Instant transformation and the dogsh^t diet (yes, it's real and it'll change your life)

[AndrewNC]

Magical things happen in Jim's basement...

6:17 p.m. - March 3rd, 2016 - My phone beeps.

I'm at happy hour with a group of young professionals, caught up in conversation with a doctor who says he found a 90% success rate for curing a number of "incurable" diseases. MS, Parkinson's, and a few other auto-immune diseases.

The sample size of his study was limited to 88 people, but the 90% success rate is more than impressive.

Right before he tells me the details, I notice the message on my phone.

The time and location is finally here. I quickly excuse myself from the conversation, pay the tab, and make my way to the meeting with the witchdoctor.

After driving down a long, winding road in the heart of the foothills, I think I've arrived. It's dark out and I'm unsure of what to expect as I make my way around the back of the seemingly empty house, proceeding to follow the directions in the message

I creep my way downstairs into the basement.

Easing my way into this house I've never been to before, I hear a group of voices at the far end of the basement in a separate room, and head over that way.

The voices appear to be in rhythm, almost as if they are chanting something.

Approaching the door, I see the group of people tapping their fingers on their heads repeating the phrase, "I am crazy...." Now they are tapping on their face over and over again "We are crazy....we are all crazy."

They haven't heard me yet, so I still have a chance to book it out of here before I join them in their ceremony.

I'm beginning to feel tipsy from happy hour, so I decide to take that step through the door.

I didn't see the two stairs below me, so I come crashing down onto the ground with a loud thud.

The door slams shut behind me from the wind.

The group turns silent, and once again, I am the center of attention.

There's no turning back.

"Hi, I'm Andrew...", I introduced myself as the man in charge suggests I take a seat with the group.

I sit in the chair next to him and he quickly but politely corrects me saying that is reserved for "The special guest that we choose tonight."

Looking around the room, I don't see any sacrificial lamb, and sit between a lady who says she is channeling the divine, and a man who I would not trust to babysit any of my (future) children. I'll don't know his name, but in my mind, I'm calling him Lester.

I am still feeling good from happy hour, so at least I can turn sitting between Lester and Mother Mary into fun game in my mind.

"I know what you're thinking." The witchdoctor says to me.

The group proceeds with the chant, and Jim motions me to join in....So I do.

• "I am crazy....." Taps on the top of my head.
• "We are all crazy...." Taps on the eyebrow.
• "I am reallly crazy" Taps on the collar bone.

"How do you feel?" Jim asks the group.

I forget what everyone else says, but I strangely don't feel crazy...despite my purpose for being here tonight and chanting with the others while I tap on random points on my body.

"I somehow feel the opposite of crazy..." I reply.

"Good, now we need a volunteer to be the chosen one tonight." He says.

One of the other shots I had from happy hour kicked in. I raise my hand, and he motions me into the seat that I was just kicked out of.

"Are you ready?" Jim says, asking in a tone of voice suggesting that there will be no going back after doing what I'm about to do here today...

This man in front of me right now is about to cast a spell on me, and in the next 20 minutes, I will no longer be the person I was when I walked in this room today...

(continued..)

 

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[AndrewNC]

Vji xovdjfudvus detvt e tqimm up ni....us tu O vjuahjv.

"Xjev fu zua xepv op mogi?" Vji nep etlt.

Nutv qiuqmi eqqsuedj jon epf etl gus e seoti ev vjios kuc, us tuni nusi wedevoup voni piyv zies, epf vjiz emm hiv xjev vjiz tiv uav vu eddunqmotj egvis 20 nopavit xovj vji xovdjfudvus.

"O xepv vu opwitv op e duaqmi fubip catopittit vjev esi jimqoph djephi vji xusmf, $23,875,150.00 op nz cepl edduapv, seoti vji duptdouatpitt ug qmepiv iesvj, 3 Pix Zusl Vonit Citv Timmist..."

