To do 'everything' for free and feel bad for taking money

[JuliaLV]

I don't know if anyone here has the same 'problem'. I hope there is. Then my post could be helpful.

I'm a person who does 'everything' for free and feels bad for taking money. Stupid, I know. I guess I like the 'oh look at me - I'm such a good person' feeling.
I didn't really see it until this night. Here is what happened.

Customer complained. A lot. Then he handed me money and asked to personally make sure 'everything' goes well for his client. At first I was happy to receive a tip (biggest I got at this job) and then
-> it didn't feel 'right'. I decided to give half of the tip to my colleague (who has an important role in 'getting things done' for the client)
-> I was tempted to give away all of it. Thought of giving away all the money was relieving.
Relieving
Does entrepreneur supposed to think/feel like this?

Possible explanation -
a) 'nice person syndrome' = I'm willing to invest everything into helping the customer (bigger tip would motivate my colleague to do a better job)
b) acting out of fear = I'm trying to get rid of a responsibility. If something goes wrong I can tell myself - see, I've done all I could. I even gave away all the money.

For years I've been helping people for free (for example, I organize events at least once a month) and I cringe to even think about asking money for it. Now I see what hides behind it.
Fear.
And need to feel special.

Goal -
To ‘attach’ money to what I do. Carefully. And see what happens!

P.S. I gave away half of the tip

 

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[Andy Black]

I don't know if anyone here has the same 'problem'. I hope there is. Then my post could be helpful.

I'm a person who does 'everything' for free and feels bad for taking money. Stupid, I know. I guess I like the 'oh look at me - I'm such a good person' feeling.
I didn't really see it until this night. Here is what happened.

Customer complained. A lot. Then he handed me money and asked to personally make sure 'everything' goes well for his client. At first I was happy to receive a tip (biggest I got at this job) and then
-> it didn't feel 'right'. I decided to give half of the tip to my colleague (who has an important role in 'getting things done' for the client)
-> I was tempted to give away all of it. Thought of giving away all the money was relieving.
Relieving
Does entrepreneur supposed to think/feel like this?

Possible explanation -
a) 'nice person syndrome' = I'm willing to invest everything into helping the customer (bigger tip would motivate my colleague to do a better job)
b) acting out of fear = I'm trying to get rid of a responsibility. If something goes wrong I can tell myself - see, I've done all I could. I even gave away all the money.

For years I've been helping people for free (for example, I organize events at least once a month) and I cringe to even think about asking money for it. Now I see what hides behind it.
Fear.
And need to feel special.

Goal -
To ‘attach’ money to what I do. Carefully. And see what happens!

P.S. I gave away half of the tip

One of my favourite lines:

"Money is proof you helped your fellow man."


It's obviously a simplification, but I find it a helpful way of looking at money.


I agree that not taking money can be a way of avoiding responsibility. Often I'll do something for free, so there is no comeback.

 

[JokerCrazyBeatz]

Who's to say whats right or wrong ? With that mentality its obviously easier for you to focus on providing value to your clients instead of just being about the money . BUT if you want to have a successful business you will have to bring in some kind of money value into the way you move. Since you dont like taking money you can take all the money you receive and re-invest it all back into your business . This is a proactive way to look at it .

AND also with your way of thinking it will probably trickle down to you giving your customers the best prices for services or being able to work with smaller clients with not so big budgets

 

[CaptainAmerica]

You might want to read 'Affluence Intelligence'.

I used to be the person that people forgot. You know, when they're handing out accolades and bonuses...."and I know there are more of you who helped in really critical ways - thank you all!" Yeah, that doesn't pay the mortgage, even if I did help put the startup on the map.

So now, I toot my own horn. I don't just track what I've done for someone, I tell them about it. I conflate my role to potential customers. My personal value isn't predicated on my value to the customer. The value I provide for them is what makes the whole economy float.

By not accepting money, you're relinquishing responsibility to economic growth and stability. It only works if it's moving, and our role is to keep it moving.

