Guys, I need a reality check.
I'm frustrated with my mindset. I know that I need a complete paradigm shift in my thinking process. Let me start off with my background.
I'm 24 years old. Under the guise of "trying to find a profession I love" for 6 years, I've accomplished nothing. During those six years, I F*cked around for 2-3 years trying to decide what I wanted to do as a career. Initially, I changed my path for a career three times. I finally decided in attending a two-year computing program, but alas, I didn't even last two terms. I dropped out and I was absolutely devastated. I had utterly failed, so I blamed everything on everything else instead of thinking what I could have done wrong. I couldn't believe this shit was happening to me. After going through the effort of upgrading courses just to get admitted, I didn't even make it halfway through the program. Pathetic. That's what I thought. I knew exactly why I had dropped out but I was purposely in denial. My ego blinded me from admitting it and it would blind me again. Shortly after, I forced myself to attend another 6-month web developer program because of peer pressure from my parents. This time, wanting to avoid failure at all costs, I completed this program successfully, but seeing as how I thought I knew most of the material, I got cocky and ended up half-assing the program. By the end of the program, the portfolios of my classmates were miles better than what I had managed to scratch up.
Unfortunately, after I finished the program, my mom became extremely ill and again, I took that shit personally. I couldn't believe terrible shit was happening to me AGAIN. My extremely egocentric sheltered a$$ was in disbelief that something like this could happen in MY life. And so, I drowned myself in self-pity for nearly a year. To get my mind off things, I took time to sharpen my web design skills with online courses so I could build a portfolio, get a job, and move the F*ck out of my parents’ house ASAP...but I never did in the end because of massive imposter syndrome/depression. Here I wasted almost a year, convincing myself that I was making a portfolio to apply for jobs. During this period, I also got a warehouse job. Needless to say, I F*cking hated it and quit after 4 months. Once I realized that I literally could not get myself to finish my portfolio much less have the courage to apply for any web related job, I decided to go attend college part-time for computer science. And now I'm slowly chipping away at getting that glorified piece of paper.
During this time, my health declined rapidly, and my energy levels are astronomically low compared to even two years ago.
What can I say guys, I'm fed up with my mediocrity. In all this, I see such small levels of effort in everything I do. I feel like I don't even know how it is to work hard at something. Even now, I'm taking two courses and I'm honestly F*cking terrified of taking more than that. I've grown up somehow with this mindset of elitism, of minimalist effort and I can't F*cking change it. I want to make a lot of money, and yet, I look down on minimum wage jobs and physical work. Above all, I KNOW that it defies all logic and I know that I'm wrong. But I still identify with these values. My parents are absolute angels in that they'll let me live at home for as long as possible, but I know this is a lack of discipline in their part by being too lax with me. I have become too comfortable with living and I'm afraid of taking risks. I've regressed into a shell and no one will tell me otherwise, which is why I've come here as a last resort.
I realize that this might not be the best place to unload all my insecurities, but I do so knowing that I might get a harsh dose of reality from you, the fastlane forum, Masters of the Hardknock Life.
I appreciate each and every comment, thank you for reading
*EDIT:
Seriously, holy shit. Thank you to each and every one of you. I don't know what to say. All this advice is quite literally life changing and everyone here is generous enough to give it away. If what I'm feeling right now is how it feels to receive true value from others, this gives me all the more reason to provide it for others as well.
*NOTE: I really want to address every one of your comments but I really need to focus on my exams. So I'll come back to address them after a week or two.
I'm frustrated with my mindset. I know that I need a complete paradigm shift in my thinking process. Let me start off with my background.
I'm 24 years old. Under the guise of "trying to find a profession I love" for 6 years, I've accomplished nothing. During those six years, I F*cked around for 2-3 years trying to decide what I wanted to do as a career. Initially, I changed my path for a career three times. I finally decided in attending a two-year computing program, but alas, I didn't even last two terms. I dropped out and I was absolutely devastated. I had utterly failed, so I blamed everything on everything else instead of thinking what I could have done wrong. I couldn't believe this shit was happening to me. After going through the effort of upgrading courses just to get admitted, I didn't even make it halfway through the program. Pathetic. That's what I thought. I knew exactly why I had dropped out but I was purposely in denial. My ego blinded me from admitting it and it would blind me again. Shortly after, I forced myself to attend another 6-month web developer program because of peer pressure from my parents. This time, wanting to avoid failure at all costs, I completed this program successfully, but seeing as how I thought I knew most of the material, I got cocky and ended up half-assing the program. By the end of the program, the portfolios of my classmates were miles better than what I had managed to scratch up.
Unfortunately, after I finished the program, my mom became extremely ill and again, I took that shit personally. I couldn't believe terrible shit was happening to me AGAIN. My extremely egocentric sheltered a$$ was in disbelief that something like this could happen in MY life. And so, I drowned myself in self-pity for nearly a year. To get my mind off things, I took time to sharpen my web design skills with online courses so I could build a portfolio, get a job, and move the F*ck out of my parents’ house ASAP...but I never did in the end because of massive imposter syndrome/depression. Here I wasted almost a year, convincing myself that I was making a portfolio to apply for jobs. During this period, I also got a warehouse job. Needless to say, I F*cking hated it and quit after 4 months. Once I realized that I literally could not get myself to finish my portfolio much less have the courage to apply for any web related job, I decided to go attend college part-time for computer science. And now I'm slowly chipping away at getting that glorified piece of paper.
During this time, my health declined rapidly, and my energy levels are astronomically low compared to even two years ago.
What can I say guys, I'm fed up with my mediocrity. In all this, I see such small levels of effort in everything I do. I feel like I don't even know how it is to work hard at something. Even now, I'm taking two courses and I'm honestly F*cking terrified of taking more than that. I've grown up somehow with this mindset of elitism, of minimalist effort and I can't F*cking change it. I want to make a lot of money, and yet, I look down on minimum wage jobs and physical work. Above all, I KNOW that it defies all logic and I know that I'm wrong. But I still identify with these values. My parents are absolute angels in that they'll let me live at home for as long as possible, but I know this is a lack of discipline in their part by being too lax with me. I have become too comfortable with living and I'm afraid of taking risks. I've regressed into a shell and no one will tell me otherwise, which is why I've come here as a last resort.
I realize that this might not be the best place to unload all my insecurities, but I do so knowing that I might get a harsh dose of reality from you, the fastlane forum, Masters of the Hardknock Life.
I appreciate each and every comment, thank you for reading
*EDIT:
Seriously, holy shit. Thank you to each and every one of you. I don't know what to say. All this advice is quite literally life changing and everyone here is generous enough to give it away. If what I'm feeling right now is how it feels to receive true value from others, this gives me all the more reason to provide it for others as well.
*NOTE: I really want to address every one of your comments but I really need to focus on my exams. So I'll come back to address them after a week or two.
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