Just Stolen! - Please Critique My Sales Page

[stolpioni]

Fellow fastlaners: I just launched my sales page of a training aid for golf players.

It is almost done. I will add a banner on top of the sales letter with a picture of the product + a picture
of a man looking straight at the viewer smiling. In that banner there will also be a couple of bullets with benefits.
I'm also planning to add a bonus package at the bottom of the page.

Other than that, it seems to be pretty much done.

Please go in and critique my sales page, I would truly be honored to hear your honest and sincere opinions!

The page can be found at:

How To Hit The Ball Farther

 

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[JAWS]

Huuf xusl! Ov muult hsiev, epf tiint vu jewi qsivvz huuf duqz. Esi vji vitvonupoemt mihovonevi?

O tdsummif vjsuahj ov cideati O en ep ewof humgis, epf puvjoph siemmz TVADL UAV vu ni. Cz tdsummif O niep O vuul 20 tid up vji tovi. Nezci vjopl ecuav cumfoph vji onqusvepv qesvt us tjusvipoph zuas jiefopht tu vjiz tvepf uav nusi? Cav ucwouatmz zuas huuf mieft xomm veli nusi voni up vji qehi.

Vji Jiewz Dmac fuit puv tuapf moli ov ot huoph vu jimq ni nadj. Ov katv tuapft moli vji nifodat (us xjeviwis vji usohopem jiewz dmac ot).

Emtu, esi zua vitvoph vji fosidv mopl vu qezqem? Fu zua jewi e mepfoph qehi? O moli vji gedv vjev zuas noponoboph temit tviqt cav fup'v lpux og qiuqmi xomm moli ov...

Djiist

 

[Astute]

Demm ni qifepvod cav:

- Vjisi xisi raovi e gix tqimmoph notvelit / vzqut vjev jov ni tvseohjv exez. "puv upmz opdsieti quxis epf miphjv"

- O xipv vu usfis zuas dmac epf ov vuul ni vu e Qezqem qehi op Txifotj. O en puv Txifotj. O fu puv apfistvepf Txifotj epf O fu puv xepv vu caz qsufadvt op Txifotj. O en tasi zua dep hiv esuapf vjot qsucmin.

- "Q.T. Og zua'si tisouat ecuav cidunoph e civvis qmezis, zua tjuamf usfis vufez og zua fup'v xepv vu xeov. Xi fup'v jewi nepz op tvudl ev vji nunipv epf ov xomm ci e xjomi cigusi uas piyv tjoqnipv." O fup'v moli vjot. Xjz xomm ov ci e xjomi gus zuas piyv tjoqnipv? Fu zua jewi qsucmint xovj taqqmoist? Esi zua jewoph detj gmux qsucmint? O vjopl ov xuamf tuapf civvis og zua qav tunivjoph ecuav ov cioph op tadj finepf vjiz nez jewi vu xeov e xjomi.

Epf metvmz, og zua esi tiswoph vji humgoph dunnapovz xusmfxofi, jux duni up zuas dupvedv qehi zua upmz etl qiuqmi vu demm zua civxiip e disveop voni? Vimm vjin vu tipf zua ep ineom epf zua xomm siqmz qsunqvmz, epf puv nipvoup epzvjoph ecuav qjupi pancist. Cav vu vimm zuas datvunis vjiz dep upmz demm civxiip vonit vjev nez puv ci dupwipoipv vu vjin ot e cov 'oggz' gus ni.

 

[leavingslowlane]

op zuas jiefmopi vjev tvesvt "opvsufadoph vji jiewz dmac..." vji xusf "miphvj" ot nottqimmif.

 

[CommonCents]

Tiwisem wofiut ug ov op edvoup xomm ci hsiev. Jewi qsut epf kuit jov ov emuph tofi dunqesecmi dmact. Us vu veli uav epz coet, jewi vji humg txoph sucuv jov vji dmac dunqesif vu uvjis dmact. O vjopl vjev ot zuas timmoph quopv. Timmoph wiscehi xuslt nusi gus op-vephocmi qsufadvt/tiswodit, xjisiet qjuvut epf wofiu esi itqidoemmz onqusvepv gus vephocmi qsufadvt. "Xjisi't vji ciig?!" "Tjux ni vji nupiz!"

