In the face of death, all I have are regrets.
I got C0VlD-19 a few weeks ago and while I was lying on my bed, struggling to move and to even catch my breath, all I can even think about is the many times that I chickened out in experiencing the fullness of life. My mind was flooded with the guilt of not trying hard enough when I had the energy to work, to love, and to do the things that I want and need. And if my lungs were to collapse at that very moment, I'd say that I have officially wasted my life.
“What went wrong?” I asked myself, hoping that I can do something to reinvent myself and perhaps live better next time. After recollecting all the bad decisions that I made in my life, I found out three things that have been poison-pens that were preventing me from writing the best and authentic life possible.
1. Blame others for what you lack
If there’s one habit that has stuck during my teenage years, it’s probably to blame others especially for my insecurities.
It's easier to blame than to take responsibility. I failed the exam? It’s probably my teacher’s fault because he doesn’t teach well. A girl doesn't like me back? She’s probably the problem and she’s probably not smart anyway. My life sucks and I’m still broke? It’s my parents’ fault for making bad decisions in the past and raising me in a complicated situation.
I keep playing the blame game as if there’s something that I’ll win if I do so.
I keep on blaming without realizing I already lost before I have even played.
2. Overcompensate to hide what you lack
Knowing full well that I don’t have what I need and want sucks so I did my best to hide them by overcompensating.
Whenever life is making me feel miserable, whether it be from a failed exam, a heated conversation from someone, or even just realizing that I suck in general, I would overcompensate by just focusing on other things such video games, other relationships, or anything just to feel instantly gratified and realize that I’m still good at something.
I thought that I was still useful as long as I could give to others and make myself available all the time.
I thought that I could get away from my own problems by just solving others but in reality, I was just compounding mine.
3. Be the victim and continue lacking what you lack
When I feel as if I suck at something, I think that perhaps it’s just too hard and I’m just not cut out for it because I wasn’t “gifted” enough.
I remember trying out one hobby after another just to see if I’m good enough at something but I would immediately give up early in the process because I thought that someone will always be better than me anyway so there’s no point in trying. And when I would try learning a new skill but once I encountered a roadblock, I would stop and think that I’m not good enough.
“Maybe this world is just unfair for giving all the good things to others and not me,” I told myself every damn time.
Although the world can be unfair, I was more unfair to myself than the world will ever be.
I thought I was going to die when I first thought of all of these. Not only was the sickness killing me physically, but the guilt of not being able to do the right thing was also crippling me from the inside. Nonetheless, this is the only moment in my life that I realize that when death is knocking on your door, all failures, embarrassment and all the things you fear are nothing compared to the regret of not having to try and live the life that you want.
Fortunately though, death got bored knocking on my door and I recovered. Now that I'm well, I can start living the life that I want and start taking responsibility for my life. I’m also doing my best to re-align my way of thinking by constantly taking conscious actions to affirm my new positive identity.
While I’m still the same broke and frail 19-year old college student that I was, I believe I have a new direction now and I'm more willing to try and explore new things if it means that I'll be better in the process.
I have felt what it was like to die so now I'm going to do my best to feel what it’s like to take responsibility and live genuinely.
Hello everyone, and it's good to finally be here (as a contributor and not just a lurker). : )
I got C0VlD-19 a few weeks ago and while I was lying on my bed, struggling to move and to even catch my breath, all I can even think about is the many times that I chickened out in experiencing the fullness of life. My mind was flooded with the guilt of not trying hard enough when I had the energy to work, to love, and to do the things that I want and need. And if my lungs were to collapse at that very moment, I'd say that I have officially wasted my life.
“What went wrong?” I asked myself, hoping that I can do something to reinvent myself and perhaps live better next time. After recollecting all the bad decisions that I made in my life, I found out three things that have been poison-pens that were preventing me from writing the best and authentic life possible.
1. Blame others for what you lack
If there’s one habit that has stuck during my teenage years, it’s probably to blame others especially for my insecurities.
It's easier to blame than to take responsibility. I failed the exam? It’s probably my teacher’s fault because he doesn’t teach well. A girl doesn't like me back? She’s probably the problem and she’s probably not smart anyway. My life sucks and I’m still broke? It’s my parents’ fault for making bad decisions in the past and raising me in a complicated situation.
I keep playing the blame game as if there’s something that I’ll win if I do so.
I keep on blaming without realizing I already lost before I have even played.
2. Overcompensate to hide what you lack
Knowing full well that I don’t have what I need and want sucks so I did my best to hide them by overcompensating.
Whenever life is making me feel miserable, whether it be from a failed exam, a heated conversation from someone, or even just realizing that I suck in general, I would overcompensate by just focusing on other things such video games, other relationships, or anything just to feel instantly gratified and realize that I’m still good at something.
I thought that I was still useful as long as I could give to others and make myself available all the time.
I thought that I could get away from my own problems by just solving others but in reality, I was just compounding mine.
3. Be the victim and continue lacking what you lack
When I feel as if I suck at something, I think that perhaps it’s just too hard and I’m just not cut out for it because I wasn’t “gifted” enough.
I remember trying out one hobby after another just to see if I’m good enough at something but I would immediately give up early in the process because I thought that someone will always be better than me anyway so there’s no point in trying. And when I would try learning a new skill but once I encountered a roadblock, I would stop and think that I’m not good enough.
“Maybe this world is just unfair for giving all the good things to others and not me,” I told myself every damn time.
Although the world can be unfair, I was more unfair to myself than the world will ever be.
I thought I was going to die when I first thought of all of these. Not only was the sickness killing me physically, but the guilt of not being able to do the right thing was also crippling me from the inside. Nonetheless, this is the only moment in my life that I realize that when death is knocking on your door, all failures, embarrassment and all the things you fear are nothing compared to the regret of not having to try and live the life that you want.
Fortunately though, death got bored knocking on my door and I recovered. Now that I'm well, I can start living the life that I want and start taking responsibility for my life. I’m also doing my best to re-align my way of thinking by constantly taking conscious actions to affirm my new positive identity.
While I’m still the same broke and frail 19-year old college student that I was, I believe I have a new direction now and I'm more willing to try and explore new things if it means that I'll be better in the process.
I have felt what it was like to die so now I'm going to do my best to feel what it’s like to take responsibility and live genuinely.
Hello everyone, and it's good to finally be here (as a contributor and not just a lurker). : )
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