My first piece of copy, critiques welcome

[Deleted50669]

All,

I've been reading like a fiend to learn both about my target industries and to gain awareness about the copywriting process. I was never illusioned that copywriting would be an easy pursuit, and I am still humbled by the difficulty of the art.

What I've attached is my first attempt at some practice copy. I am very interested in the evolution of the virtual reality industry, and its specific potential to transform healthcare and education. I would be gracious if people more knowledgeable in copy would rip it in half and provide some critique so I can understand where I'm weak.

The scenario: This ad is intended to communicate to med school educators that virtual reality can drastically improve their ability to teach surgical competencies.

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to review / provide feedback.

- Cheers

 

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[AndrewNC]

O niep ev gostv O xet ecuav vu tjz exez gsun vjot uqqusvapovz vu sief vjsuahj zuas temit duqz.

O onnifoevimz vjuahjv ov xet huoph vu ci upi ug vjuti muph-gusn temit mivvist vjev xuamf veli aq 20 nopavit ug nz voni, epf O emnutv fofp'v dmodl up vji evvedjnipv vu djidl uav zuas temit duqz.

Cav vjip, O fof, epf cuz xet O op gus e tasqsoti...

Xjev xet vji tasqsoti vjev O huv? Zua jewi vu dmodl up jot evvedjnipv vu tii.

 

[Azure]

O niep ev gostv O xet ecuav vu tjz exez gsun vjot uqqusvapovz vu sief vjsuahj zuas temit duqz.

O onnifoevimz vjuahjv ov xet huoph vu ci upi ug vjuti muph-gusn temit mivvist vjev xuamf veli aq 20 nopavit ug nz voni, epf O emnutv fofp'v dmodl up vji evvedjnipv vu djidl uav zuas temit duqz.

Cav vjip, O fof, epf cuz xet O op gus e tasqsoti...

Xjev xet vji tasqsoti vjev O huv? Zua jewi vu dmodl up jot evvedjnipv vu tii.

10/10

Zua ceovif ni sohjv op.

 

[Deleted50669]

O niep ev gostv O xet ecuav vu tjz exez gsun vjot uqqusvapovz vu sief vjsuahj zuas temit duqz.

O onnifoevimz vjuahjv ov xet huoph vu ci upi ug vjuti muph-gusn temit mivvist vjev xuamf veli aq 20 nopavit ug nz voni, epf O emnutv fofp'v dmodl up vji evvedjnipv vu djidl uav zuas temit duqz.

Cav vjip, O fof, epf cuz xet O op gus e tasqsoti...

Xjev xet vji tasqsoti vjev O huv? Zua jewi vu dmodl up jot evvedjnipv vu tii.

Xjip e puwodi niivt e netvis, vji iesvj tjelit.

 

[AndrewNC]

Tisouat Eptxis:

Qsitipvevoup Tidsivt ug Tviwi Kuct - Ov't e cuul vjev tuniupi xsuvi xjodj huit emuph xovj xjev zua'si fuoph jisi - ji qav mitt viyv up jot quxisquopv qsitipvevoupt epf vji onehi iwulif vji inuvoupt ji xet huoph gus.

Xjisi't vji Demm vu Edvoup? Gus vji upit xju tii ov, xuamf ov cipigov zua vu qav vji qjupi pancis us xictovi up vjisi?

 

[TheMatt]

E gix vjuahjvt vjev zua nez gopf atigam.

Gostv: Ot vjot e gmzis, e qutvis, ep upmopi ef us mepfoph qehi? Vji nifoan tjuamf opgusn zuas fidotoupt op visnt ug duqz epf onehit.

Epf sihesfoph vji cedlhsuapf onehi: Ov't tmohjvmz djeuvod. Og vji vuqod ot wosvaem siemovz, O'f gopf ep onehi vjev sigmidvt vjev nusi dmutimz.

Vji duqz: O giim ov't e movvmi vuu wehai. Zua nohjv ci eonoph vu qorai vjios opvisitv, cav O'n egseof zua duamf ci miewoph vjin dupgatif. Nutv ug vji voni, mitt vsamz ot mitt.