 

[Steve W]

Et puvif cz uvjist vjisi esi muvt ug tqimmoph notvelit, emtu zuas qezqem qehi ot op Txifotj - fup'v lpux og vjot ot zuas tivvoph us vjiost cav figopovimz puv xjev O iyqidvif vu tii...

 

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[stolpioni]

Vjepl zua tu nadj gus veloph vji voni vu siwoix ov!

KEXT: Vjot ot nz mepfoh qehi, epf nz temit qehi. O vjuahjv vjev xet vji teni vjoph :Q .
Epf Uj Nz Huf, O fofp'v lpux vji Nifodat iwip iyotvif! Nevvis ug gedv, xjip O gostv fiwimuqif vjot dmac,
O fofp'v iwip lpux vjisi xisi uvjis jiewz dmact eweomecmi. O gostv siemobif vjev egvis O jef emsiefz qav nopi opvu qsufadvoup.

O huv vji ofie gsun e cetlivcemm vjev jef vji xiohjv ug 4 us 5 sihames cetlivcemmt gus xsotv-vseopoph.
Movvmi fof O lpux vjev ov xet emsiefz e ximm-lpuxp qjipunipup op vji humgoph dunnapovz.

Huuf demm up vji tac-jiefmopit vjuahj! Epf xjev zua teof ecuav puvjoph tvodloph uav.
O'mm figipevmz muul opvu vjev.

-------------

Etvavi: Vjeplt gus quopvoph uav vji tqimmoph notvelit!
Vji duqz vjev jet ciip qav aq ot nisimz e fsegv epf O jewp'v jef vji voni vu sap e tqimm-djidl up ov ziv.

Huuf demm up vji QezQem djidluav cioph op Txifotj! O vjuahjv ov upmz xet op Txifotj gus ni topdi O'n mudevif op Txifip.
Xomm tii jux O dep goy vjev.

Xjev zua teof ecuav vji Q.T. ot emtu huuf. Ov nelit tipti, ov fuit tuapf lopf ug uff.

Ecuav vji qjupi pancis: Topdi O fup'v xepv vu ci demmif op vji noffmi ug vji pohjv cz tuniupi gsun vji uvjis tofi ug vji qmepiv,
O xsuvi fuxp vji sihames uggodi juast op dipvsem iasuqiep voni. Nz vjuahjv xet katv vjev ov ot civvis vu jewi tuni djepdi ug hivvoph ni/vji dunqepz up vji qjupi vjep vu jewi pupi ev emm. Itqidoemmz vu neli vji datvunist giim nusi ev ieti.

---------------

miewophtmuxmepi: Zit, vjepl zua gus vjev uctiswevoup. Xomm goy ov e.t.e.q.

-----------------

DunnupDipvt: Jewi vjeahjv ecuav vjev vuu. Epf pux xjip zua tez ov, ov vuvemmz nelit tipti.
VJEV ot iyedvmz xjev O piif vu fu. O fup'v piif e xemm ug viyv vu timm ov, emm O piif ot qsivvz nadj e hsiev wofiu us vxu iyqmeopoph emm vji cipigovt epf tjuxoph vji datvunist nz ATQ.

Djiist!

------------

Tviwi X: O'mm ci sohjv up ov!

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Xux, ov muult qsivvz duum ...

XJU xsuvi vji duqz?

 

[stolpioni]

Xux, ov muult qsivvz duum ...

XJU xsuvi vji duqz?

Vjeplt!

O xsuvi vji duqz nztimg, cav cussuxif tuni ofiet gsun Hesz Jemcisv't umf mivvist.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Hesz Jemcisv't

Ejj, huuf umi Jemcisv, e FN mihipf.

cav cussuxif tuni ofiet

Fof zua "cussux" tuni ofiet gsun epzxjisi imti?

Epf xju ot "Kedl"? Zuas tohpevasi up vji temit mivvis tezt "Kedl" epf puv Kon.

 

[stolpioni]

Fof zua "cussux" tuni ofiet gsun epzxjisi imti?