I think you're mixing up personal value and value to the marketplace. They are only tangentially related. Your passion and knowledge and skill are part of you, and you bring that to customers in very specific ways. They show how much they value your contribution with cold hard cash. You're still you, regardless of whether you bring it or not. But you're letting down your end of the deal if you bring it and then refuse their gift.

Let me ask you this, do you deny straight up compliments? "Hey, JuliaLV, you're sure looking fly today!" (or the Latvian equivalent) Do you say 'thank you', or brush it off?

Did you tell your coworker what happened? If not, you can go back and tell them how you were looking out for their best interest as well as the customer. Then go to the boss and say the same thing.

 

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[JuliaLV]

@Andy Black

"Money is proof you helped your fellow man."

will keep this in mind, thank you!

@JokerCrazyBeatz

you can take all the money you receive and re-invest it all back into your business

sure! That's what I've been doing

being able to work with smaller clients with not so big budgets

this made me think. Am I 'thinking small'? If so - I will find a way to change it!

@CaptainAmerica

You might want to read 'Affluence Intelligence'

I will add it to my library.

So now, I toot my own horn. I don't just track what I've done for someone, I tell them about it. I conflate my role to potential customers. My personal value isn't predicated on my value to the customer. The value I provide for them is what makes the whole economy float.

You are right. This is exactly what I need to work on. I can start by telling my boss all the extra job I did to 'save the day' last night.

I think you're mixing up personal value and value to the marketplace. They are only tangentially related. Your passion and knowledge and skill are part of you, and you bring that to customers in very specific ways. They show how much they value your contribution with cold hard cash. You're still you, regardless of whether you bring it or not. But you're letting down your end of the deal if you bring it and then refuse their gift.

I've reread this part 5 times (so far). This is something I haven't thought about. Very valuable. Thank you!

Let me ask you this, do you deny straight up compliments?

I've learned to accept them and looks like I have to continue learning to accept different kind of gifts.

Thank you for your insight! I will reread these posts tomorrow (in case I missed something)

 

[Andy Black]

@Andy Black

will keep this in mind, thank you!

@JokerCrazyBeatz

sure! That's what I've been doing

this made me think. Am I 'thinking small'? If so - I will find a way to change it!

@CaptainAmerica

I will add it to my library.

You are right. This is exactly what I need to work on. I can start by telling my boss all the extra job I did to 'save the day' last night.

I've reread this part 5 times (so far). This is something I haven't thought about. Very valuable. Thank you!

I've learned to accept them and looks like I have to continue learning to accept different kind of gifts.

Thank you for your insight! I will reread these posts tomorrow (in case I missed something)

Nice reply. Well done.

 

[V8Bill]

It's probably more "please love me" than "look at me I'm such a good person" but either way it comes from a good place. I like that you shared the tip with your colleague.

Sometimes by denying the person the gift of paying you you're denying them their right to support you which they might enjoy a lot. I had a friend who made food for a living. Every time I went to support his business he'd want to offer me free food "I don't want your money, your money's no good here"...etc but I really wanted to support him not cut into his profit. Eventually I stopped going there because it was embarrassing. He'd denied me my right to support his business.

If people want to give you money - let them. Sometimes, it's more than just money. It's a vote of confidence. You're accepting their faith and belief in you and with your attitude of wanting to offer great value everyone wins. Accept it graciously maybe with one push back or an "are you sure?!". Then offer more value than they expected to create another value imbalance (in your favor) so they return or tell others.

 

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[Anon38776]

I feel like this.

Rewrote copy for a watch seller. Still didn't like it and refused payment until I rewrite it to my satisfaction.

The client was satisfied with the copy. I imagine this is what impostor syndrome feels like.

 

[JuliaLV]

@V8Bill

It's probably more "please love me" than "look at me I'm such a good person"

I agree. 'Please love me' is a root of it :embarrased:

Sometimes by denying the person the gift of paying you you're denying them their right to support you which they might enjoy a lot. I had a friend who made food for a living. Every time I went to support his business he'd want to offer me free food "I don't want your money, your money's no good here"...etc but I really wanted to support him not cut into his profit. Eventually I stopped going there because it was embarrassing. He'd denied me my right to support his business.