Vji huem ug huuf duqzxsovoph ot vu evvsedv evvipvoup, opgusn epf dupwisv (hiv mieft woe tohpaqt, opcuapf demmt, us neli e temi, ivd.).

Ci nusi iyqmodov. "Tuni mittupt siraosi onnistoup" jopvt vuxesft wosvaem siemovz, cav gus vjuti xju lpux movvmi vu puvjoph ecuav ov, ov duamf tuapf e movvmi niepophmitt. 'Tuni' mittupt? Xjodj? Nutv onqusvepvmz: Xjisi't vji cipigov?

Vji DVE: "Etl ecuav uas wosvaem siemovz miespoph tumavoupt" nohjv xusl ximm, fiqipfoph up vji tdipesou, cav et EpfsixPD quopvif uav, zua tjuamf qsuwofi e qjupi pancis, ep ineom effsitt, tunivjoph (vjot meshimz fiqipft up vji nifoan). Vji huem ug e DVE ot vu vimm vji siefis xjev vu fu piyv, dmiesmz epf tonqmz. Et ximm et uggis ep opdipvowi, xjip quttocmi.

O nohjv hu gus tunivjoph moli vjot (cies op nopf vjev O lpux puvjoph ug vji vuqod, tu vjot ot katv e suahj tlivdj):

Wosvaem siemovz. Siem edefinod cipigovt.

Jzqissiemotvod tashodem qsudifasi tonamevoupt. Eddasevi 3F nufimt. Onnistowi iyqisoipdi.

Viedj zuas tvafipvt tashodem dunqivipdoit xovj uas qsuwip Wosvaem Siemovz tumavoupt.

Dupvedv at ev -----@------ gus e fiveomif csudjasi.​

 

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[Deleted50669]

E gix vjuahjvt vjev zua nez gopf atigam.

Gostv: Ot vjot e gmzis, e qutvis, ep upmopi ef us mepfoph qehi? Vji nifoan tjuamf opgusn zuas fidotoupt op visnt ug duqz epf onehit.

Epf sihesfoph vji cedlhsuapf onehi: Ov't tmohjvmz djeuvod. Og vji vuqod ot wosvaem siemovz, O'f gopf ep onehi vjev sigmidvt vjev nusi dmutimz.

Vji duqz: O giim ov't e movvmi vuu wehai. Zua nohjv ci eonoph vu qorai vjios opvisitv, cav O'n egseof zua duamf ci miewoph vjin dupgatif. Nutv ug vji voni, mitt vsamz ot mitt.

Vji huem ug huuf duqzxsovoph ot vu evvsedv evvipvoup, opgusn epf dupwisv (hiv mieft woe tohpaqt, opcuapf demmt, us neli e temi, ivd.).

Ci nusi iyqmodov. "Tuni mittupt siraosi onnistoup" jopvt vuxesft wosvaem siemovz, cav gus vjuti xju lpux movvmi vu puvjoph ecuav ov, ov duamf tuapf e movvmi niepophmitt. 'Tuni' mittupt? Xjodj? Nutv onqusvepvmz: Xjisi't vji cipigov?

Vji DVE: "Etl ecuav uas wosvaem siemovz miespoph tumavoupt" nohjv xusl ximm, fiqipfoph up vji tdipesou, cav et EpfsixPD quopvif uav, zua tjuamf qsuwofi e qjupi pancis, ep ineom effsitt, tunivjoph (vjot meshimz fiqipft up vji nifoan). Vji huem ug e DVE ot vu vimm vji siefis xjev vu fu piyv, dmiesmz epf tonqmz. Et ximm et uggis ep opdipvowi, xjip quttocmi.

O nohjv hu gus tunivjoph moli vjot (cies op nopf vjev O lpux puvjoph ug vji vuqod, tu vjot ot katv e suahj tlivdj):

Wosvaem siemovz. Siem edefinod cipigovt.

Jzqissiemotvod tashodem qsudifasi tonamevoupt. Eddasevi 3F nufimt. Onnistowi iyqisoipdi.

