Importance of Friends & Social Skills ? How to Impove

[Zorro]

this seems to be one of the most important things of life
....and I am clearly lacking at this part

-recently moved to a new country where I dont know anyone and cant speak the language fluently
-(my age 20)


I am naturally

-avoiding contact at all costs
-cold attitude
-never smile, mean face
-introverted

my past experiences burned my "brain roads" into this pattern.


What activities help you improve your social skills and change your "bad" attitude ?

I ve been like this my whole life and this seems to be the hardest challenge so far ...but I have to start as soon as possible cause I am starting to become old...

 

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[Robert R]

I would suggest reading the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Although you will read it, you should implement one lesson a day into your life. Continue to add a lesson a week or at whatever consecutive pace suits you, and it'll become second nature eventually.

Personally it's been helping me to just read a few chapters and then to go out for a few weeks and just focus on those lessons (they're at the end of each chapter).

As for the language barrier, the only way to quickly become fluent, from my understanding, is to be immersed in the language. So go out and learn the basics. As you wander around try speaking to people and develop your new skill. Set a daily goal of what you'd like to learn, and how many people you want to speak to. Then just practice the language, by yourself of with another bi-lingual person you meet.

 

[Tiago]

Why are you avoiding contact at all costs though? I think you need to dig deep into why you have a cold attitude towards others and then take a step from there.How to win friends and influence people is an amazing book, you should give it a try. The title might seem a bit scary, but give it a try

 

[Tengen]

A few years ago i went on a deleting spree on facebook. I had added too many people who were interested in nothing but posting duckface photos or travel snaps. Most of these people i became acquainted with during university. Eventually we lost contact in real life, so i reasoned there was no justification for keeping them in my digital life.

Today, i wonder if it was a mistake. I could have easily just put them on passive observation and ignored them, but the rush of excitement to reject useless people from your life had been tempting. Now that i'm in the process of starting something new, perhaps it would have been useful to keep in touch with a few more people. I have less than 50 "friends" on facebook now, down for 300+ way back when.

There's no point regretting though, just have to muscle through it and create a solution regardless.

 

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[skekasaurus]

What activities help you improve your social skills and change your "bad" attitude ?

At the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, drinking helps tremendously lol!

Go out to events or anywhere people collect, doesn't matter where just put yourself out there. And drinking really does help to loosen you up haha. This past weekend we had "Fiesta" down here where I'm at, after a couple drinks I was randomly talking to people left and right. Even had a few people ask me to take photos with them! I'm like WTF?!?! But I was having fun so did it anyways. You don't really have to drink to make friends, but it helps you get out of your bubble rather easily.


Also, I "3rd" on reading How To Win Friends And Influence People!!! It's a really good read. On my "Best Books Ever" list!


EDIT:
Shoot, just realized that your 20.

Uhhh, my advice, win friends that are 21+.

 

[smarty]

If you're not being a little bit silly, you're being too serious.

And to give you another perspective of things, read this very short free book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005OMBTKY/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

 

[Zorro]

Why are you avoiding contact at all costs though? I think you need to dig deep into why you have a cold attitude towards others and then take a step from there.How to win friends and influence people is an amazing book, you should give it a try. The title might seem a bit scary, but give it a try

already read the book 2 years ago but never applied it into real life

I read a lot of these kind of books but it seems useless if you dont take action afterwards which is my problem
I already know "everything" but Im lacking the courage to take action.

(yes I know by writing this I am strengthening this negative self-image/believe but that is the truth about the past...)

 

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[Jimmyy]

already read the book 2 years ago but never applied it into real life

I read a lot of these kind of books but it seems useless if you dont take action afterwards which is my problem
I already know "everything" but Im lacking the courage to take action.

(yes I know by writing this I am strengthening this negative self-image/believe but that is the truth about the past...)

Chill out, dissolve your ego, get drunk, join groups, offer value and go have fun

 

[Tiago]

Then start doing it now. Not in 5 minutes, not tomorrow, not when you have more time to focus on this.

Call an old friend, check how he is doing. Next time you go to a supermarket just strike a conversation with somebody. And most important, keep a log about these things.

Seriously, you have absolutely nothing to lose. And everything to win.

 

[Leo Hendrix]

Look within yourself for the answers...the answers lie within...be honest with yourself...consciously defeat your past experiences and move on...dont let negativity weigh you down...expand your consciousness...I found that helps as I have had the same problem before...never smiling generally agro and agressive...now I try not to let things get to me...control your reactions...not others actions...as you cant.

 

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[Grimaldo]

Did you read one of the recent status from MJ?
"If you want to BE someone you've never been before, you need to DO what you've never done before."
Reading books is mental masturbation. You have to take action.

DO Daygame, that thing will change your way of BEing, and your life.

PM if you want more info and if you are committed to change.

 

[Zorro]

Did you read one of the recent status from MJ?
"If you want to BE someone you've never been before, you need to DO what you've never done before."
Reading books is mental masturbation. You have to take action.

DO Daygame, that thing will change your way of BEing, and your life.

I had this the exact conclusion a few months ago then I stopped reading books.
All the infos are in my head I just need to DO it now.

I should start to learn the language first before I can strike up converstations .
Now I found another excuce to procastinate...


Whats daygame exactly?

 

[DrkSide]

Shoot, just realized that your 20.
Uhhh, my advice, win friends that are 21+.