Great example. I will remember it next time someone offers me money and I feel bad about it

@Taykamant

I imagine this is what impostor syndrome feels like.

I googled ''impostor syndrome" -
Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome) is a term coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud".[1] Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. Some studies suggest that impostor syndrome is particularly common among high-achieving women. /h ttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome#Therapy /

Sounds like me. I had no idea there is such a syndrome. It's a distorted way of thinking and I want to change it.
I will definitely change it

Thank you all for the awesome insight!

 

[JoeB]

I've used all kinds of services and freelancers over the years, from those who want to help for free up to those that charge far too much.

Every single time I would rather pay someone for their work.

Why?

A few reasons:

If I found out what they did wasn't quite right/needed changing then I have more of a right to get it fixed than if they did me a favour.
I am more able to set deadlines/expectations
There is no awkwardness in asking for things to be done/changed repeatedly
If they are good I want them to still be around when I next need their help (free doesn't pay the bills)

They might think they are doing me a favour by doing it for free but they are not, they are just reducing how effective I can be in getting the result I want.

 

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[Get Right]

You might have a distorted view of what "money" really is. I took an NLP workshop to help re-frame what "money" actually is to me...and I am very happy with the results.

 

[ZCP]

With more money, you are in a better position to help others.

 

[AndrewNC]

I don't know if anyone here has the same 'problem'. I hope there is. Then my post could be helpful.

I'm a person who does 'everything' for free and feels bad for taking money. Stupid, I know. I guess I like the 'oh look at me - I'm such a good person' feeling.
I didn't really see it until this night. Here is what happened.

Customer complained. A lot. Then he handed me money and asked to personally make sure 'everything' goes well for his client. At first I was happy to receive a tip (biggest I got at this job) and then
-> it didn't feel 'right'. I decided to give half of the tip to my colleague (who has an important role in 'getting things done' for the client)
-> I was tempted to give away all of it. Thought of giving away all the money was relieving.
Relieving
Does entrepreneur supposed to think/feel like this?

Possible explanation -
a) 'nice person syndrome' = I'm willing to invest everything into helping the customer (bigger tip would motivate my colleague to do a better job)
b) acting out of fear = I'm trying to get rid of a responsibility. If something goes wrong I can tell myself - see, I've done all I could. I even gave away all the money.

For years I've been helping people for free (for example, I organize events at least once a month) and I cringe to even think about asking money for it. Now I see what hides behind it.
Fear.
And need to feel special.

Goal -
To ‘attach’ money to what I do. Carefully. And see what happens!

P.S. I gave away half of the tip

I went through this same struggle. I felt bad selling one of my first training courses to people.

Then my first customer said "No, when I pay money, I am invested in my own success...if I take a free course, I am not invested and I don't get results"

His business is doing very well now. And that put it into perspective.

This might work best for you:

Up until now, you wanted to give more than you take. You were trained from birth not to be greedy. You don't want to take more than you give.

But when you give more than you take, it is not fair either.

Doesn't it make much more sense to have an equal exchange of value?

 

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[Andy Black]

Sometimes by denying the person the gift of paying you you're denying them their right to support you which they might enjoy a lot. I had a friend who made food for a living. Every time I went to support his business he'd want to offer me free food "I don't want your money, your money's no good here"...etc but I really wanted to support him not cut into his profit. Eventually I stopped going there because it was embarrassing. He'd denied me my right to support his business.

If people want to give you money - let them. Sometimes, it's more than just money. It's a vote of confidence. You're accepting their faith and belief in you and with your attitude of wanting to offer great value everyone wins. Accept it graciously maybe with one push back or an "are you sure?!". Then offer more value than they expected to create another value imbalance (in your favor) so they return or tell others.

^^ This.

Do you ever give a compliment to someone and they just won't take it?

Or offer to buy someone a coffee and they insist they pay their own?

That person denied *you* the pleasure of giving.

Up until now, you wanted to give more than you take. You were trained from birth not to be greedy. You don't want to take more than you give.

But when you give more than you take, it is not fair either.

Doesn't it make much more sense to have an equal exchange of value?