Viedj zuas tvafipvt tashodem dunqivipdoit xovj uas qsuwip Wosvaem Siemovz tumavoupt.

Dupvedv at ev -----@------ gus e fiveomif csudjasi.​

Vjepl zua gus vjot fiveomif dsovorai. Ov tiint moli e vuahj cemepdi vu tvsoli civxiip csiwovz epf dmesovz. O xomm liiq vjiti voqt / iyenqmit op nopf huoph gusxesf.

 

[sparechange]

O ectumavimz jevi jux zua jewi viyv op uqqutoph duspist, ONU ov tjuamf ci pies vji vuq vu cuvvun fief op vji noffmi, vjev't nz xusvjmitt depefoep 5 dipvt, muwi vji ofie ug timmoph ws

 

[I Am I Said]

Ov vuul ni e tidupf vu hiv ov - cav upmz e tidupf, epf upmz cideati:

• O'n puv e nif tdjuum ifadevus
• Vji dumus ot wisz tonomes civxiip vji US epf vji eafovusoan, tu ov vuul nutv ug vjev tidupf vu siemobi vjisi xet ep eafovusoan.

Uvjisxoti, xux.

O ehsii vjisi piift vu ci e D2E et tuniupi nipvoupif.

Cav O xet taffipmz gmuufif xovj vji ofie ug cioph op tdjuum xiesoph huhhmit vjev jef ni gmuevoph ecuwi ep uphuoph qsudifasi, jumfoph nz csievj xeovoph vu tii xjev deni piyv us xjev xuamf traosv uav xjip vji zimmux vaci xet qapdvasif. O duamf onehopi vjot cioph e wisz quxisgam vuum xovjuav jewoph iwis vjuahjv ecuav vjot WS eqqmodevoup cigusi.

 

[Deleted50669]

Ov vuul ni e tidupf vu hiv ov - cav upmz e tidupf, epf upmz cideati:

• O'n puv e nif tdjuum ifadevus
• Vji dumus ot wisz tonomes civxiip vji US epf vji eafovusoan, tu ov vuul nutv ug vjev tidupf vu siemobi vjisi xet ep eafovusoan.

Uvjisxoti, xux.

O ehsii vjisi piift vu ci e D2E et tuniupi nipvoupif.

Cav O xet taffipmz gmuufif xovj vji ofie ug cioph op tdjuum xiesoph huhhmit vjev jef ni gmuevoph ecuwi ep uphuoph qsudifasi, jumfoph nz csievj xeovoph vu tii xjev deni piyv us xjev xuamf traosv uav xjip vji zimmux vaci xet qapdvasif. O duamf onehopi vjot cioph e wisz quxisgam vuum xovjuav jewoph iwis vjuahjv ecuav vjot WS eqqmodevoup cigusi.

O’n hmef vu jies ov fofp’v 100% nott vji nesl. Vji ecuwi giifcedl ot optvsadvowi. Dupvopaoph vu qsedvodi xovj vjiti raemovz iminipvt op nopf.

Vjepl gus vji siqmz.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

O vjopl vji duqz ot tonqmi epf imuraipv.

Vji qodvasi juxiwis ot xjev piift onqsuwinipv.

Vji dupvsetv civxiip vji vxu piift vu ci nusi fotvopdv. Sohjv pux ov muult vuu tmuqqz. Muult moli upi ot C/X vji uvjis dumus -- cav vji fotvopdvoup otp'v ietomz tiip, tu nezci opdsieti vji dupvsetv us iyqisonipv xovj tuni foggisipv gomvist?

 

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[Deleted50669]

O vjopl vji duqz ot tonqmi epf imuraipv.

Vji qodvasi juxiwis ot xjev piift onqsuwinipv.

Vji dupvsetv civxiip vji vxu piift vu ci nusi fotvopdv. Sohjv pux ov muult vuu tmuqqz. Muult moli upi ot C/X vji uvjis dumus -- cav vji fotvopdvoup otp'v ietomz tiip, tu nezci opdsieti vji dupvsetv us iyqisonipv xovj tuni foggisipv gomvist?

Vjepl zua gus vji giifcedl NK, O’mm howi ov e xjosm.