Depends on what country you are in.

Next time you go to a supermarket just strike a conversation with somebody. And most important, keep a log about these things.

This works, next time you see someone looking at a product and they put it in their cart strike up a conversation about why they like it and let them know that you have been wanting to try it. That can make it easier because the conversation is not just random but about something they just made a decision on.

IMO the language barrier is a huge hinderance to beating this problem. What have you done to learn the language?

Also, the way you carry yourself can make a huge difference. Someone likes to talk to others that are smiling and seem happier instead of someone that has a blank or agitated look. I used to be uncomfortable being who I was. That is a very hard thing to come to terms with but when you accept who you are and what you look like it can change your whole demeanor. I was large, dumpy, and clumsy but all of that was attributed to my mindset (except the large part, but that affected the mindset). When I started wearing clothes that fit, lost a few pounds, and found my confidence I am a totally different person than I was and much happier.

 

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[Lex DeVille]

this seems to be one of the most important things of life
....and I am clearly lacking at this part

-recently moved to a new country where I dont know anyone and cant speak the language fluently
-(my age 20)


I am naturally

-avoiding contact at all costs
-cold attitude
-never smile, mean face
-introverted

my past experiences burned my "brain roads" into this pattern.


What activities help you improve your social skills and change your "bad" attitude ?

I ve been like this my whole life and this seems to be the hardest challenge so far ...but I have to start as soon as possible cause I am starting to become old...

Read:

A Guide to Rational Living
Personality Types
Personality Selling

Those three books in addition to How to Win Friends and Influence People will pretty much give you all the tools you need.

You said you recently moved to a new country so I assume you may be experiencing culture shock.

Be aware of this so you can research on Google how to cope with it effectively.

Since you are in another country, you will need to take culture into account when utilizing the methods in any of these books.

You don't have to speak their verbal language to learn their body language and mannerisms.

Most communication doesn't happen via spoken word. Learn how to use positive body language and then modify it for their culture.

After that the only thing left to do is do it. You won't gain confidence in any of your abilities until you start trying them out.

When you try them it will likely be awkward. But then you will get better, and better, and finally you will be an expert.

It's a process...

 

[socaldude]

The first step is to realize that 99% of this problem is caused BY YOU. Not other people.

You are self-sabotaging. Practice self-observation. Be aware of how you actually reject people.

We all have skills and powers inside of us that are either not fully developed or utilized.

Were you REALLY born cold and distant? Most people were not. Look at kids, they are very sociable, but as time goes on their social environment destroys their confidence.

Love yourself first. Have joy in your being first. When you love yourself and have joy in your being you easily extend that to others. Then people will want to have more of you.

Kind of like an emotional surplus that you can give to others.

When your primary motivation is negativity your presence will literally drain others.

Before anybody has any relationship with anybody else they first have to have a healthy relationship with THEMSELVES.

Or as Ayn Rand put it "To say "I love you" one must first be able to say the "I".

 

[jilla82]

 

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[Jimmyy]

The first step is to realize that 99% of this problem is caused BY YOU. Not other people.

You are self-sabotaging. Practice self-observation. Be aware of how you actually reject people.

We all have skills and powers inside of us that are either not fully developed or utilized.

Were you REALLY born cold and distant? Most people were not. Look at kids, they are very sociable, but as time goes on their social environment destroys their confidence.

Love yourself first. Have joy in your being first. When you love yourself and have joy in your being you easily extend that to others. Then people will want to have more of you.

Kind of like an emotional surplus that you can give to others.

When your primary motivation is negativity your presence will literally drain others.

Before anybody has any relationship with anybody else they first have to have a healthy relationship with THEMSELVES.

Or as Ayn Rand put it "To say "I love you" one must first be able to say the "I".

This but I'd say that is wrong to think of it as 'the problem is caused by you'. When you start thinking of it as something being wrong with you, you get shame come in to play when you F*ck up. And shame is poisonous to development. Instead think of it as 'what I am doing' is the problem. Yes you massively have to develop yourself, but don't think there's something wrong with you. There's something wrong with what you are doing or thinking.

 

[Simon Ashari]

I am currently 25. My situation was almost identical to yours (only difference being you having moved to another country).

I am naturally
-avoiding contact at all costs
-cold attitude
-never smile, mean face
-introverted

This could have been a description of myself even a year ago. I am now much happier.

Here is how you can become more happy:

Read the book 'Psycho Cybernetics' by Maxwell Maltz. It is a book about performing 'plastic surgery' on your personality (Maltz was a plastic surgeon himself, but wrote this psychology book which became one of the most popular of its kind).

Realize that people are often just as shy as you are.

They have feelings just like you.

They may be intimidated by you.

They need love just like you.


Often you can be frowning because you are shy. The person you frown at may become sad because of this and feel the same rejection you feel (even though you didn't want to hurt them).

Always assume the best in people.

If someone doesn't smile at you, assume they are having a bad day themselves.

Assume they are just shy.

Do not assume it is because they hate you or that you are a bad person.


I really do feel for you. I had some social anxiety as a 20 year old (until 24 years old). This was despite me putting in the effort to become more social. Reading books on the topic of how to talk to people. For years it didn't work one bit. I was shy and felt isolated.

And then things just clicked.

You will gain confidence as you grow older and you will be better for the experiences you are having now (even the bad ones).