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Wow this thread has my head SPINNING!
I saw a lot about FL men who date/ are married to SL women. Are there any FL women who date/ are married to SL men?
As a woman I fully believe that the majority, if not ALL women, regardless of if they will admit to it or not, have a preference for a man who can provide for her, and be that source of financial safety and security in the relationship. To me being financially stable has a direct correlation to how well you can lead a family/relationship and the options you have to provide that family with the vision they have and want for the family life. (This is one thought- because surely you can do those things with a SL job, but I'm obviously referring to this in regard to what a FL can do- and all the other reasons why FLers prefer the FL over the SL)
If you are a FL woman married to or dating a SL man, or if you have opinions on that type of dynamic in regard to this topic in general, can you please share it here, I would love to read it. Is the consensus the exact same as the FL men have for the SL women? I'm very curious to see what the women here think about it.
I assume there are no SL men on this forum, so to the FL men here, what do you think about the dynamic?
Personally, I am a young woman who is ferociously ambitious. I have the mindset, I have the courage, and determination, I have the discipline in me to sacrifice whatever I need to, and I am willing to take big educated, well researched risks to accomplish my (huge FL) ambitions. I love being self sustaining, and independent. I love the security of knowing I don't have to say, do or be someone I don't want to be because it is contingent upon financial help I need from someone. However, with all of this being true, inside of me I am attracted to men who are in high positions of power and authority. I am attracted to a super confident alpha male, who is a leader, and decision maker, and someone who is physically strong, who just looks and sounds like he can and will provide, protect you and keep you safe.
I know that I can not make it with a SL partner. Because for me, the mindsets and outlook on life are too far apart, regardless of if he supports me or not! I would not be ok with myself taking the effort needed to develop (self development/personal development/positive and effective habits) myself to what is necessary to succeed on this level while my slow lane husband was just content to do the slow lane thing, even though that's his right and choice and he isn't bothering anybody.
Reading all of the perspectives from the men, which I loved what Vegabond had to say, I am left wondering if the women are ok and satisfied with being with a Slowlane man, if they are with one.
Carrie, you have spoken up, so I would like to hear more of your thoughts on this. When I read your posts in regard to your hubby, the way you wrote it I was thinking well, of course he isn't going to not support your efforts, he is watching TV waiting for you to make it so he can benefit and he didn't have to go through anything hard or uncomfortable to get access to those benefits. So if you make it or not, he spent his time doing whatever it was he wanted to do, and remains unaffected either way, and meanwhile you have to address and deal with the results of your efforts. Maybe that's not how you meant it, but that's how it came off to me. For me personally, I would not be ok with something like this- if it's FL/ SL or SL/ SL. To me its like having a business partner who filed the LLC paperwork but did no research, no marketing, no phone calls, etc. but is always trying to make sure their cut came in on time.
@AroundTheWorld
@yveskleinsky
@Nadia
@Nicole
@CarrieW
What do you ladies think? I have no problem with sharing or providing in a relationship, both sides must contribute the best they can- hopefully at least 50-50. I think of relationships as being team mates who both put in what is necessary so they both can get out of it what they want and need. Maybe I need to mature more, because I feel like emotional support is not enough, my partner needs to be working just as hard and being just as ambitious about creating the best quality of life for us. I feel the partner needs to actually be on the same page with you and help you try to make it happen beyond saying I support you, keep working on it and I'm sure one day it will happen for you. Do I feel this way because I'm a woman, or is it because that is the most logical reason? In my head I know I feel this way because to me, it is the most logical thing. You aren't going to watch sports all day and hang out all day while I am sacrificing and reading and researching and being the most uncomfortable I've ever been, and then when it works out you want to come along for the ride and enjoy everything, I will feel some type of way! Will I have to give my man a monthly allowance so he can be in position to quit his job and live the freedom based lifestyle that I want and envision for myself?! HELL NO! I just can't see it. Wouldn't my man feel emasculated if I did that?
Do you guys think that highly successful women (like Oprah) or surgeons, attorneys, etc.who are not married has more to do with them not being able to find anyone, or because success has them limited and or stigmatized in some way?
I know I have these thoughts jumping all around, but please just respond to what you can. Because it seems like some people say a man should stay with a SL partner, but I wonder if anyone thinks that it makes no difference and a woman should stay with a SL man as well. If I was a man, I don't think I would want to be with a SL woman either, if I was doing the whole FL, so I'm not just saying this because I'm a woman.
I can see how it came across the way you are describing... and it is in reality as you said.
but here is my take on that.
When we got married almost 15 yrs ago, we were on the same page. something happened to me during the first year of marriage and I was unable to continue on that path. I became disabled.
we were not together for that long, I was very sick, never able to return to a normal job. there were no prospects of me retiring him like ever. the only prospect at that time was a young couple with a very small child and only one income. he was going to have to support me for the rest of my life, whether I ever produced another dime in my life or not. plus take care of children. that was not what he signed up for.
being the awesome man he is He stuck by me and took care of me and supported us. he could have bailed... a lot of guys bail for much less.
being the ever planner that I am as soon as it was realized that I wasn't able to work a J.O.B. I started looking into the new plan. how we were going to live the rest of our lives. how in the world he was ever going to retire without having 2 incomes. how were we going to get a house and take care of the kids etc..
it very quickly became glaring apparent that he was going to be working until the day he died and we were probably going to be eating cat food...
I started on my search to replace my lost income with my mind instead of my physical body.
I have been on this journey for a long time I have yet to prove anything to anyone other than I can gather information. the last 15 yrs have been spent with him working to take care of us and doing everything for the family that I physically can not do.
he could bitch that I stay up late and don't go to bed when he does, or that he has to make dinners and help take care of the house while I "waste" my time doing something crazy that he only believes is possible because I told him so. he could complain over every $ I spend on information. He could bitch that hes been doing all of this and I have been doing what is effectively nothing.
when I finally make it, it will be an honor to make sure that man never has to work another day in his life! he just turned 40 yrs old on may 20th. he is an auto mechanic. he doesn't have a 401k or a retirement plan. he has an awesome boss who respects him and allows him to take care of us. for the past 6 months he has been having pains in his hands from arthritis. from working so hard for so long to take care of us. I should have been able to retire him long ago. before his hands became permantly effected. that's my failure. not his.
he has done everything and anything I have needed since the day met him. I only pray one day I can return the favor...
earlier you saw me post about post nups..
the contents of ours will be to set him aside with enough money to never have to work again even if we don't stay married.
he will also get a chunk of money to do all the things hes wanted to do but not been able to because of us (me and the kids) like working on a race boat (had one he had to sell to move us to ga) and a brand new car. the man is 40 yrs old and while its the stupidest thing in the world to me he wants a brand new car and he is going to have it... and the rest of the money is mine to do with as I please. I already have free reign over every dollar in the house the only thing that will change is he will have his own instead of us taking every dime to live...
not every situation is like mine. and tho I love my husband for all he has done I am a realistic person and fair... it would be unfair of me to expect him to be in the same place I am. he has led a different life than I have. they were shared but definitely not identical...
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