I like Gary Vee's take on it: Give 51%. Get 49%.

 

[Andy Black]

With more money, you are in a better position to help others.

Yeah... "Put on your own oxygen mask first."

 

[CaptainAmerica]

Here's an example for you:
My editor decided to travel. Like, forever. She's self-employed, and relies on her customers to pay her salary. I get to live vicariously through her blog posts. Her family and friends support her by reading her posts and being excited for her. In order to support her travels, I pay her. She posts photos of her working - and it's always my stuff she's working on. Without client's continued patronage, she'd still be stuck in Nowhere, Oregon. The cash frees her to travel - and because she's getting what she needs, she does better work. It's all part of the cycle.

You need to be part of the economic cycle, both giving and receiving.

 

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[biophase]

This is a good listen for you:

http://fourhourworkweek.com/2016/06/15/how-creatives-should-negotiate/

 

[JuliaLV]

@JoeB

They might think they are doing me a favour by doing it for free but they are not, they are just reducing how effective I can be in getting the result I want.

I can't believe I didn't see it myself. You are right! Thank you!

@Get Right

You might have a distorted view of what "money" really is. I took an NLP workshop to help re-frame what "money" actually is to me...and I am very happy with the results.

Could be that part of me still thinks money is 'bad' (many people suffer from not having enough) and 'not spiritual'. Three years ago I was sure money is 'dirty' and 'bad' and it's better not to think about it at all. I've been working on changing it and looks like I'm still in the process.
I will look for NLP courses in Riga. We have NLP center so I just need to find course about money. Thank you!

@ZCP

With more money, you are in a better position to help others.

Great point!

@AndrewNC

"No, when I pay money, I am invested in my own success...if I take a free course, I am not invested and I don't get results"

This is an awesome example. People don't 'give away' money, they invest in themselves, in their comfort or pleasure etc. So simple and true!

You were trained from birth not to be greedy.

Yeap. Not to be greedy and much more. At least I have something to work on now!

@Andy Black

Or offer to buy someone a coffee and they insist they pay their own?
That person denied *you* the pleasure of giving.

I see! Have been both denied to and one who denied. Makes perfect sense!

I like Gary Vee's take on it: Give 51%. Get 49%.

Me too. Equal exchange is good and giving a bit more is even better. @AndrewNC

@CaptainAmerica

You need to be part of the economic cycle, both giving and receiving.

Great example, thank you! One (giving) doesn't work without the other (receiving). I'm listening to the audio book you suggested. So far it's great!

@biophase

This is a good listen for you:

I will definitely explore the webpage and listen to the podcast. Thank you!

There are so much value and support! You are awesome

 

[Andy Black]

@JuliaLV ... Replying to responders like a boss...

 

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[JuliaLV]

@JuliaLV ... Replying to responders like a boss...

Haha [emoji2] I'm going to be a boss some day for sure [emoji4]

Sent from my LG-D722 using Tapatalk

 

[V8Bill]

@JuliaLV ... Replying to responders like a boss...

I was just thinking the same thing. @JuliaLV check your inbox.

 

[JuliaLV]

I was just thinking the same thing. @JuliaLV check your inbox.

Thank you Bill for the gift! As a 'good sponge' I will take in all the awesome advice you have shared in the book and audiobook / http://www.ultimatemoneymindset.com/ /

 

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[Andy Black]

Thank you Bill for the gift! As a 'good sponge' I will take in all the awesome advice you have shared in the book and audiobook / http://www.ultimatemoneymindset.com/ /

Glad you didn't hand it back to Bill.

Good man Bill.

 

[JuliaLV]

Glad you didn't hand it back to Bill.

Good point, Andy. To be totally honest - I was tempted to hand it back ^^
New mantra -it's actually not kind to reject a gift- saved the day

 

[V8Bill]

Thank you Bill for the gift! As a 'good sponge' I will take in all the awesome advice you have shared in the book and audiobook / http://www.ultimatemoneymindset.com/ /

Cool, you're welcome. I think you'll enjoy it and it gave me a buzz to gift it to you so...we all win.

 

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