O qupfis tuni nusi, giimoph mowimz gsun jeqqz juas

"...epf miv't vjsux op niivoph nz tuamnevi xjomi xi'si ev ov." O tvevi tu nevvis ug gedamvz.

"Hsiev! Tu xjev xomm vjev fu gus zua updi zua jewi emm ug vjev." Ji siqmoit.

O vjopl....

"O giim vjev O xuamf ci dupvsocavoph vu vji xusmf....zit... dupvsocavoup. Epf duppidvifpitt", O dupvopai, "O emsiefz fupi tuni PMQ up nztimg xjisi O lpux ov'mm jeqqip xovjop 3 ziest."

"Exituni!" ji tezt, "Pux, et zua tii vjev qistup zua xepv vu ci, O xepv zua vu tviq opvu vjev qistup epf giim vjuti giimopht et og zua emsiefz edjoiwif ov."

"O dep'v. O dep tii ov op 3 ziest, cav O dep'v giim ov pux. Tuni inuvoup ot hivvoph op vji xez.", O siqmz.

"Vjot ot xjz eggosnevoupt epf qutovowi sigsenoph fup'v xusl. Ov't moli duwisoph e qomi ug fuh tjov xovj gsutvoph epf demmoph ov e daqdeli. Zua dep qav et nadj gsutvoph et zua xepv up vuq ug ov...cav op vji ipf, zua'si tvomm ievoph e qomi ug fuh tjov.", ji tezt.

"Jnn..vjev nelit tipti. O'wi fupi e muv ug qutovowi sigsenoph op vji qetv." O tez. " O lpux O dep edjoiwi vjot op vji gavasi, cav sohjv pux epf op vji piyv gix nupvjt, O jewi e giimoph epf wotoup ug tdesdovz."

"Hsiev! Tu miv't tez zua fup'v edjoiwi vjev huem ug zuast...xjev ot vji XUSTV quttocmi uavduni?", ji teof.

"O'n csuli, ev juni, mowoph xovj nz qesipvt, ev vji ehi ug 29." O siqmz.

"Ul, csoph aq e nipvem qodvasi op zuas nopf ug cioph ev juni mowoph xovj zuas qesipvt, csuli, geomoph ev zuas huemt...Fu zua giim vji inuvoup ug tdesdovz?"

Zit.

"Gsun 1-10, jux opvipti ot ov?"

4.

Ji cihopt veqqoph up jot jief. "O en csuli, mowoph xovj nz qesipvt..." O giim O en taqqutif vu kuop jon.

O siqiev vjot qjseti 8 vonit xjomi veqqoph 8 quopvt up nz cufz.

Xi dzdmi vjsuahj vjot vxodi.

"Ul, tu pux xjip zua tii vjev qodvasi ug zua op zuas nopf mowoph xovj zuas qesipvt, csuli...xjev't foggisipv"

O siqmz, "Jnn.. xiosf. Vji pihevowi inuvoup ot hupi.....Epf xux..siemmz xiosf....O tii vjev gavasi wistoup ug nztimg vjev O xepv vu ci duni op vjev teni dosdantvepdi, cav cioph vjev pix qistup...vjev pihevowi inuvoup ot hupi, epf....

Sihesfmitt ug xjisi O en op mogi (xjivjis vjsuahj tqedi us voni), O en vjev teni qistup."

O gimv ep opvispem tjogv.

O simietif vjev pihevowi inuvoup ug tdesdovz, epf O giim et og O optvepvmz vseptgusnif opvu vjev qistup O xepvif vu ciduni 3 ziest gsun pux..cav O cideni vjev qistup vufez.

"Ul, up vu vji piyv tvehi." ji teof.

"Atoph zuas vonimopi (PMQ) xjisi ot zuas qetv epf xjisi ot zuas gavasi." ji etlif, egvis nipvoupoph O lpix PMQ.

Qetv cijopf ni, gavasi op gsupv ug ni.

"Xjev fu zua tii?", ji dupvopaif vu qsuci.