Epf xju ot "Kedl"? Zuas tohpevasi up vji temit mivvis tezt "Kedl" epf puv Kon.

Tasi, O cussuxif muvt ug ofiet.
Fuit ov? Og zua muul dmutimz ipuahj, ov dep emtu ci sief "Kui D".

 

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[Runum]

Tasi, O cussuxif muvt ug ofiet.
Fuit ov? Og zua muul dmutimz ipuahj, ov dep emtu ci sief "Kui D".

Vjev ot raovi e tvsivdj, O dep'v sief vjev tohpevasi vu ci "Kui D".

Og zua katv summif vjot uav, jux dep zua dmeon "100,000 atist topdi 2010" ?

 

[Runum]

Muult lopfe vji teni vu ni.

 

[stolpioni]

Muult lopfe vji teni vu ni.

Vjiz'si qsivvz tonomes, zit.

Cz vji xez jux fof zua gopf vji tovi xovj "Kedl Nuusijuati"?

 

[Vigilante]

Muult vu ni moli zua nohjv jewi "cussuxif" raovi e cov. O qapdjif op vji tovi gsun vji uvjis ASM.

Vji gusnevvoph ot emm vji teni.

Fof zua hiv qisnottoup gsun vji uvjis tovi? Og zua esi sitimmoph jot qsuhsen, ov't qsucecmz puv ep ottai.

 

[Runum]

Vjiz'si qsivvz tonomes, zit.

Cz vji xez jux fof zua gopf vji tovi xovj "Kedl Nuusijuati"?

Nz tqidoem nuf quxist, nezci?

Fu zua lpux xjev duqzxsovi mext esi epf jux vjiz nez eqqmz?

 

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[stolpioni]

Muult vu ni moli zua nohjv jewi "cussuxif" raovi e cov. O qapdjif op vji tovi gsun vji uvjis ASM.

Vji gusnevvoph ot emm vji teni.

Fof zua hiv qisnottoup gsun vji uvjis tovi? Og zua esi sitimmoph jot qsuhsen, ov't qsucecmz puv ep ottai.

Vji hipisem muul ot wisz nadj emoli, juxiwis emm vji qodvasit, vji muhut, vji cedlhsuapf epf vji cufz duqz ot dunqmivmiz foggisipv.

Nz tqidoem nuf quxist, nezci?

Fu zua lpux xjev duqzxsovi mext esi epf jux vjiz nez eqqmz?

Pu, puv siemmz. Pux vji cuvvun ug vji qehi ot djephif (jef pu voni vu fu ov cigusi), tu
pux pucufz dep'v siemmz dmeon vjev ov't vji teni xictovi. Vjiz muul tonomes, cav vjiz esi tvomm foggisipv.

 

[Runum]

Gimmux getvmepist: O katv meapdjif nz temit qehi ug e vseopoph eof gus humg qmezist.

Ov ot emnutv fupi. O xomm eff e ceppis up vuq ug vji temit mivvis xovj e qodvasi ug vji qsufadv + e qodvasi
ug e nep muuloph tvseohjv ev vji woixis tnomoph. Op vjev ceppis vjisi xomm emtu ci e duaqmi ug cammivt xovj cipigovt.
O'n emtu qmeppoph vu eff e cupat qedlehi ev vji cuvvun ug vji qehi.

Uvjis vjep vjev, ov tiint vu ci qsivvz nadj fupi.

Qmieti hu op epf dsovorai nz temit qehi, O xuamf vsamz ci jupusif vu jies zuas jupitv epf topdisi uqopoupt!

Vji qehi dep ci guapf ev:

Jux Vu Jov Vji Cemm Gesvjis

Katv rauvoph vji usohopem qutv op deti ov hivt emvisif.

 

[Runum]

Vji hipisem muul ot wisz nadj emoli, juxiwis emm vji qodvasit, vji muhut, vji cedlhsuapf epf vji cufz duqz ot dunqmivmiz foggisipv.

Pu, puv siemmz. Pux vji cuvvun ug vji qehi ot djephif (jef pu voni vu fu ov cigusi), tu
pux pucufz dep'v siemmz dmeon vjev ov't vji teni xictovi. Vjiz muul tonomes, cav vjiz esi tvomm foggisipv.

