Have other interests than Entrepreneurship, stop reading constantly or find new friends that share your interests

 

[wizaster]

Look at it this way: if you're not interested in what other people have to say, how can you learn from your customers, unveil problems, find business ideas, etc....

Exactely! As much as I despise talking about temperature, acknowledging another persons' feeling or opinions about something we have no control over creates a bond. Small talk is a basic form of validation. It opens up a door for you know more about them, their dreams, wants and needs.

Starting a conversation, no matter how futile is the subject, with a "me me me" mindset automatically blocks you out; you put yourself in a bubble then try to interact.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Bertram]

...I just can't connect to them.

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

So, as you can imagine- I have immense struggle in making small talk with other people. I find myself ignoring what most people are saying to me simply because I'm not interested in whatever it is they're talking about- UNLESS it's related somehow to success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?