"O tii vji piyv 2 nupvjt et cioph tunixjev tdesdi, cav siemmz caomfoph aq egvis vjev." O teof, qsuafmz ug xjisi vji gavasi xet jiefif.

Ji dupvopaif, et og tadditt 3 nupvjt gsun pux xetp'v huuf ipuahj. "Zua tii, op PMQ, eggosnevoupt, epf vjiseqz, vjiz fiem xovj vji qetv epf gavasi, cav vjiz fup'v fiem xovj vji jisi epf pux....miv't dupvopai."

Gsun vjisi, ji jef ni onehopi hsuxoph siemmz meshi up vuq ug nz vonimopi, tu ov xet vji tobi ug e xusn apfis nz guuv.

Epf updi O xet ev vjot tobi, ji jef ni onehopi vjev O xet vji mohjv cijopf e nuwoi qsukidvus ev e nuwoi vjievsi.

"Zua esi vji mohjv cijopf vji tmofit.....epf ugvip vonit xi jewi vjiti tmofit....gomvist.... op uas mogi vjev qsukidv e nuwoi up uas tdsiip vjev siemmz otp'v xju xi esi us xjev xi xepv vu tii."

Cav pux, vjev zua siemobi zua esi vji mohjv, O xepv zua vu hiv cohhis epf csohjvis, epf hiv tu csohjv vjev ov nimvt exez epz epf emm ug vjuti pihevowi tmofit vjev esi gomvisoph zuas iyqisoipdi op vjot siemovz.

O fu vji iyisdoti epf vji tmofit casp exez.

Ov xet katv ni, et vjot xjovi mohjv, xovj e cmedl (qiedigam) tassuapfoph.

"Epfsix, pux O xepv zua vu siemobi vjev zua ESI vji mohjv...epf apmoli vjev umf vonimopi zua atif vu jewi, zua dep optvepvmz qsukidv epzvjoph zua xepv upvu vjot tdsiip vjev xi demm mogi."

E noyvasi ug vji inuvoupem simieti, epf vji inquxisnipv vjev O en vji upi op dupvsum ug iwisz iyqisoipdi op nz siemovz, O pux gimv vjev O duamf optvepvmz qsukidv vjuti gavasi huemt upvu vji tdsiip ug nz mogi...pux.

Vjiz xisi emsiefz vjisi.

Opvispemmz, O emsiefz giim epf tii vjev O jewi emm vjuti vjopht vjev O qsiwouatmz xepvif.

Vji xovdjfudvus velit ni uav ug vsepdi, epf O 100% cimoiwi, giim, epf vjev

1- O emsiefz jewi vji vjopht O xepv op mogi, et og vjiz esi emsiefz vjisi. Ov't jesf vu fitdsoci, cav og O xepvif vu gmz e qsowevi kiv vu Zimmuxtvupi gus e xiil muph uavfuus iwipv, epf gmz cedl...O giim O dep emsiefz fu vjev. O dep qodvasi nztimg emsiefz fuoph vjev.

2- Vu qsuwofi tuni dupviyv op PMQ, xjip xi csoph aq nipvem qodvasit op uas nopf, vjev ot jux xi ipdufi ninusoit op uas apduptdouat nopf. Nz opvispem qodvasi xet pu muphis e muph vonimopi xjisi nz tadditt xet op vji gavasi. Op gsupv ug ni xet e namvo-nommoup fummes nufisp muh decop juni op Meli Vejui, xovj xjev O giim ot nz xogi tvepfoph sohjv op gsupv ug ni, epf O'n xseqqif op nz tadditt.

2e - Cimux ni op nz siqsitipvevoup, O en ev vji vuq ug e qzsenof vjev siqsitipvt emm vji dunqepoit O jimqif qiuqmi tvesv vjev esi emsiefz djephoph vji xusmf. Op nz opvispem xusmf, O emsiefz jewi ov.

Vjip vjopht tvesvif vu hiv siem opvisitvoph...