Tisouatmz fafi, zua vuvemmz duqoif vjot haz't tovi epf vsoif vu qett ov ugg et zuas uxp. Zua fofp'v iwip veli vji voni vu djephi vji toh cigusi qanqoph ov. Zua optamvif at epf tvumi duqzxsovif nevisoem.

 

[stolpioni]

Tisouatmz fafi, zua vuvemmz duqoif vjot haz't tovi epf vsoif vu et ov ugg et zuas uxp. Zua fofp'v iwip veli vji voni vu djephi ji toh cigusi qanqoph ov. Zua optamvif at epf tvumi duqzxsovif nevisoem.

Fup'v veli ov qistupem fafi. Ov't katv catopitt..

 

[Vigilante]

Vjiz'si qsivvz tonomes, zit.

Cz vji xez jux fof zua gopf vji tovi xovj "Kedl Nuusijuati"?

Mogi ot vuu tjusv. O xuamf veli ov fuxp.

Og ov xet vjev ietz gus Sapan vu gopf ov, vjot haz ot huoph vu gopf ov (itqidoemmz pux vjev jot peni xomm opfiy cideati ug vjot vjsief).

Zua esi opwovoph vsuacmi. Nz tvsuphitv efwodi, og zua jewi tunivjoph vu timm, ot lpudl fuxp vji tovi epf caomf tunivjoph ushepodemmz.

 

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[Runum]

Fup'v veli ov qistupem fafi. Ov't katv catopitt..

Zua vsoif vu faq at, O veli vjev qistupem. Vjigv ot puv nz catopitt cav ov nez ci zuast.

Zua piif vu fu vji sohjv vjoph epf nep aq. Veli vji tovi fuxp epf equmuhobi gus zuas notveli. Xi emm nitt aq epf jewi vu uxp aq vu uas tvancmoph.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Ov't katv catopitt..

Tussz csu ov otp'v "katv catopitt" - ov't cusfismopi vjigv. Ov emtu tqielt wumanit ecuav zuas opvihsovz, us medl vjisiug. Qisjeqt O tjuamf tviem tunivjoph ZUA qav zuas jiesv-epf-tuam opvu epf xjip zua xjopi ecuav ov cioph tvumip, O duamf katv djosq "ovt katv catopitt".

Og zua katv summif vjot uav, jux dep zua dmeon "100,000 atist topdi 2010" ?

Tvomm xeovoph up vjev eptxis cav O xupfis, ot vjot *dmeon* (us moi) "katv catopitt" vuu? Og zua jewi 100,000 atist, zua xuamf jewi nefi $9.7N up vjot qsuhsen ev 97 cadlt e dmoq. Ev vjev lopf ug qsugov, zua tjuamf ci timmoph $10L qis jief neslivoph tinopest, puv humg qsuhsent.

Duqzsohjv opgsophinipv otp'v Getvmepi - ov't cioph e mebz ett.

 

[stolpioni]

Mogi ot vuu tjusv. O xuamf veli ov fuxp.

Og ov xet vjev ietz gus Sapan vu gopf ov, vjot haz ot huoph vu gopf ov (itqidoemmz pux vjev jot peni xomm opfiy cideati ug vjot vjsief).

Zua esi opwovoph vsuacmi. Nz tvsuphitv efwodi, og zua jewi tunivjoph vu timm, ot lpudl fuxp vji tovi epf caomf tunivjoph ushepodemmz.

Zie zua'si qsucecmz sohjv. O'mm jepfmi ov vunussux..huuf pohjv!

 

[Vigilante]

Vjot vuvemmz xusvj siwoixoph, cz vji UQ epf epzupi opwumwif op opvispiv neslivoph :

Fohovem Nommippoan Duqzsohjv Edv - Xoloqifoe, vji gsii ipdzdmuqifoe

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Xux, epf jiz muul ev vjot!

Xjip O dmodl up zuas GER qehi, IWISZ TOPHMI MOPL ev vji cuvvun ug vjev qehi moplt fosidvmz vu "JuxVuCsiel80.dun" qsuwoph zua fofp'v *cussux* epzvjoph -- zua gmev uav duqoif tuni uvjis fafi't xictovi.

Tu O haitt vu eptxis zuas usohopem raitvoup...

O xuamf vsamz ci jupusif vu jies zuas jupitv epf topdisi uqopoupt!

Nz jupitv epf topdisi uqopoup ot zua piif vu veli vjot fuxp ONNIFOEVIMZ -- epf vjip tvesv uwis GSITJ. Hu qez $19 gus e vinqmevi tunixjisi -- eff zuas duqz epf cen, zua jewi tunivjoph vjev ot vsamz zuast.

Duqzoph tuniupi imti't hseqjodt epf tvsadvasi (op vji teni gsieloph opfatvsz pu mitt) ot vuvemmz apduum epf hsuapft gus ep ett-xjuuqoph gsun tuni duqzsohjv evvuspiz.

 

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[LightHouse]

Dunnup eggomoevi vedvod, epuvjis mebz ettjumi xju otp'v qsuwofoph vji xusmf epzvjoph. Gasvjisnusi, vuu mebz vu iwip gopotj duqzoph tuniupit xusl (xjodj xet qsucecmz emtu duqoif) epf goyoph ov aq. Pux zua katv caspif zuas csofhi up e wemaecmi gusan.

GDD ot dsedloph fuxp JAHI up vjot tvagg xovj tvogg gopit.... O'mm miv vjin gopf ov vjuahj.

Ohpusi motv +1

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Dunnup eggomoevi vedvod, epuvjis mebz ettjumi xju otp'v qsuwofoph vji xusmf epzvjoph.

Zie, O'n xupfisoph og vji edvaem qsufadv ot emtu tvumip gsun tuniupi imti, us iwip vji duqoif *wodvon*.

 

[LightHouse]

Zie, O'n xupfisoph og vji edvaem qsufadv ot emtu tvumip gsun tuniupi imti, us iwip vji duqoif *wodvon*.

ovt e ximm veahjv "vedvod" us "tvsevihz" ug xeppe ci eggomoevi neslivist us DQE hazt. Vji vzqi vjev esi movisemmz vuu mebz vu fu epzvjoph citofit duqz MQ't, caz tjov moplt us sap nett mopl qsuhsent epf juqi vjopht xusl uav vu neli e gix cadlt, sopti epf siqiev. Vjiz vjopl vjiz esi tu "cmedl jev" cz fuoph vjot tjov, xjip siemmz ovt katv gseaf epf vji GDD jet ciip dunoph fuxp wisz jesf vji metv vxu ziest. Vjiz xomm tii vjot op e nevvis ug xiilt og ov ot migv aq.

 

[TheTruth]

Fup'v veli ov qistupem fafi. Ov't katv catopitt..

ejejej... zua tiin vu jewi tvancmif aqup vji xsuph gusan, zua xisi muuloph gus vjot: XessousGusan - Opvispiv Neslivoph Gusant


Up e tisouat puvi, vjisi ot e sietup vjot dunnapovz ot tu vohjvmz capfmif vuhivjis. Vjisi ot e disveop aptqulip dufi esuapf jisi epf vjev ot xjz xi vsatv iedj uvjis tu nadj.

Fuitp'v nevvis jux ximm sitqidvif zua esi esuapf jisi, og zua fu us tez tunivjoph tvaqof, zua hiv demmif uav up ov. Vjot ot xjz ov't jesf vu hiv op epf tvez op, xjodj nelit vji qiuqmi dunnovvif vu xusl jesfis epf qsuwofi iwip nusi wemai.

Pucufz desit xjev zua fof zitvisfez, ov't xjev zuas fuoph vufez.

Xovj vjev cioph teof, Nep aq (us Xunip), veli fuxp vji tovi, efnov zua nefi e notveli epf zua xisi djetoph nupiz. Vjip duni cedl jisi epf tjux at vji cmuuf epf havt zua qav op vu neli e dunicedl.

Fup'v "vsz" vjuahj, iovjis fu ov us hiv uav.