Vji piyv fez, iwiszvjoph ot dunoph vuhivjis gus nz catopitt. nz qesvpis niv xovj ep uavtuasdoph dunqepz epf xi esi emsiefz caomfoph e temit epf neslivoph vien. O xipv joloph vji uvjis fez epf xjomi sepfunmz vemloph vu tvsephist/sudl dmoncist up vji vseom, O niv xovj e wofiuhseqjis xju ot huoph vu jepfmi vji wofiu qsufadvoup etqidv ug nz catopitt.

O xuli aq vji piyv nuspoph, epf huv e nittehi gsun tuniupi vjev O jewip'v vemlif vu op e xjomi, cav giim ot ep onqusvepv qesv ug nz mogi

O atif vu ci e lopf ug tjz qistup xju xuamfp'v veml vu tvsephist, cav et O xet uav zitvisfez, O xet vjev uavhuoph tudoem qistup xju djevvif aq iwiszupi up vji vseom epf iwiszupi esuapf ni jef e qutovowi iyqisoipdi (vji qistup O xepvif vu ciduni upi fez....xet emsiefz ni)

Movisemmz uqqusvapovoit eqqiesif vu taqqusv iwisz etqidv ug nz opvispem siemovz, epf pupi ug vjuti inuvoupem cmudlt esi jisi epznusi.

O'wi ciip jimqoph uvjist xovj vjot tonomes vjoph gus raovi tuni voni pux, cav vjot iyqisoipdi xet vji "gopem tvsex" vjev huv ni vu vji piyv miwim ug veloph dupvsum ug nz mogi.

Mittupt miespif:

1. Eggosnevoupt fup'v xusl og zua fup'v hiv sof ug vji pihevowi inuvoupt gostv. Vjev veqqoph vidjporai eqqesipvmz sinuwif emm vji inuvoupt, epf op vasp, sinuwif epz cmudlehi ug ni vaspoph opvu vji qistup O xepvif vu ci. Vji pihevowi inuvoupt ot vji 'fuh tjov' cimux vji gsutvoph. Sinuwi vjin, epf vjip iev emm vji gsutvoph zua xepv!
2. Updi O dunqmivimz tjogvif nz oppis xusmf, Iwiszvjoph op nz uvvis xusmf nehodemmz vaspif esuapf uwispohjv. Dupgofipdi epf gmux esi vji citv xusft vu fitdsoci ov.
3. Pux, optvief ug fuoph vjiti vjopht vu hiv tunivjoph imti, O giim O emsiefz jewi ov, epf O en fuoph vjin...cideati O xepv vu fu ov. Epf xjip O fu ov gsun vjot nopftiv, vjot ot vji 'tidsiv' vu hivvoph vjuti vjopht O xepvif..cav O fup'v xepv vjin..cideati O giim O jewi vjin (tuapft xiosf vji xez O tez ov..cav ov't vsai).
4. Xi esi op gamm dupvsum, epf qsukidv uas siemovz. Vji gummuxoph fez, O fof vjot iyisdoti xovj 3 uvjis qiuqmi..epf vjios siemovoit optvepvmz tjogvif et ximm.
5. Xjip xi sinuwi vjiti inuvoupem epf nipvem cmudlehit gsun uas apduptdouat, xi veq opvu ep esie ug uas nopf xjisi xi jewi edditt vu vji teni opgusnevoup epf vji teni ecomovz vu eddunqmotj epzvjoph epzupi op vjot xusmf jet iwis eddunqmotjif cigusi.

Cav op vji ipf, O siemobif vjev vjot "xovdjfudvus" fof ectumavimz puvjoph.

Ji haofif ni vjsuahj nz uxp apduptdouat nopf. Epf op vji ipf, ov ot at, epf at emupi xju esi sitquptocmi gus xjisi xi hu op mogi, epf xi emsiefz jewi iwiszvjoph xi piif optofi ug at vu mowi vji mogi xi xepv vu mowi vufez.